Author: Derrick

Whether in a car or on a horse / We don't mind using excessive force

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TL;DR : Cops can be real assholes, you guys.

C.J. Grisham is a stone-cold badass.  I would never say anything awful about him (to his face).

But Mr. Grisham needs to learn him some damn manners

Army Master Sgt. C.J. Grisham was on a ten-mile Boy Scout hike with his son in Texas when he was arrested and accused of “rudely displaying” his firearm.  Knowing there are wild boars, coyotes, and cougars in the area, he had an AR-15 rifle slung over his shoulder and was also carrying a .45 caliber pistol, according to Fox News’ Todd Starnes.

Assault level rifle to kill some wild boars?  Why not?! FUCK wild boars.  They taste great in any case.  .45?  Meh, only newbs bring that.  The low fire rate means you'll get maybe one, two guys before you get pegged.  And there goes your kill streak.  The sidearm is a desperation weapon anyway.  In almost all cases unless you're achievement hunting, you're better off just picking up some random's gun.  I like to go for the rapid fire pistols, but then I tend to like the weapons that just spray bullets all over place.  I refer to them as "guns that go THBBBBBT".  I'm good at Call of Duty.

In any case, Ken was busy getting ready for the LA County Furmeet, law something whatever.  Something to do with pandas?  In any case he asks for help dealing with this story.  All I initially hear is that some dude was arrested for "rudely displaying" a firearm.  No shit?  HOW?  Was he twirling it around and shooting it in the air like Yosemite Sam?  It is Texas after all.

He would only be in trouble if he had been carrying the rifle in a way “calculated to cause alarm,” like waving it in the air — not strapped to his chest and pointed towards the ground.

The hell?  That's not rude at all.  Not like…

AR-15 Cowboy

Riding it like a horsey?

Nah, too unrealistic.  It's too awesome to really be considered "rude".  Plus seriously, why would he not wear shoes?  He's outside with all the dirt and rocks.  Whoever drew this picture is an idiot.

AR-15 winky doo

Holding it between his legs and poking people with it like a fully automatic winky doo?

See, I don't buy this one either. Generally you'll want to hang onto it with your hands when you're going to be humpin' away.  And isn't it just a modified version of the horsey-style anyway?  Plus where the hell are the guy's pockets and fly?  Is he wearing tan sweatpants? And what the hell is up with that stupid ass confederate flag belt buckle.  It's almost as if Ken put a note out there a few nights ago and some drunken idiot called dibs and then went to town with MS Paint.  And a fat cop (wearing his pants backward), nice.  Why don't you just give him a pig face and eating some donuts?  Not all cops are fat…




Look, if I see a guy walking around with an AR-15… I'm calling the cops.  That's happening.  But it's just a dude walking with his kid, carrying some weapons for defense against fierce animals.   What I'd expect is police to give him a talking to… and that's it.  What I don't expect is "Bad Boys" to start playing.  Maybe he got a bit smart-alecky; but if that was a crime, this whole blog would be breaking rocks in a re-education camp by now.

Cops have it rough.  For every unbelievably heroic event, such as the recent Boston Marathon Bombing, 9/11, or countless others… there are events like this, where some dude waves a badge and gets his asshole on.  But I think in spite of everything… gun control, 2nd amendment, reasonable bounds on police authoritay, we can all agree on one thing.

Leave Dr. Moreau alone.

No Shit

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Former Diablo 3 Director Jay Wilson discusses Diablo 3's Auction House

He thought they would help reduce fraud, that they'd provide a wanted service to players, that only a small percentage of players would use it and that the price of items would limit how many were listed and sold.

But he said that once the game went live, Blizzard realized it was completely wrong about those last two points.

No shit.

That, said Wilson, made money a much higher motivator than the game's original motivation to simply kill Diablo, and "damaged item rewards" in the game.



"I think we would turn it off if we could," Wilson said during his talk.

no shit sherlock 2

Blizzard, Wilson said, doesn't want to remove a feature that lots of players will be unhappy to see go. But he did say that the team is working on a viable solution, without giving any other details about what that would be like.

