If A Bigfoot Hunter Doesn't Have His Reputation, What Does He Have?

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34 Responses

  1. Dredd says:

    The part about being falsely accused of carrying firearms in the forest can still hold however (assuming he can prove it), can't it?

  2. Rhapsody says:

    I'm not sure whose mistake it is, but Mr. Loren Coleman is, in fact, a man. I'm going to pretend it was Mr. Johnsens mistake, because he seems to be the only one unlikely to check his facts before, you know, making a fool of himself in a very expensive way in court.

  3. lakonislate says:

    If they're asking themselves if they have "savior-faire," are they implying that they are Jesus? That could add a whole new dimension to the case.

    Yeah, I'm just using this as an excuse to be a Grammar Nazi… But it's a funny typo.

  4. tom says:

    You read Fielding when young, did you not?

  5. Greg says:

    Wow, you seemed to enjoy writing this article a wee bit too much. I was laughing the entire time I was reading.

  6. Ken says:

    Stupid typos.

  7. Alan says:

    Wow, your discoveries reveal an even deeper rabbit hole than I thought originally. Bigfoot truthers- who knew?

  8. Sarahw says:

    My husband and I frightened the cats reading this, this AM.

  9. HeatherCat says:

    "Florida is supposed to be a land of civility and good judgment…"

    LOL, excuse me a moment while I snort/giggle away reminding myself why I finally up and moved away from there after living in the middle of all that good judgment!

    And for anyone who wants to know, the proper terminology in Florida for 'bigfoot' is Skunk Ape.

  10. PhilG says:

    Beautifully written. I'll need to immerse myself in the Bigfoot Truther movement now, as that is the most interesting thing I've read today.

  11. Jack says:

    You scraped this from a David Brooks editorial, right? Right?

  12. Andrea says:

    How much do I love the term "Chupacabra-Americans" ?!

  13. Grifter says:

    I read this while smoking a pipe and harrumphing. Jolly good show!

  14. Goober says:

    A country full of people that run and hide behind the skirts of government anytime we get our feelers hurt. *spit*

    Kind of turns the stomach.

    That being said, in my humble opinion, anyone that goes into the woods looking for a 7 foot tall, 600 pound bipedal gorilla that no one knows anything about at all would be a damned fool to do so without having at least one gun handy in the expedition force, for self defense if for nothing else. (Not saying that bigfoot is real, mind you, but these people do believe that, and so they are, indeed (at least in their minds), hunting for an animal that could easily tear them limb from limb if it got a mind to, and they criticize folks carrying guns while doing so. Who's the moron?)

  15. Goober says:

    For example, I would never go into the woods hoping to catch video footage of a grizzly bear, and then criticize my expedition mate who brought a gun along just in case. I'd probably be grateful.

  16. mojo says:

    Bigfoots (feet?) in Floridia? Where are they livin', the swamp?

  17. Sarahw says:

    Goober plus there are alligators.

  18. Sarahw says:

    Alligators on pontoon boats.

  19. PLW says:

    @mojo: It's Bigfoot, both singular and plural, you rube. "(never say Bigfeet; they'll wonder if you came in by the servant's entrance)".

  20. Ghost says:

    I had never heard of the Bigfoot massacre. Who was behind that? If our inept government actually succeeded at ridding our national forrests of a giant bipedal monster, I have a feeling they would have touted that rather loudly. I can understand the conspiracies around alien cover ups (don't want the Commies to know you've got that technology), but why lie about Bigfoot?

    Or was it the Roman Catholic Bishops in order to hide evidence of evolution?

    Or Dick Cheney in a freak quail hunting accident?

  21. Erbo says:

    There's a reason why Florida has its very own tag on FARK.com.

  22. Joe says:


    Actually the “Preserve Bigfoot, Nessie, and Mermaids Society” state that Bigfoot are noted to be quite timid and shy which is why a gun would likely not be required. It’s also the reason they insist these creatures are only spotted after consuming copious amounts of alcohol as opposed to the more likely and rational possibility they do not in fact exist.

    Alligators however are very real and having a gun in this case would be an excellent idea. Especially given their nasty temperament and propensity for eating family pets as discovered by this poor fellow: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/2800031711.html Besides, a pair of gator boots is quite the fashion statement.

