Dawn of Politics- vol I

Politics are like real-time strategy games. They involve a careful gathering of resources and split-second decisions of their use. Ideally, the combination of tactical strategy and a more urgent pace than turn based would produce a typical match like speed chess; exhibiting fast pace, intense thinking, and tactical strategy. In reality though, the games comprise of memorized build orders and a game pace so fast nearly all strategy is thrown out the window. The only people who triumph are those losers who play for hours and hours on end; memorizing hotkeys while their vocabulary atrophies into Three Letter Acronyms. Does that sound familiar?

We've just had a historic primary season, or so I'm told. And you, dear reader, are probably sitting there in front of your computer, empty beer bottles strewn about, thinking, 'Now what the hell just happened? And where are my pants?'

Well hang on, I'm about to explain it to you, using the hyper-violent RTS Dawn of War, by Relic entertainment. By the way, your pants are behind the toilet. Go put them on before reading this; no one should have to see that shit.

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Step Three Has Been Discovered

Ken Layne, one of the early big political bloggers, now writes mainly for Wonkette. But he has a pretty sweet side gig.

1. Get a writing space at a website known for its vast population of idiots, pervs, goons, morphodites, and slackjawed yokels. Say … Democratic Underground, or Free Republic, or Something Awful, or best of all, America Online.

2. Go out of one's way to insult said idiots, pervs, goons, morphodites, and slackjawed yokels, by telling them, truthfully, exactly what one thinks of them, and why each and every one of them deserves to be called an idiot, perv, goon, morphodite, or slackjawed yokel.

3. Turn on comments from the readers.

4. Profit!

I'd do it for free, but I wouldn't do it as well.

[Rerun] Non-Gamers Just Don't Get Gamers

This one, written in 2004, was lost with a prior iteration of Popehat; I was inspired to dig it up from another site when I noticed someone following a now-dead link from Kotaku to find it. It concerns "Saga of Ryzom," a MMORPG (that is, for non-gamers, a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing game, like World of Warcraft) that went off-line for good early this year. Here it is, after the jump:

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Does This Mean That Flipping The Bird Would Be Friendly?

Cracked, normally a staunch advocate of uncouth behavior, has an instructive article on manners — specifically, seven innocent gestures that can get you killed overseas.

In Russia, even numbers of flowers are only ever given at funerals, and such a gift is seen as inviting death, which you obviously don't want to do unless you're banging a goth chick

These would have been helpful in my misspent youth. In France, I had to learn myself that my speaking French was considered rude.