Buy Torchlight 2.

Ask Popehat!

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We often get a lot of mail asking us rather… personal questions.  Rather than get do what Ken normally does with them (sign the emails up for naughty pictures), we've decided to do something more productive. Derrick, the handsomest Popehat contributor (granted, not a great accomplishment, but one takes what one can get), has volunteered to answer these questions as he feels appropriate.  And as a little bonus, he will use his awesome internet powers to procure a "guest columnist" to help him out. 

Welcome to the first edition of ASK POPEHAT!

Our special guest columnist today is Oregon Representative Dennis Richardson (R)

Dennis Richardson



Popehat Official Post-Election Day Reaction Guide

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If you voted Obama

WOO PARTAY.  Let's all get baked at gay weddings!  Seriously dudes, that was awesome.  Have a frosty mug of [GOP] tears on the house.  Did you see Karl Rove on Fox?  Or Donald Trump on Twitter?   Holy CRAP, someone needs a hug.

Now calm the fuck down.  Remember how shitty you all felt when Bush won in 2004?  Be classy, don't be an asshole.


If you voted Romney

I told you to just play Halo 4!  It's a great game.  You would have had a better time then buying that stupid banner and all those American flags.  Now what you do have, besides hurt feelings and a box of bitchin' July 4th Party Stuff?  But look at it this way, at least you didn't have a total meltdown on national TV like Karl Rove.  Or Donald Trump on Twitter.  Wow.  Dude, I've seen North Koreans react more rationally.

Now calm the fuck down, remember how shitty you feel now?  That's how the other side felt in 2004.  Be classy, don't be an asshole. 


If you voted for Gary Johnson

You should already be drunk, and I salute you.


 If you played Halo 4

It ain't bad right?  It made a lot of interesting improvements.  Plus it's already great to just mow down the Covenent and n00bs again.


If you're Nate Silver

You are a God.

Happy Halo 4 Release Day!

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Or "Election Day" if you're a square.

In any case, sounds like as good a day as any to drink, right?  I mean, it's been a long long LONG few years, but now it's finally over.  We can finally don the green armor and shoot some aliens.  threaten to move to Canada.   whine and moan about the direction the country is heading.  But regardless of who wins, let's just all be glad of one thing:  At least John Edwards never got into the White House.  Holy SHIT that was a close one.

In any case, drinking.  <Political Theme> Drinking Games are passe now unfortunately.  After the infamous VP Debate of 2007, when Sarah Palin drove 1/3 of the country into alcoholic comas, it's been mutually agreed that we can never ever do one ever again.  So instead, here are some guidelines on how/what to drink on this great day.


If you voted for Romney

Your drink is Bud Light.  You actually hate Bud Light.  In fact, you (rightfully) think it tastes like lukewarm monkey piss.  But you gotta choke that awful shit down at some fuckin' shitty ass dive bar, while some bearded asshole next to you spills HIS Bud Light over your $500 Italian wingtips while he yells some bullshit about the Bill of Rights or something.  And someone has to talk to you about NASCAR or some sort of sport-ball team or whatever the fuck.  Look, just make it through the day.  You got a November 7th reservation at that bomb-ass steakhouse (just don't order the kobe); they'll serve a proper IPA.  MMMM, nice and hoppy, perfect for a shitty November evening.

Cocktail Suggestion:

The R-Money

  • Water
  • 2 Alka Seltzer
  • Comfortable Pillow
  • Prescription Painkillers

Take Alka-Seltzer, mix with water.  Throw it away.  SLAM the Painkillers, pass out.


