[DEM] v. [GOP]: Clash of the Idjuts

This is part II in a series.  For the introduction to the politics of Starcraft 2, see: The Return of Kekeke.

I’ve harped on this before, but I’ll do it again.  Real time strategy (RTS) games consist of two separate but equally important parts: Macromanagement (Dicking around in your base) and Micromanagement (Killing stuff).  You can have the greatest micro skills on earth, but if you can’t successfully manage the economy to make a decent army (or more importantly, to reinforce that army) you will never win. And of course, vice-versa.  This is very important to remember: they are two separate but equally important parts.  It’s all about maximizing economic efficiency and army savvy.  The best players are able to think quickly on their feet; the key isn’t the initial strategy or build order, but rather the adjustments on the fly.

This is exactly what makes the current Democratic regime so hilariously incompetent.


Obama came in on a wave of ‘change’ and ‘hope’ (which as all geeks know, is the first step on the road to disappointment).  But the idea was that voting for him wasn’t necessarily for a series of commie rat-fink policies, but rather for a change in process.  In other words, Obama’s election was a reject of the ‘incumbent’, a trend we’re seeing continue.  But as Obama’s administration actually went to work, we went right to the same bullshit.  Stupid arguments over stupid ass shit.  Senators putting stupid amendments in bills, making ‘principled’ stands while other ‘principled’ senators hooted about how they ‘were against children’ in not voting for bill UH-571 or The Bill For a Brighter Future and Puppies or whatever asinine name they give those useless things anyway.  And a big question is…why?  Look, Obama is just one guy.  He can’t suddenly descend down, give an inspirational speech, make Oprah cry, and suddenly we’re all holding hands.  Obama needs to work with Congress to get shit done; and Congress is comprised mostly of douchebags and assholes.

Think of the way things stand as a 3v3.  The [GOP] and [DEM] clans have been at it like two teenage girls over the last issue of Tiger Beat for what seems like forever.  The last “high-profile” matchup, between Obama and McCain, proved to be absolutely embarrassing for [GOP].  Obama, as the Protoss, had some incredibly innovative play.  It seemed so simple, a quick zealot rush into McCain’s supply line, crippling him.  Obama then used the time McCain spent rebuilding to aggressively build expansions (and even had one in McCain’s general area).  Then he cruised to an easy win with Carriers.  Even hampered with a partner like Biden, a Terran who spent the entire game defending one gas node with Firebats, it was a rout.  I can’t even tell you what McCain did wrong, no one knew what the hell he was doing?  Mass Hydralisks?  Mutalisks?  Who knows?  For people unfamiliar with Starcraft, here’s a quick explanation: Obama depantsed McCain, embarrassingly.  McCain lost his already tenuous hold on guild leadership, and kinda faded away, appearing on his guild’s forums to supply a one-liner here and there.  So now a rematch is looming, and both sides couldn’t be more different.

Let's review the sides:

Obama.666 (Terran) – His star has faded a bit from his lofty high, but let’s make no mistakes, he is still quite a formidable player.  Skilled Terran players are able to use their side’s inherent adaptability to quickly react to any situation, and Obama can still do that.  Though it seems he’s a bit slower and less precise than he used to be.

Pelosi.415 (Zerg) – Oh god, where do I start?  Pelosi is one of those players that are formidably skilled but people just hate on general principle.  Micro skills are just god awful, but her econ management is so strong that she can get away with the “put a blob of crap together, throw at enemy” strategy, repeated ad nauseum.  She also LOVES to lecture people on what they’re doing wrong DURING THE FUCKING GAME.  And it’s not from the “friendly gamer” perspective, but rather that annoying comic-book guy condescending perspective.  And hilariously, her advice is often wrong.

Reid.702 (Protoss) – Reid’s game is one borne of a near psychotic knowledge of the game rules.  He’s more noted for his textbook execution of the bread-and-butter strategies used.  He can pull off a 1/1/1 strat into a MMM like a pro. But he will never deviate from the script, and never change anything.

Palin.907 (Zerg) – Frankly, not very good.  Decent macro and HORRIFIC micro.  Has no interest in getting better.  Lucked out by getting picked to be McCain’s partner in the epic 2v2 a few years ago, and has basically been coasting on that ever since.  Between us girls, I strongly feel she was the reason [GOP] tanked so hard in that particular match.  But that’s been all written about in smarter articles by smarter people.

Boehner.513and McConnell.859 (Terran) – The Terran Twins.  If there’s one thing Terrans can do well, its defense.  If a Terran player commits to it, they can create an impenetrable defense network.  This is the classic “turtle” strategy:  let the opponent crash against your defense, and then counter attack while they have no units. It’s a mildly ‘dead’ strategy, but it can still work.

So let's look at the map.

GOP starting positions in red, DEM in blue. Palin and Obama are in the "bitch seat" slots in the middle.

