Politics are like real-time strategy games. They involve a careful gathering of resources and split-second decisions of their use. Ideally, the combination of tactical strategy and a more urgent pace than turn based would produce a typical match like speed chess; exhibiting fast pace, intense thinking, and tactical strategy. In reality though, the games comprise of memorized build orders and a game pace so fast nearly all strategy is thrown out the window. The only people who triumph are those losers who play for hours and hours on end; memorizing hotkeys while their vocabulary atrophies into Three Letter Acronyms. Does that sound familiar?
We've just had a historic primary season, or so I'm told. And you, dear reader, are probably sitting there in front of your computer, empty beer bottles strewn about, thinking, 'Now what the hell just happened? And where are my pants?'
Well hang on, I'm about to explain it to you, using the hyper-violent RTS Dawn of War, by Relic entertainment. By the way, your pants are behind the toilet. Go put them on before reading this; no one should have to see that shit.
This all played out almost EXACTLY like a Free For All, which then condensed into three people early (because a lot of them didn’t configure their routers right and so dropped out right at the beginning). Three-player FFA’s generally play out one of two ways, which will be explained in greater detail later on. And primaries are like the initial stages of a typical RTS game. The big nasty units in Tier 2 and 3 don’t come out until the after the conventions. So all of the fighting at this point is strictly in Tier 1 and their associated units. The ability to micromanage your troops AND use the Commander Unit well is absolutely vital.
The three players are as follows:
Hillary Clinton (Space Marines)- Like the Space Marines, Hillary’s primary means of support (especially in the later stages of the season) relied on those stalwarts of the Democratic voting base: Poor white folks and women; will get pandered to again and again and again. And why not, they are truly the elite of the base. When the fighting gets tough and nasty, they can always depends on the ladies and unions to lead the way. Plus, they also really hate the heretic and the mutant.
Hillary Clinton- The noble Space Marine Commander
The Space Marine’s commander unit is, unsurprisingly, called the Space Marine Commander. And in this case, she… or um… he… packs one hell of a wallop. I don’t even know why they bothered outfitting him…. or her… with a gun. Because that hammer is more than enough to destroy whole squads with ease. And the SM Commander gets even nastier when attached to a squad, effectively giving him… IT… a large buffer of yes-men/women and hangers-on who are loyal to the death. And provide an easy scapegoat if your campaign goes into the toilet after Super Tuesday. Bottom line, the SM Commander is battle tested, scarred, hardened, a veteran of countless campaigns. They have no mercy towards others, because mercy was rarely shown to them. They also have ENORMOUS ankles. So see how big those ankles are? That’s not armor.
Hillary's effectiveness is magnified when attached to a squad of loyal Space Marines.
Barack Obama (Imperial Guard)- The IG is comprised of cannon fodder in the early game. Sure they’re important, but they’re never THAT important, ya dig? In order to succeed with them, you need to come in large numbers. Thus far that’s never really happened, until now. And compared to the other armies, no one has a more diverse following. Black people, young people, and liberal douchebags. There’s also Ogryn of course, but they don’t show up until Tier 3.
An Infantry Command center being set up, ready to send out as many screaming, doe-eyed, college-aged fans as needed to secure victory
The Imperial Guards commander is interesting is that he is not a single person, but rather a squad led by the Imperial General, who leads not only through his martial prowess but also through his incredible charisma. Which you desperately need if you need to lead a motley army of people who are voting for the first time. More importantly, are the two support characters you can add to the Command Squad (in tier 1 you can only add 2). David Plouffe and David Axelrod. Plouffe, the campaign manager, is the guy with the cool hat and jacket hanging off his soldiers, also known as a Commisar. A Commisar’s role is not only to provide some melee support to the general troops, but also to increase its morale, making it less likely to break when it’s under attack by a large amount of flying kitchen sinks. Axelrod is the Techpriest, the guy with the cool goggles and the CHAINSAW SWORD. Being the media consultant, you are often on the front lines. And that’s Axelrod’s role. It’s melee support on steroids, only this time helping to enhance damage. This makes the Command Squad an incredibly formidable melee combatant, able to withstand a lot of damage and deal damage as well. It may not be able to stand up to the SM Commander one on one, but with proper ranged support from the troops, the Command Squad is capable of taking on anything.
Imperial General Barack Obama (center), looking brave alongside the two Dave's
John McCain (Chaos Space Marines)- Don’t take the whole “Use of demonic powers and forces" TOO literally (though I got a big kick out of it). It’s simply the Alpha to the Dem candidates’ Omega. Chaos is easily one of the most powerful factions available in Dawn of War. Similar to the Space Marines, only considerably more powerful in melee, and of course, the use of demonic powers and forces. However, the current problem is that they aren’t particularly united at this point. Various Chaos Gods hate each other. Khorne, the Lord of Skulls doesn’t get along with Slaanesh, the androgynous Prince of Excess, for pretty obvious reasons. Khorne hates Slaanesh’s decadence, while Slaanesh doesn’t like Khorne for being the living embodiment of all the hate, rage, war, violence, and killing in the known universe. Nurgle won’t support anyone who is deemed to be “weak” on illegal immigration, while Tzeentch pretty much hates everyone who doesn’t completely oppose abortion. It’s a big mess and it’s hard to everyone on the same page. But when they are, and it’s still a possibility that they will, they are a force to be reckoned with.
Representing sound conservative principles. Fiscal responsibility, a strong national defense, and an all-consuming desire to grind every life in the universe under the steel boot of the Forces of Chaos.
The leader of the Chaos Space Marines is the Chaos Lord, an incredible combatant. They are possibly immortal, kept alive by infernal methods using an unholy mix of top-of-the-line science and horrifying demonic power. They are also hardcore badasses, admired by DoW players of all races. Similar to the SM Commander in that they are incredible melee combatants, with some additional morale-destroying abilities. Basically, they can sap the resolve of the opposing forces… perhaps convincing them to change sides even. And if they can gather enough resources, they can change into a Demonic Prince, an even STRONGER combatant who’s neigh unstoppable in melee and can wreck the morale of entire squads. The question is, will they be able to tech up high enough to use it?
Behold, the terrible power of the Chaos Lord!
Next up: The actual game, featuring the legendary head-to-head matchup between Obama and Hillary.
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