From The Desk Of Michael Bloomberg, Gracie Mansion

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26 Responses

  1. Shaun says:

    I am glad I do not live in New York City, for all the overbearing nanny state activities Bloomberg does. But the worst might be this – he still thinks that cold are a result of being outdoors without proper attire.

    This scourge crosses all party affiliations as well as socio-economic levels – Stop telling me to wear my coat to prevent a cold!

  2. Tsagoth says:

    When he's finished in New York perhaps he would consider emigrating to Toronto, Ontario. We haven't had a real king for too long, and he sounds like just the man to assume the mantle.

  3. damunzy says:

    Thanks for the thought provoking post. I know who I will be voting for as a NJ resident!

  4. Tali McPike says:

    Damn it Patrick! For the rest of the day my nose is going to smell like the soda I involuntarily snorted while laughing at this.

  5. mcinsand says:

    I don't know whether to laugh or cry. This satire is as brilliant as it is accurate in portraying the rationale that our political parties use when arguing for whichever flavor of political correctness they want to legislate onto us.

  6. Bear says:

    Damn it, Patrick. Stop giving that egomaniacal lunatic more ideas. Next thing you know, he'll be using city funds to send his criminals minions around the country to make illegal strawman purchases of… firearms and… …interfere…. um… in ongoing… investigationsssss…

    never mind.

    Funny how park beer ban didn't apply to his socialite butt-buddies' wine. How 'bout that "Illegqal Mayors against Guns… that includes mayors who claim they never joined (and could show documentation that they demanded MAIG stop using their names). And it's… fascinating to compare the crime rate among MAIG members to the — much lower! — crime rate of the general population.

  7. Joe Pullen says:

    BTW I’ll take a big Mac, Large fry, and supersized Coke to go. And while you’re at it why don’t you pull down pack of the unfiltered Marlboros for me? After that, I’m gonna take the dog out for a walk. Since I love to walk barefoot in my swimming trunks, I won’t have anywhere to carry my ID. I should be outta the slammer in about 20. The funeral for the dog is tomorrow at 2pm.

  8. Bearman says:

    Raise your hand if you clenched your sphincter!!!

  9. Merissa says:

    This is the finest work of satire I've read since Swift.

    The mental images provided by the last section are solid gold due to the prevalence of seemingly-underdressed-for-the-weather young ladies, if you know what I mean.

  10. Jon V says:

    Brilliant yet again.
    I must admit, when I see a Patrick in the author header I get a little giddy now, expecting something special. It is a very nice cherry on Ken's regular postings (I do enjoy a shot of Ken in with my coffee in the mornings).

  11. nlp says:

    I'm only surprised that the enforcement ladies won't be handing out scarves, mittens and hats that they knitted out of the yarn leftover from making afghans for poor babies. There will, of course, be regular inspections of homes to make sure babies are warmly wrapped at all times.

  12. Hannah says:

    I'll be honest. I don't get it. Up until the 'future plans' section, it wasn't satire. The US is one of the few western countries to allow tobacco advertising relatively unchecked, and it's been shown to have grossly oversized portions of fast food/'soda' compared to the rest of the world. The salt reference was pointless because the article even cites Bloomberg as not thinking that sort of measure necessary.

    Was a little mystified by this post – not as clever as your usual stuff. Oh well, next time.

  13. Chris R. says:

    I like how you took that comment from facebook and inserted it directly into the post. :)

  14. Doug says:

    very funny.

  15. John Fast says:

    My bubbe, riboyny Shel-Olam, always used to tell me that the best thing for your health is an enema. For the sake of the children of New York, I think Hizzoner needs to have an enormous colonic. I recommend a thorough cleansing with warm soapy solution, followed by a dose of ox bile, and finally a couple of quarts of ice water. And I volunteer to personally administer it right up his alley.

  16. cthulhu says:

    I'm waiting for General Bloomberg to wage war against the chemicals which sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids. And he certainly seems uptight enough to justify a rumor that he's denying women his essence…

  17. John David Galt says:

    I propose we declare a worldwide nanny-statism crisis and sentence every politician who makes a proposal like those, to have the "Queer Eye for a Straight Guy" crew drop in on his/her home and fine him/her $1000 for every object in the home that isn't up to their fashion standards.

    If the offending politician IS gay, though, we can send Rush Limbaugh instead.

  18. Anony Mouse says:

    I'm amused that you were able to use a Facebook comment in there and it fit seamlessly.

  19. Tamfang says:

    What, no mention of Singapore's brave example in the war against chewing gum?

  20. That Anonymous Coward says:

    The lengths some people will go to when they quit smoking.
    So afraid of relapsing that he has to try and ban it in the entire city.

  21. Last Obelus says:

    Prohibiting marketing cigarettes as "cool" in any way, including how they are displayed in stores has worked phenomenally well in Canada. It is an advanced form of democracy though, so you're probably right to scoff at it in an American context.

    Besides, all things considered the world is probably better off the more of your children you kill or destroy with fast cars, cigarettes, alcohol, guns and crack in the name of preserving individual "liberty" and free "speech".

  22. Patrick says:

    You know I could sue you under Canada's hate speech laws for your advocacy of eugenics, sister.

  23. Inlaid says:

    "For many millennia mankind had the Right to urinate wherever they wished. In the modern age we have sensibly realised that people shouldn't have mens wangs waving around next to them while they try to eat and we shouldn't overturn this social convention (no one wants sausage in their sausage), but the right to urinate more freely than at present must be upheld! It is the responsibility of all right minded lovers of liberty to ensure that they can urinate almost wherever they please and ignore the whiny lefties that contend 'it will inevitably contaminate the drinking water'. This is a spurious argument designed to infringe on your right of free urination that all true American mammals should hold dear. I have been urinating freely for years and have yet to contract cholera. Even if there are an unfortunate few who die as a result, like so call 'scientists' say, there are some prices which must be paid in the name of Liberty. They should have worked harder and bought bottled water."

  24. Rick H. says:

    Inlaid: Cool analogy bro.

  25. marco73 says:

    All I can say, is that next time I'm in New York, I will make sure to fart in Bloomberg's general direction. That's the dignified salute that tin-horn dictator deserves.

  1. March 22, 2013

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