TSA Rolls Out "Cool Strangers With Candy" Program

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37 Responses

  1. Brian says:

    Mother of Zeus, I was apoplectic for about four paragraphs until I realized it was really good satire.

  2. Patrick says:

    This is pretty damned great. What isn't funny is that the TSA really does instruct its agents to tell kids that being body-groped is "just a game."


  3. john says:

    I LIKE it, great idea in keeping with the high standards and creative solutions that we have come to expect from the DHS and TSA.

  4. Ken says:

    Yeah. Brian, you saw that part of it wasn't satire, right?

  5. RLMullen says:

    That was a finely woven piece Ken. I see-sawed on the satire or not decision about four times.

    When you're on, you're ON!

  6. Brian says:

    Yes I saw the part that wasn't satire. I think it's a nice blend. Like the Meritage wines from California.

  7. Scott Jacobs says:

    The problem I have, Ken, is that I really can't tell 100% which parts are satire, and which aren't. I can guess, but with the TSA and DHS, you just can't be sure.

    There's a whole lot of stupid floating around there…

  8. cybrus says:

    Hot damn – that satire is weapons-grade!

  9. SPQR says:

    Satire? What satire?

  10. Ken says:

    Well, the TSA might write about this post, since apparently now they are angrily defending themselves from satire.

    Poor Blogger Bob. What a pathetic existence.

  11. Scott Jacobs says:

    Do you think they picked that moniker intentionally, or is it just delicious unintended irony?

  12. Dave (ND) says:

    Seriously, I have no idea which is satire and which isn't.

    Brilliant. And scary.

  13. Ken says:

    Hi, visitors from the U.S. Department of Justice and Department of Homeland Security! Nice of you to stop by!

  14. FireTiger says:

    You missed beginning of the quote,
    "Despite the efforts of our partners within the press to convince parents and children the proper way to respond to youthful searches domestic extremists ….

  15. Ken says:

    In retrospect, I can't believe I missed the opportunity to end this with Obama saying he opposed the new programs — but would support them if the TSA agents handed out carrot sticks instead of candy.

  16. Scott Jacobs says:

    Next time Ken… Next time…

  17. delurking says:

    "Blogger Bob"? Remarkably, the search ("Blogger Bob" TSA "Baghdad Bob") turns up only 144 hits.

  18. dwbrant says:

    You really should consider writing for The Onion.

  19. Warren says:

    Sick TSA Agents, yet another violation of our rights. Add it to the list of gov’t violations of our right:
    They violate the 1st Amendment by placing protesters in cages, banning books like “America Deceived II” and censoring the internet.
    They violate the 2nd Amendment by confiscating guns.
    They violate the 4th and 5th Amendment by molesting airline passengers.
    They violate the entire Constitution by starting undeclared wars for foreign countries.
    Impeach Obama and sweep out the Congress, except Ron Paul.
    (Last link of Banned Book):[pimpage deleted]

  20. Fred54 says:

    I understand that TSA agents are now being trained to work with the new
    "Cool Passengers with Brass Knuckles" program. Right after giving selected
    passengers a full body pat-down, they will receive a full body beat-down..

  21. "80huohou" says:

    [anti-Semitic sub-literate comment deleted]

    Edited by Ken: Go sell crazy somewhere else; we're all stocked up here.

  22. MK says:

    Personally, I don't think that the government has any interest in making children safe. Bombarding them with ionizing radiation searching for fake terrorists is not good for them or the country. Napolitano refuses to test the machines on herself…what does she know that we don't? Or maybe she is a roboid and that's why she doesn't like the scans that she insists others be subjected to. I am sick of fascism.

  23. Ken says:

    They violate the 1st Amendment by placing protesters in cages, banning books like “America Deceived II” and censoring the internet.

    Describing fenced free speech zones as "cages" is reasonable hyperbole, Warren. But I think you're molesting the word "banned" a little too much.

  24. Lou says:

    Wow I am coming to realize the Gestapo, KGB, and Chinese secret police were not so bad after all. Well except for the mass slaughter and a few other defects.

  25. Pete says:

    A few of you are still embracing the TSA tactics. Please take a moment to watch Full Disclosure. http://blog.fulldisclosure.net/

    TSA hires illegal aliens, felons, gang members and allows these employees to enter secure areas without screening. Gang tagging, cross outs, weapons stashed in cargo areas and theft are rampant. I think we need to all agree that TSA is not about security, rather it's about subjugation.

  26. "Mihail" says:

    [Another anti-Semitic rant deleted]

    Edited by Ken: Jesus Christ. What kind of nutbag bigot conspiracy site linked to this? Attention freaks, anti-Semites, and other twisted bigots of every stripe: fuck off.

  27. Ken says:

    Look, obviously I think the TSA's actions, and its attitude towards criticism, are outrageous. Obviously I think that people should be concerned, should voice there concerns, and should try to get their leaders to do something about it.

    But let's have a little perspective, for Christ's sake, and try not to sound like people making fertilizer bombs in the basement.

  28. X says:

    I like satire, but I think Americans should face the fact that the US has become a combination of several things, part communist, part facist and part technocratic feudalism. And a reminder. One of the first things Michael Chertoff did as head of "Homeland" "Security" was to hire Marcus Wolf (now dead and burning in hell), the communist ex-intelligence chief of the HVA within the East German Stasi who was responsible for the disappearance and death of thousands and creator of the neighborhood snitch programs — spies and snitches; and also hired communist ex-KGB First Chief Directorate, Yevgeni Primakov (real name: Pinchas Finkelstein), who was also later appointed head of the organisation, which was renamed SVR to set up our newfound internal "security" system.

    So when you see a crying, unwilling child, gammy and grandpa and your teenage daughters and sons getting molested at the airport, and you stand by and watch and don't object, just remember you were warned.

    The coup de etat and bringdown of the US representative republic is almost complete. With all the unconstitutional bills that have been passed by the traitors, and all of the sheeple keeping their heads down grazing, all that is left to destroy the Second Amendment and our God given right to bear arms. BTW, there is a United Nations treaty waiting in the wings just for that purpose.

  29. Patrick says:


    I only allowed your comment through to illustrate to our other readers that this is the sort of anti-semitic bullshit we've been receiving since this post was linked on some sort of John Birch / Alex Jones hybrid site on saturday. Your post is anti-semitic because it repeats a false tale about Yevgeny Primakov (i.e. that his real name is "Pinchas Finkelstein") which originated with Andrew McDonald (real name: "William Pierce"), the author of "The Turner Diaries," the holy text of the American Nazi movement.

    That you bothered to pluck this tale out of the air, when it adds nothing to your point, demonstrates to me that you're not just the paranoid nutcase you seem to be on the surface: You're also a Nazi sympathizer. Unfortunately, you've posted this drivel on one of the few sites where someone who can ban you from further comment knows what a reference to "Pinchas Finkelstein" actually means.

    All further such comments will be deleted. And you are banned.

  30. Ken says:

    This illustrates a point well: the enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend. People may agree with us for demented reasons. And we should not let our justifiable opposition to government excess lead us astray into association with racist nutcases.

  31. dwbrant says:

    Holy shit, X, the US is part facist? When will it end? And what is a "facist"?

    Yeah, I know, don't feed or tease the trolls. Sorry.

  32. SPQR says:

    And I was just starting to enjoy the pot of crazy, was getting ready to stir, when Patrick showed up. Spoilsport.

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