If you voted for Obama

Your drink is Stella Atrois.  You don't HATE Stella, but you really prefer other beers.  You actually don't drink that much at all, but your Data Analyst's study indicates that Stella is about the most hoity-toity beer you can drink without seeming like an elitist.  Then you have to slop down some hot wings (that are going give you a "Ring of Fire" in the morning).  You'll be doing this with a bunch of overweight construction workers, and you'll be resisting the urge to lecture them on their dietary choices the whole time.   And in the meantime, some asshole with a stupid fucking mustache, drinking a PBR for fuck's sake, is busy being all ironic in your god damn ear when all you really want to do is just watch the fucking Bulls game.  Look, just make it through the day.   You got a November 7th reservation at that seafood place; they'll serve a proper IPA.  MMMMMMM, nice and hoppy, perfect for a shitty November evening.

Cocktail Suggestion:

The NObama

  • Bottle of Vodka
  • Straw

You know what to do.  And use the straw, you aren't a barbarian.

If you're playing Halo 4

You're drinking Smirnoff Ice.  Oh shit brah!  It's going to be so killer when you ice your bros after you tap them in the head with the BR. SLAYER FOR LIFE BRO.  Note, you'll probably be having a way better time than the above, especially since there will be less of that sexist crap on XBL.


Side note: Let's not be assholes, ladies and gentlemen.

The Candidates We Deser…. I mean… EN TARO ADUN.

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[Note from Ken: this post is the latest in a series of Derricks' efforts to explain American politics using Starcraft, which is as legitimate a method as any you see on cable.]

Oh man.  Let's do a quick recap of the situation:

So MidClassMitt comes out with the most uninspiring victory out of the Primary FFA that I've seen in recent memory.  I mean, compared to Dubya's staggeringly cynical moves against Mc41n in 2000 and then Mc41n's horrifically awful choice of a playing partner at the end, this year's [GOP] narrative is pretty boring.  Blah blah blah lots of econ blah blah blah Santorum spammed with tons of Banelings blah blah blah Banelings self-destruct so it's only a good strategy if you're smart enough to follow up with actual troops blah blah blah Santorum is not smart.  I'm no expert, but if the narrative surrounding your campaign generally goes along the lines of, "WTF… THIS guy?"… there may be some issues.  In any case, as a war criminal once said, "You go to war with the army you have."  That was my logic when I got married, and I've been stuck in that quagmire for about as long. ANYWAY.




How Ken Bought the City of Middleborough a New Police Car

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MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA – The residents of Middleborough have had enough of uncouth language such as the "f-word", "s-h-word", and "c-word".  On Monday night, they took ACTION.

"I'm sick of all these fucking teenagers fucking swearing all the god damn fucking time," shouted Mitchell "Mitchie" Winthrop,  spilling Bud Light all over his faded Patriots Jersey, "These fucking asshole kids need to learn some fucking RESPECT for their betters!"

And now they will, $20 at a time.

"I'm fucking telling you," shouted James "Jimmy Putnam, spilling Budweiser all over his Boston Red Sox Jersey, "Too many of these fucking little douche-fucks have mouths on them like fuckin' Jimmy fucking Rock or whoever that fucking black dude was.  You know who I'm talking about.  All eff-this and eff-that.  WELL FUCK HIM RIGHT IN HIS BLACK ASS.  Fucking idiot.  You know what'll happen if he shows up here in Middleborough…"

At this point Mr. Putnam waved his beer in the reporter's face, "HE'S GOING TO FUCKING PAY TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS, THAT'S WHAT."

Mr Putnam, still drinking his beer, then went into his 1996 faded blue Toyota Corolla and peeled out of the Stop n' Shop parking lot, nearly hitting a Hispanic family and cutting off several cars.

"Why the fuck are you talking to me, asshole?" queried Rebecca "Becky" Coolidge, as she was coming out of a Package Store, "Can't I fucking buy some god damn fucking Tequila at 1 in the afternoon from the Packie in some fucking peace?  Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, you fucking media types.  THIS IS A NICE TOWN GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.  You want to quote me? FUCK THE YANKEES."

Most citizens were supportive.