Here's the thing about 3v3's in Starcraft 2; unless the other team is completely and irredeemably stupid, one guy can't just dominate and win the match for his team. So Obama is pretty good, his micro is strong, and his macro-management is solid. He's not a crazy-genius like LiquidTLO… but you know, the guy can play.  So we need to set something straight: If this was a 1v1, Obama would crush Palin.  Maybe in a few years I'll do an article about why this is so.   But it's not a 1v1, it's a 3v3, and Obama's teammates are awful… just awful.   And it really shouldn't be.  Because see, macro is about more than just slamming out as many SCV/probes/drones as possible and have them collect shit.  You need to increase supply.  Upgrade troops.  Should you build another barracks or will you push to vehicles? Is your opponent harassing you?  With what?  What defenses should you set up?  Do you think you'll need to invest in some cloak detection?  Or maybe you should invest in cloaking tech.  Good macro is all about making these decisions… timely.  Good macro requires you to be able to read the current tactical situation and make the best decisions for future action.  Good macro will beat good micro every time.  Any moron can grab a group of Reapers and kite an opponent with them.   A master will have the counter to those reapers before they even arrive.   To hammer a common point home: the games are won at home, not in the field.

ALRIGHT! Let's do this shit! Ready to start fucking shit up?! FIRST, we're going to start a motherfucking COMMITTEE! THEN, we're going to get up all in that TASK FORCE BUSINESS. AFTERWARDS, we forward committee recommendations to a BIPARTISAN PANEL. Then let's pull that shit through 12 months of debate. BOOYAH, LET'S GET TO CONGRESSING BITCH.

[DEM] committed the absolute, #1 tactical blunder in any RTS game… they did not scout.  If you don't scout, you won't know what your opponent is doing.  If you don't know that, you can't counter.   If you can't counter, you can't win. The entire [DEM] team walked into the match thinking that the game was won. Maybe they would even show off and hot-dog it a bit.  A tricksey stupid strategy like bunker-rushing or a 6-pool.  [GOP] noticed that there was no scouting, so they figured what any normal Starcraft player would assume: the other team is going to come at them in a huge wave of mid-to-high units.   So was it any real surprise that the Terran Twins would bunker up and set up an impressive array of siege tanks in their base?   Is it surprising that the [DEM] forces were knocked away again and again?   The [DEM] team walked in thinking that if they pulled their dicks out, someone would start sucking them.  Erroneously thinking that the American People (I hate that term) unanimously rejected [GOP] and this crazy wave of New Progressive politics was on its way.   Morons.   The attitude wasn't anti-Republican… it was anti-incumbent.   All the [GOP] players needed to do was extend the match; once they make it a slog, the 'MERCAN PEOPLEZ, in their always wise and saavy judgment (the same judgment that made Scooby-Doo the number one movie in America) would kick out the new incumbents.

Pro-tip, when you see this, DON'T RUN STRAIGHT AT IT.

Obama knows the counter to a mass turtle.  If it becomes a war of attrition, and the other side digs in like that, you need to aggressively expand.  Boom your economy, and just PUNCH THEM IN THE MOUTH.  Set up bases in [GOP]'s natural expanion slots. But he can't even do that, because Palin is there throwing waves of crap around. Any expansions that he sets up she just knocks down immediate with indiscriminate, barely micro-ed blobs of Hydralisk crap (it's a miracle she remembers to attack-move).   If there's some sort of fight going on in the map, SHE WANTS A PIECE.  And Obama can only do so much by himself.  Reid and Pelosi in the mean time, are more than happy to just sit there in their respective bases, dinking around, building stuff they don't need. Over-commiting to non-starter battles. Pelosi is just throwing waves of Ultralisks at the [GOP] bases… bases that have been specifically built to stop big lumbering ground units. By the time that big fat Zerg elephant thing hits the first barrier of bunkers, it's at 1/3 life!   GO AIR ALREADY. And of course, when Obama suggests a different course of action, he gets a fucking lecture about Rate of Fire, armor resistance, and a lot of stuff that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.

McConnell and Boehner once again congratulate themselves on once again winning by doing jack shit the entire game.

The [DEM] team completely misread the tactical situation, and went into the game with the wrong players. The match called for practical tactics, not a boilerplate of same-old same-old strategies that any moron in the Silver League could counter. And the really unfair part of it all is that Obama is getting the blame for this shit. You can just hear the hooting from the [GOP] forums about blah blah blah and all that internet bullshittery.  How it's Obama's fault that he somehow couldn't bend a couple of incompetent, bureaucrats to his Vulcan will.  It's a 3v3 people, and Obama is playing with two morons.

The whole Palin thing merits an article of its own. But here's a hint as to its content: I'm not a fan.

Next: A step-by-step guide to countering the Tea Party's 6-Pool Rush.

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