Via Jonathan Turley, I see that the TSA, long vigilant against the threats to our transportation system posed by Decepticons and charm bracelets, have now identified a new threat: mulus, the common mule. Or, more specifically, their handlers, "mule skinners," who actually drive mules rather than actually skinning them. During work hours, anyway.
Yes, so-called mule skinners — in this case, seasonal workers who dress in colonial garb at a historical park in Easton, Pa. — must apply for biometric Transportation Worker Identification Credentials (TWIC), according to the Transportation Security Administration, which says it is bound by federal law.
The requirement has officials of the Hugh Moore Historical Park perplexed.
"We have one boat. It's pulled by two mules. On a good day they might go 2 miles per hour," said Sarah B. Hays, the park's director of operations.
The park's two-mile canal does not pass any military bases, nuclear power plants or other sensitive facilities. And, park officials say, the mules could be considered weapons of mass destruction only if they were aimed at something resembling food.
In December, Hayes wrote to Rep. Charles Dent, R-Pennsylvania, about the requirement. Dent, in turn, wrote to the TSA requesting a waiver, noting the mode of transportation involved was "mule-drawn canal boats."
In January, the TSA responded, noting the Maritime Transportation Security Act of 2002 applies to all mariners holding U.S. Coast Guard-issued credentials.
Remember: caution is the watchword. Sure, a guy who earns a living dressed in a smock and knee socks looking at a mule's ass all day may not seem like a major threat to our economic infrastructure. But let me tell you, that sort of thing can grind a man down, hoofbeat by hoofbeat. Sooner or later he's at the end of his historically accurate hempen rope. Then he's angry. And he has a grudge.
And he has a mule. And he's not afraid to use it.
We must make sure this man is in our biometric identification system, which has been designed by TSA, the same agency that has recognized the Mule Threat in the first place, that has no doubt devised the system based on its steely command of science and information security. Remember, the government is here to help you.