    Bigfoot and gators aside however, the real danger in the swamps and forests of Florida are the mosquitoes, who outnumber humans by about 1 gazillion trillion to one. The single most important weapon you can carry in Florida is the super size can of deep woods off and a back up can of Raid. It’s rumored that the last time a member of the Bigfoot Field Research Organization ventured out into the swamps without this protection, he was found dead a week later having had all his bodily fluids sucked from his body.

  23. Corporal Lint says:

    If they're asking themselves if they have "savior-faire," are they implying that they are Jesus? That could add a whole new dimension to the case.

    A Savior Faire would be a Christian version of a Renaissance Faire, right? Replace the buxom alewives with Franciscan Sisters of the Order of Saint Clare.

  24. Chris R. says:

    for let me assure you, a duel between experienced Bigfoot hunters is a thing of grave and terrible majesty

    Died right there.

  25. Margaret says:

    Yes, I'm interested in this alleged "Bigfoot Massacre". WHY HAVE I NOT HEARD OF THIS?

  26. G Thompson says:

    Everyone knows that the northern hemisphere's Bigfoot is a myth propagated by denialists who cannot accept the clear and unmitigated fact that the Australian Yowie ate them all.

    A Dropbear (Thylarctos plummetus found via Australian Museum official site) told me this so it's true as vegemite and cheese is yum! :)

  27. mojo says:

    "Nod, smile, and try to move away slowly. These loons can be dangerous."

  28. TomB says:

    This situation is just crying out for a "Real Men of Genius" parody.

  29. darius404 says:

    G Thompson, you are absolutely correct, though I'm surprised you were able to encounter one of the notorious Australian Drop Bears and survive.

  30. marco73 says:

    Sure there's mosquitos, snakes, alligators, panthers, bobcats, coyotes, foxes and bears here in Central Florida.

    Actually, the second most dangerous thing in the Ocala National Forest are the deer hunters. It's illegal to shoot at deer from a vehicle. Every year, the state wildlife agents will set up a fake deer standing beside the road. Invariably, hunters will drive by all day, shooting from their truck. With so many bullets flying around, there are several hunters killed every deer season, some even accidentally shooting themselves.

    But the most dangerous thing in the ONF are the dopers, craxies, and serial killers, who kill other humans and then dump their bodies.

    So if you are going into the forest looking for Bigfoot or Swamp Ape, you better be packing to protect yourself from everything else.

  31. Doubtful News says:

    We posted this story on our skeptically-themed weird news site, Doubtful News. I used to post more on Bigfoot news but it simply got so ridiculous, that I’ve cut back. I’ve removed some posts rather than deal with off-kilter folks (as exhibited above) that are peppered throughout the paranormal community. I’m waiting to hear about the promised earthshattering news of the Bigfoot DNA results (apparently including samples taken from another Bigfoot massacre, not the one mentioned above) and the crystal clear video footage being prepared. Should those long awaiting results appear, I shall be delighted. Until then, I’m getting old.
    I talk a bit about the crazy state of Bigfootery in the latest version of Monster Talk (a skeptically-minded podcast) here: http://www.skeptic.com/podcasts/monstertalk/12/06/13/
    Also, you may want to send a note to the various Bigfoot blogs who have a nasty habit of scraping entire pieces and reposting on their blog. They will be apologetic and restructure it with just an excerpt, if you catch them. They are most often ad-based and wish to keep you on their blog instead of heading to the original source. It fits right in with the gentlemanly conduct you noted above. Example: http://bigfootevidence.blogspot.com/2012/06/guy-suing-cryptomundo-and-matt.html

  32. Robert White says:

    I have, as a true and correct recollection that one day, somewhere in my seven-to-nine year-old experience (I am now 47) while all the kids were yelling about how they would sue me or each other, and they'd have their parents sue mine or theirs', that these kids were serious in seeing suits at law as the ultimate act of revenge violence. The actual be-all and end-all of "making someone pay".

    I was struck horrified.

    Every day I read something that makes me realize that all those kids grew up to do that very thing and my smug nine-to-seven year-old self smiles in grim "i damn well knew-it"-ness.

  1. June 21, 2012

    […] For Many of Us var addthis_product = 'wpp-264'; var addthis_config = {"data_track_clickback":true,"data_track_addressbar":false};if (typeof(addthis_share) == "undefined"){ addthis_share = [];}Our reputation is the only thing we possess that has any value. This holds even for Bigfoot hunters. Sometimes they choose to sue to protect their reputation. […]