Lessons Learned From A Lifetime Of Sleazy American Horror Books And Movies

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17 Responses

  1. While not usually a fan of the genre*, I was recently coerced into watching "Zombieland." May I offer a few other lessons learned?

    26. Double-tap (just in case)
    27. Wear your seatbelt.
    28. Beware of bathrooms

    These are just a few but they do seem important.

    *exceptions, always. I will now count "Zombieland" as my favorite horror-gore-sleazy-American-cheesy-scary movie.

  2. ZK says:

    I found out the hard way that Winchester "Silver Tip" hollowpoints, even in .45 ACP, are not, in fact, tipped with silver. They're actually aluminum.

    The more you know…

  3. Vice Magnet says:

    If you hear voices saying "get out" it is probably a good idea to do so.

  4. Kevin says:

    Liked the "Charles Dexter Ward" reference. Don't see that every day.

  5. Scott Jacobs says:

    If I may modify slightly Ima's #26…

    It comes from a long-living Shadowrun character I played (and could again, if I could find a fucking GM in this damned town), who had one too many thugs play dead on him…

    "Two to the head, make sure it's dead"

  6. CTrees says:

    Does Patrick need to be introduced to TVTropes.org? For example, number eleven – http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ImmuneToBullets

  7. Patrick says:

    We wrote about tv tropes a couple of years ago, CTrees, and agree it's a great site.

    We're even mentioned on the tv tropes page for Poe's Law:


  8. Grandy says:

    Oh, you strange aeons. . .

  9. Ken says:

    I hate TV Tropes.

    I go there and POOOF three hours evaporates.

  10. Matt Raft says:

    Patrick, you made my morning. Thank you!

  11. Great, now the undead are going to start showing up at 7-11; thanks Patrick!

  12. Nancy says:

    Another one. If you have a pet you are fond of, and something strange is going on outside, do not let that pet outdoors. You will find it in the morning, tortured and dead.


    If the lights all go out, do not use candles. Use flashlights. If you don't have flashlights, then get in the car (with your entire family, plus the pet, and including the snarky teenager). Drive to the 7-11 to see if there are any zombies. Otherwise go to an all-night movie theatre.

  13. Cybrludite says:

    Also remember that teamwork is essential. You don't have to outrun the monster, you just have to outrun your buddy. If they're faster than you, kneecap them. ;-)

  14. John Stephens says:

    Old abandoned places were probably abandoned for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

  15. Ken says:

    Sex is nice and all. But never be a sexy teen. Never have sex in any sort of scary place. If you must be sexy, attempt to be sort of button-down sexy — you know, TV-ugly — and surround yourself with more overtly sexy people.

  16. SPQR says:

    Here I've been following Ken's advice for years and did not know it …

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