The Road To Popehat: Wait, Wut Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat, where we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and lose 1d6 SAN.

This time: I don't mean to be judgmental but you people are freakish.

Pony porn defenestration: You like porn of ponies being thrown out windows? Your mom was coming into your room so you threw your pony porn out the window? Actually I don't want to know.

resignation letter pirate: "Arrrr, this secretarial position be the worst job on t' whole ship."

what happened to popehat: It's a long story and it begins with Underoos and the Ford Administration. You see . . . wait. You might be asking about the server outage.

can your ex-fiance sue you for defarmation for rude messaging each other: American humanity: the Lawyer Full Employment Act.

can you go to jail for slandering: Nine out of ten Twitter law experts say yes.

will security allow me to carry tagged walrus tusk through security checkpoints: There's something endearing about this person's faith in Google.

why we should not use rodeo clowns. Because they are PEOPLE.

What kind of charges would be filed for mailing someone a dildo: Logan Act. It's always the Logan Act.

fucked up quotes about life lessons: Patrick! We have our new site slogan!

You Have Questions? The Road To Popehat Has Answers

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we examine the search logs, see what inquiries brought you here, and wonder whether literacy wasn't a cosmic mistake.

This week: people have questions!

how to the fucking? You're going to have to take that up with parents or perhaps a medical professional.

how to proceed when you are a too naive victim of a sociopath Run for Senate?

How to write an affidavit about underage drinking Our law enforcement, always looking to improve themselves.

As of May 2014 when are the Bush family going to shut down America and jail & kill their enemies Hold on a sec, I was just reading about this on Salon.

Was mule rape a form of torture The Department of Homeland Security prefers "animal asset assisted enhanced interrogation techniques."

How much jail time can you get for slander? Depends. Is the person you slandered rich or a politician?

What is another word for how to coerce innocent citizens "Criminal justice system"

Can you get an animal search warrant with an anonymous tip? Wait. Do you mean a warrant to search an animal, or a warrant to use an animal to search? These days, probably both.

The Road To Popehat: "This Will Not Turn Out Well" Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and ask ourselves: why democracy, again?

This time: searches over the course of a single week, showing cunning plans that will not end well.

sample takedown request libel: COME AT ME BRO.

pro se litigant at divorce trial bad idea? Pardon me while I guffaw.

how to hide drugs from a police drug dog: You can wire your fee deposit to my trust account right away. I'll call the bail broker.

how to make violence funny: To you, or the victim?

where to put spy cam in bathroom: Isn't that what your LA is for, Congressman?

classy status for Facebook slander: Please. Facebook libel.

how long can you do rape in nm: NOT AT ALL. Jesus. I mean, unless you're a cop.

when is discrimination acceptable when recruiting: Oh, hey, is Ambercrombie hiring again?

minnesota state law on slapping a 16 year old: Have a glass of wine and take a walk first.

does a bullet leave the registered owners encription: No, seriously. WINE AND WALK. It's your kid for God's sake.

does disorderly conduct break the constitution: That depends on how hard you try.

looking for a classy big gold neck piece: Good luck with that.

thanksgiving objectivism: I understand you're very excited about what you learned first semester freshman year, but maybe some light chat about sports over dinner instead?

laws to protect elves: Sorry Hermey. You're on your own.

The Road To Popehat: Questions With No Answers Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat: the feature in which we check our traffic logs to see what searches brought you here, and then think that maybe reality TV isn't so unreal after all.

This time: searchers used the following inquiries to reach Popehat in the month of November.

HOW DOES MODERN LITERATURE SHOW THAT COLLECTIVE SOCIAL VALUES ARE NOT PARTICULARLY MEANINGFUL LEADING TO
FAITHLESSNESS SKEPTICISM AND A CONFUSED SENSE OF IDENTITY

do you get pepper sprayed or tazed to become a criminal psychologist

explain the reasons why there is absence of oxygen haemonculus using an example of an insect

Which drag queen is going to be at climax in Modesto?

law suits threaten me?

how does voluntary work in situations where a person commits a voluntary act with involuntary consequences (such as drunk driving?

can i be sued for publicly calling someone an asshole?

how to write a blackmail letter that your lawyer suggested

does rhetoric have reductive consequences?

what feelings does this speech evoke in readers? a. hostility and anger c. sadness and sympathy b. neutrality and objectivity d. cool restraint

when will comcast sounds of seasons play christmas music?

Consequencies of using candle, finger or any object to satisfy ones urge?

how do we called lowyer?

I think only about 10% of these people found what they were looking for.

The Road To Popehat: What's Wrong With Us Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the site traffic software, see what Google searches brought you here, and ask ourselves what the hell have I been writing to attract these people?

The answer, apparently, is some pretty disturbing stuff.

is rabbits emostiomal: American schools are back in session I see.

What important information would you include in a memo to your supervising attorney about methods to avoid the consequences of piecing the corporate veil? Meanwhile, law students' summer associate positions are nearly concluded. This person may have been being paid as much as $3,000 per week to Google questions like that. Isn't the legal system swell?

what will happen if execs of blood go into brain: You know, I really wouldn't worry about it.

