Debbie Schlussel. … Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. What am I going to do with you?
I've already tried to tell you, politely, that I'm just not into you. I get the come-hither look. Those smoldering blue contact lenses under that tawny mane of dyed blonde hair. I appreciate all the desperate attempts to grab attention, really, but I'm sorry to tell you that it will never work out between us. You're Betty and I'm Archie.
And I'm into Veronica. My Veronica, Debbie, is astronaut Sally Ride. Sally Ride will always be first in my heart. So while I know you won't forgive me, Debbie, for this rude reply to your love letter, I hope one day you'll understand.
The mainstream news media and many Americans are remembering Sally Ride, who died today at age 61, as though she were some sort of American hero for being the first female astronaut. She was not. Not even close. Instead, she was the beneficiary of militant feminism, in whose ranks she was proudly present, along with blatant gender-based affirmative action. Many male astronauts and astronauts-in-waiting were far more qualified, had more experience, and had been waiting much longer for a ticket to ride onthe space shuttle. But they were passed over because NASA had just instituted affirmative action and wanted to please feminists.
Poor Debbie, don't you see that none of that matters to me? I loved Sally Ride for her wit, her intelligence, her can-do spirit, her raven-haired good looks, and because Sally was something that you, Debbie, can never be: a great human being.
Although, as I've mentioned countless times in response to your pleas for attention Debbie, we're never going to be a couple, I want to tell you, as a friend, about your least attractive trait: Jealousy does not become you, Debbie. Contrary to your assertions, Sally Ride was absolutely qualified to go into space, to be the first American woman into space, and the third woman ever into space. I know this because Sally did it.
You'll never go into space Debbie. Because you're not qualified. You're barely qualified to be a guest hostess on the G. Gordon Liddy Show, much less to ride a rocket into low earth orbit.
In one biography of Ride, it gushes that she was the first female astronaut to use the robotic arm to retrieve a satellite. Big whoop (or as I was thinking, B-F-D, “Big F Deal”). A man did it first, so it’s not history. It was done. She was also the first woman to go to the bathroom on a space shuttle. Again, a dude did it first. And he was still more qualified and earned his trip.
Now you're showing your ugly side Debbie. This is why I de-friended you on Facebook. Shall we put your biography under the same lens?
As an attorney, Schlussel represented University of Michigan students in a lawsuit against the University when it hosted Al-Arian as a speaker at a radical conference (a conference urging divestment from Israel) on campus, exposing him and other radical speakers, and putting them and their supporters on campus on the defensive.
Big whoop. (Or as I was thinking, B-F-D, "Big F Deal"). You lost a lawsuit in which you attempted to suppress a fellow American's right to speak in a public forum.
You know what, Debbie? A man did that first.
In 2002-2003, Schlussel was the host of her own show, â€œThe Debbie Schlussel Show,â€ on 97.1 FM, Detroitâ€™s FM Talk Station (Infinity/CBS)–#1 in its time-slot.
You hosted a failed talk radio show? A man did that first.
You fucked up your html formatting, on your own website, by allowing strange symbols from foreign languages to stand in place of apostrophes and quotation marks? A man did that first.
A regular on the nationally syndicated â€œThe Howard Stern Showâ€ (audience: 20 million every morning)
I hate to break this to you Debbie, but Howard Stern didn't invite you onto his show because you're a great political thinker. When Howard Stern wants to discuss politics seriously, he invites a man.
In 1988, Schlussel was the youngest female and youngest Jewish delegate to the Republican National Convention, a National Youth Vice Chairman of George H. W. Bushâ€™s 1988 Presidential campaign, and a Youth Chairman of his 1989 Inauguration.
You were invited to be a delegate at a major party convention? A man did that first. You think it's significant that you were invited as a Jew? A gentile did that first.
A lifelong conservative Republican activist, at the age of 21 and with all odds against her, Schlussel ran for the Michigan House of Representatives from the suburban Detroit area and lost by just one vote, the closest election in Michigan political history.
You lost an election in Michigan? A man did that first. You lost it running as a Republican? A Whig did that first.
Schlussel has literally worked on campaigns for conservative Republican candidates since she was in the sixth grade, when she worked on Ronald Reaganâ€™s first campaign for President.
You misused the word "literally"? A man did that first.
A long-time member of Mensa, the high IQ society, Schlussel was a National Merit Scholar Finalist.
You boast about membership in an organization whose name is a byword for clueless snobbery? A man did that first. You failed to earn a national merit scholarship? A man did that first.
It takes astonishing courage, willpower, and ability to ride a multiton rocket into space Debbie. It takes none of those qualities to bitch about it here on earth. All that it takes is a lack of shame.
So I'm returning the class ring that you sent me Debbie. I won't be taking your phone calls. You can stand in the street outside my house, screaming at the top of your lungs, for another weekend, but I'll just call the cops.
P. S. I was glad to hear that your father finally broke down and bought you a pony. Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend your pony party.
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