"When I was in middle school, our school counselor wanted to fucking stop all the fucking swearing," said Robert "Bobby" Cabot, spilling beer all over his Drew Bledsoe Patriots Jersey, "He replaced 'fuck' with… get this… fucking 'FUDGE'.  That year, everyone said Fudge.  Fudge This.  Fudge You.  Shove it up your Fudging Ass.  How about we go behind those dumpsters and Fudge like we hate each other?  MotherFudger.  Get a load of those Fudging MILKERS on that Fudging hottie.  I'd like to go back to that innocent time.  It's certainly better than the fucking bullshit we have fucking going on now."

William "Billy" Kennedy was less supportive.  "This used to be a great fucking town," he slurred, spilling Colt .45 all over his bare chest and the Bruins Tattoo covering it, "Used to be, you could fucking walk down the street and not worry about being fucking… ACCOSTED… by all the fucking swearing and that shitty fucking music blaring out of the fucking speakers. What is that shit anyway?  It's all fucking bass and some idiot with no pants is talking about shoes?  But I don't know if a fucking law is going to fucking fix it anyway.   The Mayor probably needs to find a new fucking way to cover his fucking mistress's clothing bills or else she'll reveal his weird fetish or some shit.  Which is bullshit of course, we all know Mickey likes feet.  It's no big fucking deal, that's a totally fucking vanilla fetish at this fucking point.  That fucking fat fuck Rex Ryan loves him some god damn feet. Fucking Ryan.  FUCK THE JETS."

On a point of clarification, the "gangsta" use of the "n-word" was disallowed under this ordinance.  The racial slur however, was still okay to use.

South Carolina

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Wow.  This will merit some further analysis, so I'll try and tear my self away from The Old Republic long enough to write something more substantial.  But the short narrative:  MidClassMitt had every advantage but attacked the expansion with the wrong unit mix (especially since AggiesFanWWJD unexpectedly dropped.  He gave TheGrinch the sad remnants of his stuff, but who gives a shit).   TheGrinch, already in full on "eff you" mode, countered him perfectly.

It's all econ, and MidClassMitt is still hands down the guy to beat, especially now we're out of the Early Game and into the Mid.  You can't win on early rush cheese anymore.  Now you actually need to play.  And MidClassMitt has by far the most cohesive strategy.  TheGrinch (the closest challenger at this point) has clearly been slapping his shit together with spit and wishes.  We'll see if he can pull it together; you can't just select all your units and attack-move them to some random expansion anymore.  But this game has suddenly become very interesting.

New Hampshire

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MidClassMitt took the New Hampshire expansion easily.  It's looking like it's all down to the South Carolina expansion.

It's the last gasp for many players,  so expect a lot of aggression and a LOT of cheese.  I anticipate that only AtlasFan (resources), ZhouYu (possible map advantage), and TheGrinch (sheer spite) will remain as serious players after this. 


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Some people argue that Iowa would be a proper expansion.  Not really.  Iowa is closer to a Xel ' Naga Watchtower on a map.  So while it's important, it's not a silver bullet.  All it really does is give clarity to the map.  And sometimes it reveals jack.  Now New Hampshire, that's a proper expansion.  Whoever captures THAT is going to have a pretty big resource boost going into the other fights.  (Nerd Note: Every side has a "natural expansion"; one that is close by, easy to set up another base collecting resources.  I'm not really counting that when I talk "Expansions" -D )

Bravo to [GOP]Santorum, who threw everything into a super early ALL-IN strategy to secure the Watchtower, even including some workers in his push.  What did we learn people?  What happens when you pursue a early RUSH strategy; what is sacrificed?  Answer:  Your Economy, stupid.  The question now, for him, is whether he can get his econ up in time to really compete.   And guess what, MidClassMitt, who's economy is better than ANYONE else in the game (and who just got the tacit forum support of [GOP]Mc41n, who knows the map better than anyone) got 2nd place (or tied for first, who gives a shit), when everyone was ready to give him the booby prize.  That's the bloody story, not about Santorum's sad attempt to undo the Greatest Google Bomb of All-Time.

For those interested in [GOP]'s intra-forum jihad, this isn't entirely unexpected.  While we need final numbers to bear out, I would SUSPECT that the WWJD sub-faction came out for Santorum, which is odd considering his disgusting tag.  I find it more interesting that AggiesFanWWJD didn't get any love; moreso because he put the WWJD tag in his name.  In any case, I think he needs to drop.