Make an ad campaign of a deodorant with a nerdy man who is insecure with siblings and shy with girls. DO IT, GOOGLE! DO IT NOW! Why won't this damn thing work?

toes on my right foot stuck and I can't move them individually: I'm really sorry, but I just looked that up on WebMD and it says you have cancer.

how can you make men angry? That question is a step in the right direction.

what happens if uterus is a bully: Are you the same person asking about making men angry? Are you quite well?

wil a phonebook leave marks on the human body: Always happy to have our friends in law enforcement visit.

what are the odds of choking to dea: Uh-oh.

are there any blogs like Popehat in Canada: As if.

A Week In The Life of the Road to Popehat

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out our traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and think to ourselves "this serves the people at the NSA right."

The following searches brought people here during the last seven days:

mother in law unmannered: My mother-in-law has lovely manners. She even laughed politely the time she gave my toddler son an empty plastic Jack Daniels bottle to play with and I referred to it as a "Tennessee rattle."

somewhere sometime someone: This is the sort of thing I see after one of my partners tells me "yes, I did a Google search, but nothing relevant came up. Can't you help me?"

what threats are harmful to my personal brand: Threats to MURDER YOUR BRAND are serious and should be reported to appropriate authorities.

Debbie Sclussel is insane: Well doy.

nipples of a wrestler: People tried to tell Peter Greenaway that the sequel was a bad idea, but he just wouldn't listen.

jews behind gay agenda: I see the National Organization for Marriage has a new strategist.

what to do when I want to watch a fat kid: Brought to you by the American Tourism Bureau.

do girls like boys who are weird and cowardly: "Do they? Because that would be really great if they did, thanks."

ken+white+so+angry: Meh.

The Road To Popehat: Back From Hiatus Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought people here, and wonder what good the NSA is if it hasn't Gitmoed some of your crazy asses.

After being away for a month, I was a little concerned about what sort of flotsam and jetsam had accumulated. Should I have been worried? Yes.

high school musical killing a man: The more sequels there are, the more desperate they get for plots.

can you kill yourself with a fork: Yes. The crucial decision is which fork. You don't want to use the wrong one and become the laughingstock of the social season.

difference between belittled and offended: You are belittled if I have belittled you. You may or may not be offended, depending on whether you understood that I was belittling you. Was that clear?

how do i get a stranger to touch my vagina in public: The government doesn't want you to lose sleep over such questions, and has thoughtfully arranged for the TSA to do so if you ever want to fly domestically.

what the navy dont want you to know: That ain't rum.

why would a rosicrucrusian talk to you about popehat? It's part of a plan. Shhhh.

is threatening to defame someone if you don't pay them blackmail: It's possible you haven't thought this situation all the way through.

meth how much can you make one box mucinex d: It was perhaps inevitable that later seasons of Breaking Bad would not be able to sustain the raw menace and depravity of the first few.

videos of women being fucked by small farm poneys: You may have shaken hands with this person today.

under canada law can someone utter threat to a fetus: Yes! Moreover, under Canadian law, it is a hate crime to say unpleasant things about fetuses, or generalize about them in any way, or in any way hurt their feelings.

POEHAT: "Quoth the raven, snort my taint."

Road To Popehat: Week In The Life Of Popehat Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see the searches that brought you here, and shoot an email to Rand Paul asking whether a vigorous program of domestic drone strikes is really such a terrible idea after all.

All of the following searches were used to reach us in the space of one week.

is constantly saying you are overpaid bullying: Not according to my managing partner.

is clint eastwood an asshole: Well, I like him, but my Barcalounger says he's kind of a dick.

i am in a wedding and got a subpoena for court for that day: Best excuse ever. Can someone subpoena me for the night of the charity auction I'm getting dragged to?

French man who line dances: I think I am finally at peace with Rule 34.

pictures of little girl on ventilator: No I'm not.

is there a lawyer I can call for pastor that has harmed me by playing god in my life: Regrettably, there probably is.

severe stalking ridicule and threats from perps while I am out and about with my family today: Um . . . go to the same lawyer as the pastor person.

how to beat blog comment spam filters: Go to the highest building near you and leap off the roof. The code will come to you in a vision on the way down.

will they forgive me if i commit credit card fraud: Well, are you sorry?

blog by ken white regarding global wildlife 1: COME AT ME, BRO.

pope is on the road to perdition: And my nav system is broken.

The Road To Popehat: Thanksgiving Leftovers Edition

It's time for the Road to Popehat, where we look at the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and wonder if voting is a good thing.

Thanksgiving objectivism: GRAVY IS GRAVY.

naturally assumed you knew what was going on: I love this defense, but it never works, in court or at home.

can we file a low suit on physic attackers: I think I found a way to make amends to Charles Carreon.

how rizona law applies to fuck parents having arguments and taking children somewhere else for the time being: TWO ways.

o my god Leave me alone: Keep saying it, but it doesn't work.

how to get it so people have to download images in email: A marketeer's evil is never finished.

why cheerleaders are won't shut up but tell someone else to shut up: High school: second closest place to hell on Earth.

what do you call a place where lawyers work: And in first place . . .

"big balls" being kicked: Rule 34, or seeker of humorous soccer videos? I prefer not to know.

am I going to prison for that SLAPP order: Regrettably, no.

ken popehat groupie: Line forms to the right.