Guest Post: We Must Protect Dedicated Public Servants From Evil, By Arizona State Representative Michelle Ugenti


Hi, I'm Arizona State Representative Michelle Ugenti.

You may know me from my famed rapport with college students or my hilarious masturbation jokes during public proceedings. Today I want to thank the people at Popehat for letting me write a guest post about a subject that is near and dear to my heart: cruelty to respected public servants.

Now, I know that you regard me and my fellow legislators with the high regard and respect that is our natural due. You've seen all that public leaders have accomplished in places like Arizona with our commitment to educational excellence and electoral reform and vigorous but principled law enforcement.

But — and I know that this may surprise you — some people don't give people like me the deference to which we are entitled. Rather than looking to us for wise guidance, some people seem to see us as petty, deeply mediocre squabblers with a perverted appetite for telling complete strangers what to do in the course of amoral self-promotion.

Some of them — this is difficult for me to talk about, but I must go on — some of them mock us. Us. Their elected betters.

Now, we in the Arizona legislature have a lot on our plate, what with America being invaded by foreigners and all. But we've already made strides to put the disrespectful in their place through, for instance, innovative cyberbullying legislation. Our various law enforcement agencies have found their own effective methods or preventing lawless word-violence against them.

But it's not enough. It's just not, people. Recently I have been the victim of so-called "parody accounts" pretending to be me in a so-called "satirical" manner. Let's call this for what it is: political terrorism. Hate crime. Wanton intimidation of dedicated public officials. Hurtfulness. These people and their so-called defenders say that what they are doing is clearly parody, and that no reasonable person would be deceived into thinking that they are actually me. You think that's a good argument? Let me remind you — this is Arizona, populated by people who voted for me, some of them repeatedly. Fuck, these nerve-stapled droolers have voted for Joe Arpaio for 20 years, and he's basically an escaped Kubrick character. How's that "can't be taken literally" argument looking now, huh? Yeah, I thought so.

That's why I am proposing legislation that will make it a felony to create impersonation accounts on the internet to mock people like me — important people that should not be mocked. The law will make it a felony to impersonate someone online "with the intent to harm, defraud, intimidate or threaten." And let's face it — my self-esteem has been harmed, and I've been intimidated from making handjob references during legislative proceedings. There oughta be a law, and now there will be.

You see what I did with that language in the bill? So-called "free speech" advocates will say that this law "chills speech" and is "vague" and "overbroad" — but all we have to do is say, "are you for fraud? are you for harming? Are you for threatening?" Of course, Arizona prosecutors will be able to determine what "harm" or "intimidate" means — and since this law comes in the wake of "parody" accounts harmfully making fun of me, I think they'll get the message about how to apply it, don't you?

The time has come to stop the disrespect. The time has come to stop the meanness. The time has come to stop the half-truths being spread about me, like how I have a crippling addiction to incontinence medication or how I deliberately swerve to run over squirrels or how I can't watch "Downfall" parodies without becoming uncomfortably aroused. YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY. Or you will find out how we do things in Arizona.

Thanks for listening. Your papers, please.

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  1. Some Person says

    Isn't it technically already a felony to create an internet account under a false name, thanks to some minor part of one of the cyber security or anti-hacking laws that passed a few years ago? Or is that just a myth.

  2. says

    "[S]ome people seem to see us as petty, deeply mediocre squabblers with a perverted appetite "

    Well… No. The vast majority of local, state, and federal legislators with whom I've dealt would have to engage in many years of self-improvement to work up to that level of merely "petty" evil.

    But I'm probably doing them a huge kindness in the rhetorical assumption that they could improve. History and personal experience indicates otherwise. Most, like Ms. D!psh!t here, simply grab shovels and pickaxes and dig deeper.

  3. says

    > hilarious masturbation jokes during public proceedings.

    Clicking that link, I read that she was bantering (before the hearing started, it sounds like):

    One of them informed Ugenti: "Michelle, I have a hot date tonight."
    "No you don't, stop it," she shot back. "Your right hand doesn't count."

    Let he who has not joked with friends and coworkers like that throw the first stone.

    That being said, good post.

  4. Michelle Ugenti says

    Now see?!!!! This sort of thing is exactly the evil, harmful, hurtful, disrepectful-of-you-elected-betters that I'm incessantly whining about. I am NOT addicted to incontinence medications! I just…have a major psychologically-induced medical issue that requires lots of medication. And they weren't squirrels; they were goddamned chipmunks and the little bastards were asking for it! They opened a cheapshot Facebook account in my name. Or something. I think. And I don't even frickin' well know what a parody is, and I'm calling the FBI. And the CIA, so you'd better stop this!

    You meanies.

  5. says

    @Clark: "Let he who has not joked with friends and coworkers like that throw the first stone."

    Not on camera, as I chaired a state legislature committee meeting.

    But if you'll contribute to my rotating campaign fund, I'm willing to give it a try.

  6. enneract says

    I'm gonna go off topic here, and say 'FUCK YOU', Michelle Ugenti, you worthless silver-spooned rich bitch.

    Your hair brained legislation regarding tuition serves no purpose except to further raise the barrier to entry to higher education, so that your class can more easily wage war on those who you would have be your serfs.

    [Edited by Ken: this last sentence that I deleted crossed the line. Avoid references to violence against people we disagree with. Or go elsewhere.]

  7. enneract says

    That awkward moment when you realize that you missed the fact that a post was satire, completely.

  8. says

    That chilling moment when you realize that American lawbreakers (sorry, Freudian slip) -makers have become indistinguishable from their Onion parodies.

    Don't sweat it, enneract; it isn't your fault. Unless you voted for her.

  9. Colin says

    I don't think anyone has ever summed up Joe Arpaio more accurately than describing him as an escaped Kubrick character. Well done.

  10. says

    Man, why does it always have to be Arizona?

    There are PLENTY of states at least as embarrassing as us!

    …okay maybe there's nobody more embarrassing than Arpaio. But you already did him.

  11. C. S. P. Schofield says

    In order to mock this twunt one would have to exaggerate her stupidity, and that simply isn't possible.

  12. John_Barleycorn says

    James Allen, UA student-body president, told legislators that by passing the bill, legislators would make it harder to achieve a higher-education degree.

    Rep. Michelle Ugenti, R-Scottsdale, replied, "Welcome to life."

    Yup, this post confirms it. A slow smile, in conjunction with a spinal tickling belly chuckle that leaves an unmistakeable grin on ones face is indeed one of the top ten coping mechanisms known to mankind to maintain and promote sanity and I ain't talking about masturbation techniques.

    Ain't life a bitch Michelle? I trust you will dispatch your entire staff and instruct them to redouble their efforts immediately.

    Best of luck to you but I would advise against fucking around with goats or the hat of the pope.

    I can't confirm it but rumor is they have powers in the hat to tickle the mind and spine to such an extent it makes masturbation look like a root canal.

    Welcome to life. Hate to say it but you do set your self up for these situations.

    Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

  13. John David Galt says

    Relax, honeybunch: as long as Joe Arpaio holds office, you'll be too small a source of humor material for anyone to notice.

    Unless you come out in support of him.

  14. MattS says

    I will respect public servants when they act in ways worthy of respect. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for that to happen.

  15. Southwest Brogue says

    An Ode to Arizona

    With an air of overbearing, righteous zeal
    the leaders of Arizona will tell you they feel
    that feelings are hurt when others are crass
    but we all know they're talking out their …