The forum slapfights are likely to be all about "winnability/electability".  Which reminds me of a similar argument a few years back.

YEARGH, never gets old

In other news, [GOP]TheGrinch is a whiny bitch.

[GOP] FFA: Time for Fightin'!

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[Ed. note: This post represents Derrick's latest attempt to explain American politics through Starcraft. It is not to be confused with his attempts to explain American politics through Dawn of War, or Patrick's attempt to explain it through World of Warcraft.)

It doesn't take a genius to know what the hell is going on with the [GOP] clain. One faction is (reluctantly) pleased enough with its prohibitive frontrunner, MidClassMitt. They feel that while he may be somewhat flawed as a person and as a player, he has the skills and drive to represent them and beat Obama. And god damn it, that's good enough. Another faction though, somewhat led by a small but loud group of disruptive assholes (who don't even post on [GOP]'s forums, choosing instead to congregate on the #GOP IRC channel and just bitch bitch bitch all day long), has been going fishing for anybody, anybody, who can provide a challenge (credible or not). But why? Who gives a shit? Clan Tag is Clan Tag right? INCORRECT.  



Logic capacitor. Offline.

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Okay, I have to make a confession.  I am an AWFUL prognosticator.  Anyone who has played me in Fantasy Football can tell you that.  I'm pretty good at analysis after the fact, but when it comes to predicting future events, I'm bloody-effing-terrible.  Of course, there was one shining moment where I correctly predicted the result of the 2004 NBA finals game-by-game, but to be honest I was just trying to be funny since everyone and their mom was predicting the Lakers to win.

ANYWAY, that's my horrible excuse as to why I never followed up and wrote something about the Tea Party.  Because frankly, I became terrified that I would be wrong.  Or worse, not funny.  Plus, I forgot my password and was too embarrassed to ask for it.   In any case, I'm sure you're all confused.  To the casual observer, the Tea Party is a loose conglomerate of similarly minded and mildly racist individuals who have HIT THE POLITICAL SCENE LIKE A TIDAL WAVE OF PATRIOTIC DOUCHEBAGGERY.  But you're wrong!  It's really… okay, you might be right there.  But it's clear at this point that they are a very big factor, for obvious reasons.  So the big question is… how does one counter them?  We're not talking [DEM] people, that's for another article.  For me, the more intriguing question is, "How does one get out of the Republican Primaries without coming off as a little unhinged?"  IT'S AN ELEPHANT PARTY UP IN THIS.


[DEM] v. [GOP]: Clash of the Idjuts

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This is part II in a series.  For the introduction to the politics of Starcraft 2, see: The Return of Kekeke.

I’ve harped on this before, but I’ll do it again.  Real time strategy (RTS) games consist of two separate but equally important parts: Macromanagement (Dicking around in your base) and Micromanagement (Killing stuff).  You can have the greatest micro skills on earth, but if you can’t successfully manage the economy to make a decent army (or more importantly, to reinforce that army) you will never win. And of course, vice-versa.  This is very important to remember: they are two separate but equally important parts.  It’s all about maximizing economic efficiency and army savvy.  The best players are able to think quickly on their feet; the key isn’t the initial strategy or build order, but rather the adjustments on the fly.

This is exactly what makes the current Democratic regime so hilariously incompetent.



The Return of Kekeke

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Hey guys! Remember two years ago?  Man that was such a crazy time.  A lot has happened since then.  Obama crushed McCain in the general election, the GOP decided to react like themselves, and angels descended upon us and we entered into the Fourth Age.  And then more STUFF began to happen.  And I know what the big question is: Derrick, why didn't you write anything about all this garbage?  Well, it didn't help that Games Workshop decided to be a big dick to their customers… again.  It just didn't feel right using Dawn of War 2 for anything, my game of choice.  But that all became irrelevant once a… better option appeared.  Let's do this.

StarCraft 2 Box Art