. . . . BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE FEATURED IN A MAGAZINE THAT IS DELIVERED BY. PRIVATE. JET.
Below is an unsolicited email I received from an outfit that has been spamming my firm for some time. I have changed the name not to protect the guilty, but to deny them publicity. All grammatical and punctuation errors, bizarre grandiosity, odd capitalization, and general foolishness is in the original.
I wanted to take the time, as I noticed you are one of the top lawyers in San Francisco. [Note: I am located in Los Angeles.] After reviewing your profile and doing some research, I wanted to personally invite you to be the exclusive Lawyer in Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network for Los Angeles [Wait, I thought I was in San Francisco? Also, missing period in original.] I am the director of Tragically Insecure Living Magazine’s Lawyer Network: http://www.nobodylikeslawyerssoitismorallyacceptabletospamthem.com
What we are offering in this exclusive membership has tremendous value for our members, as we only partner with one member per category and market. We promote our members via our Top Rated Website http://www.imnottypingouthtatjokeurlagain.com/ along with being featured, in all of Tragically Insecure Living four magazines (NY, LA, SF, and Miami) that are distributed via private jets, in over 75 Hotel Rooms, and also mailed to multi-million dollar homes.
As you can see from our current list, we have an impressive resume of members, and are growing 15% a month. One important aspect that separates us, is the exclusivity you will receive with us. We only list one Attorney per category in each market; that exclusivity is not truly found with any of our competitors. In addition, there are various components of this membership, not just print advertising, as our magazine is very prestigious, giving our members a great branding partner. Along with being places online and in Tragically Insecure Living Magazine, we also perform a Press Release for all members distributed to over 20,000 News Sources, and usually placed on the first 1-2 pages of Google Linking our members profile to Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network.
If this is of interest, please fill this form out with some info, so we can set up a quick interview: http://www.tragicallyinsecurelawyer.com/I-have-no-self-respect/
Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network, a division of Tragically Insecure Living Magazine
Just as there are people who buy hair-in-a-can and respond to enlarge-your-penis emails, there are lawyers who will respond to this. Would you want one handling your case?
Edited to add:
I have elected to write back.
Dear Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network:
I accept your offer on the following conditions:
1. In all references to me in your promotional materials, you must maintain the uncertainty regarding my exact whereabouts. As you have noted, I am a top lawyer. But am I a top lawyer in San Francisco, or in Los Angeles? It is not possible to know at the same time both (1) that I am a top lawyer, and (2) in what city I am a top lawyer. This has something to do with an Uncertainty Principle, and possibly a cat.
2. I accept your offer to be featured in magazines that will be left in over 75 Hotel Rooms, but only on the condition that your organization warrant and guarantee that each such Hotel Room is equipped with the accessory commonly known as "Magic Fingers." In the alternative, I would accept a Hotel Room that includes a complimentary portion of Sanka.
3. Your message indicates that your membership is growing by 15% per month. My experts tell me that at that rate your membership will include the entire population of North America in only 12 years. That does not strike me as particularly exclusive. Also, I am concerned that the magazine will become rather heavy. So: how strong are your private jets? Will they be able to carry the magazine containing the pictures of every person in North America?
4. Regarding your press release — sorry, Press Release — to over 20,000 News Sources: (a) may I presume you will be using Comic Sans? (b) are all 20,000 News Sources reputable? I wouldn't want my Press Release featured on a non-reputable News Source. I trust your clear devotion to excellence and selectivity has resulted in a list of only the 20,000 most elite News Sources.
5. Regarding your mailing the magazines to multi-million dollar homes: can we arrange for my page in the magazines to be a pop-up? Because rich people can be very jaded.
6. In my featured profile, I will be mounted on a pony. I will require you to provide the pony. I trust this is not an impediment.
Very truly yours,
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