The Road To Popehat: Back From Hiatus Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought people here, and wonder what good the NSA is if it hasn't Gitmoed some of your crazy asses.

After being away for a month, I was a little concerned about what sort of flotsam and jetsam had accumulated. Should I have been worried? Yes.

high school musical killing a man: The more sequels there are, the more desperate they get for plots.

can you kill yourself with a fork: Yes. The crucial decision is which fork. You don't want to use the wrong one and become the laughingstock of the social season.

difference between belittled and offended: You are belittled if I have belittled you. You may or may not be offended, depending on whether you understood that I was belittling you. Was that clear?

how do i get a stranger to touch my vagina in public: The government doesn't want you to lose sleep over such questions, and has thoughtfully arranged for the TSA to do so if you ever want to fly domestically.

what the navy dont want you to know: That ain't rum.

why would a rosicrucrusian talk to you about popehat? It's part of a plan. Shhhh.

is threatening to defame someone if you don't pay them blackmail: It's possible you haven't thought this situation all the way through.

meth how much can you make one box mucinex d: It was perhaps inevitable that later seasons of Breaking Bad would not be able to sustain the raw menace and depravity of the first few.

videos of women being fucked by small farm poneys: You may have shaken hands with this person today.

under canada law can someone utter threat to a fetus: Yes! Moreover, under Canadian law, it is a hate crime to say unpleasant things about fetuses, or generalize about them in any way, or in any way hurt their feelings.

POEHAT: "Quoth the raven, snort my taint."

Last 5 posts by Ken White

Comments

  1. somebody says

    Speak of the pony, and the pony shall arrive.

    And it will never stop haunting you. On the way to work, you will look behind you, and there will be the pony. You will be checking out groceries and in the aisle across from you, there will be the pony, staring right back at you. You will inspect your traffic logs, and the only remaining visitor to your blog will be the pony. You will flee to your bathroom and, desperate for a breath of clean outside air, throw open the window — and there will be the pony.

  2. says

    is threatening to defame someone if you don't pay them blackmail

    Hmm… "If you don't do this and that, I will defame you, and you will sue me, and the burden of proof is yours, and the fees are not recoverable!"

    Fun.

  3. Joe Pullen says

    I always love the road to Popehat and I needed a laugh today. I'm thankful there were no more search terms alluding to launching badgers at my face.

  4. Analee says

    That awkward moment where you forgot your mother has never heard of Popehat, text her about this post, and then have to explain "snort my taint" to her.

  5. jasmine says

    And strangely enough, searching for "what the navy dont want you to know about small farm poneys uttering a threat to a fetus" brings you directly to this article.

  6. Alan W. says

    That last one made me chuckle, and prompted my wife to ask me what was so funny. It's hard to describe the WHY.

    I could say, "It's a guy thing", but then I don't come off looking so good.

    I could say, "Because any sentence that uses the word 'taint' is a good sentence", but then again, I come off sounding like a bit of a Male Neanderthal (not to be confused with the MUCH more intelligent Female Neanderthal).

    But then I just use my standard, "It's a movie reference". That elicits the bog-standard eye-roll and shake of the head.

    Whew! Dodged that one…

  7. Sean C says

    Popehat police blotter: Now I've scene it all, Highschool Musical Dinner Theater

    Between bites of dinner, an offended man in a navy suit snarled at a stage actress, threatening her unborn child and accusing her of abusing recreational decongestants when he saw that her shirt read 'OK coral' with an arrow pointing down towards her skirt. Nonplussed, she continued coaxing a strangers pony onto the stage. As the spotlight fell onto the pony, the full splendor of its fishnet stockings and corset emblazoned with the phrase 'Everybody love somepony' was revealed. The man screamed 'I. Will. Cut. You!' before gagging on his fork. The tactical equine response team pronounced the man dead after a two hour standoff.

    Insiders report Rosicrucrusian highschool officials paid a witness an undisclosed sum to suppress video of the event.

  8. nhrpolitic13 says

    Ken, it seems that you could quite easily take a number from "Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me!" and add one item each month for a "which one of these bizzare entries did I completely make up?" competition. As it stands I am strongly tempted to believe that if the farm ponies weren't made up, then someone is deliberately playing off of Popehat's known enjoyment of, and expertise in, all things pony.