Also, I'm Pretty Sure That He Can't Name The Bridge Crew Of The Enterprise

Evan has viewed our pets with benign neglect; the girls give them all the attention. Recently, for the first time, he showed his first interest in getting a pet: a bearded dragon, which is basically a lizard with pretensions, a lizard that is currently working as a lizard but ultimately wants to direct.

Yesterday we picked up the bearded dragon, which we purchased off Craigslist. Normally you'd think that the only people searching "bearded dragon" on Craigslist are closeted Republican state senators, but actually no.

Anyway, we also picked up worms and crickets for the bearded dragon to it. It turns out that Evan — who has barely brought himself to touch Rex the bearded dragon — is afraid of the crickets.

This will make it easier to respond to his ridicule of my longstanding reptile phobia.

This conversation resulted:

Me: Just do it. Just march in there and pick out a cricket and give it to Rex.


Me: It's a bug. It won't hurt you.

Evan: You don't know that.

Me: Are you afraid of the crickets? The little crickets in a jar?

Evan: Yes. Yes. I HATE CRICKETS.

Me: That explains why Pincochio was such a traumatic experience for you.

Evan: Who?

Me: Pinocchio . . . Pinocchio. You know. With Jimminy Cricket.

Evan: [Utterly unconvincingly] Oh . . . oh yeah. Him. Right.

Me: You have no idea who I am talking about.

Evan: Sure I do! Pino. . . somebody. And the cricket.

Me: I'm a failure as a parent.

Sense: This Picture Makes None.

Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. Offlogic says

    I got a plastic tub called "The Cricket Cup" for feeding crickets to my gecko. It's like a big cottage cheese container with fine perforations on the side for ventilation, and the top has a lid like a coffee creamer canister that you dial to align a large, cricket-sized hole. Yuu just turn it over and shake a cricket or two out. Never have to touch them.
    We use a slice of potato held to the side with toothpicks to feed and water the bugs. They think potatoes are yummy, and cheaper than the weird cube things they sell.
    Just a data point.

  2. says

    My daughter has a bearded dragon, like, 5 years old or so. Her aunt got her another one that was MUCH younger. Long story short, big dragon thought he found the biggest cricket of his life. After we pried her jaws open, we rushed the little guy to the vet. A year later, One-Eyed Sammy is almost as big as his would be devourer. They also love lettuce and apples.

  3. TheOtherMatt says

    Nope you're not a complete failure, If you've managed to instill proper table manners, and haven't burned pokemon merchandise, in order to "strike a blow against Satan"you're not. All a matter of perspective Also which Enterprise? There have been 6 ships of that name not counting NX-01 (which i do not)

  4. kbiel says

    Just go down to your neighborhood big box pet supply store and pick up a cricket carrier. They have opaque plastic tubes that the crickets crawl in to hide when exposed to light. All he needs to do is extract the tube and tap on the side to dislodge a few crickets into the terrarium.

    (I do make my daughter, who has a bearded dragon as well, pick up any escapees by hand. They only escape when the kids are being careless.)

  5. Joe says

    Anything that hops activates that part of the cat brain called “lunch” My two cats LOVE cricket. Their methods however, describe what I have to imagine is the worst way to die – specifically pulling the legs and wings off the poor creature and then drowning it in cat spit before finally devouring it. I suspect the bearded dragon is far more human in its dispatch of crickets.

    Basically anything that wiggles, hops or crawls that finds its’ way into our house will find eventually meet its demise from one of the cats. Unfortunately they don’t do spiders, leaving me to this nasty task every time the missus screams after discovering one. I tell the cats they are worthless piles of fur for not taking care of the spiders. They merely look at me with complete indifference and then wander off to take a nap.

  6. says

    I see he is using "rookie" sticks. Does this mean he is not adept with chopsticks or that he is exploring the additional benefit of annoying a younger sibling by using their dining utensil to handle lizard food?

    Every once in a while we have an evening of what my daughter calls, "movies my father forces me to watch." Often, it works out well. "Princess Bride" is on her favorite movie list, and despite much moaning, she still sings snatches from "Bye Bye Birdie" and "The King & I."

    More odd is what she has picked up without my intervention. She knows a disturbing amount of Monty Python without ever having seen it. I had to watch "Holy Grail" with her just to put some of it into context.

  7. perlhaqr says

    Wilhelm: I remember thinking that "The Princess Bride" was going to really suck, when I was on my way to go see it as a young lad of 10.

    I did not think that at the end. :)

  8. Demosthenes says

    TheOtherMatt beat me to it. If your kid can't name the bridge crew of the NX-01, then I'd say you're doing a good job as a parent.

  9. says

    We are on our second bearded dragon. The first one was kind of a chillin' stoner, but the second is a bit of an entitled jerk. I wouldn't figure that reptiles would have that much difference in personality. I would be wrong.

    Upon the death of a friend's bird, we received a huge bag of dried meal worms and another bag of dried meal worms and some kind of dried berries. Jin Long ( seems to like both.

  10. Angelique says

    Oh MAN you made me laugh! "a lizard with pretentions", apparently you have met mine?

    If your son has a real problem with crikets but doesn't mind worms I order mealworms from No I don't work there, they haven't paid me a dime to say it, but I have been using them for the better part of 10 years now for various lizards. Good luck with your pet.