Today In The Ministry's Pneumatic Tube

multiple print/radio/visual/digital sources 4/13 malreported ricin postal attack rectify

references perpetrator malidentified malreported rectify

malreporting "Paul Kevin Curtis" remove all references nonperson

replace correctreport "Everett Dutschke" alwaystrue rewrite

goodreport emphasize "martial arts instructor" eliminate malreport nonemphasize "Elvis impersonator"

federal law enforcement goodquote newreport emphasize words "discover" "investigation" "uncover" "reveal" "determine" "analysis" "dogged" "intensive"

doubleplusungood malreport avoid words "blunder" "mistaken" "innocent" "frame" "incorrect" "incompetent" "polyestered over-armed fuckwits" "put the 'special' in 'special agent'" "indifferent thugs"

media subsidiaries/partners emphasize goodquote "exclusive" "determined" "discovered" "revealed" "explain" "report to you"

doubleplusungood malreport avoid words "gullible" "credulous" "vapid" "coke-snorting upjumped typists" "amoral bootlicking sternographers" "jaded badgehumpers"

rectify correctreport "Everett Dutschke" has always been perpetrator "Paul Kevin Curtis" nonperson has never been perpetrator


Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. Alan Bleiweiss says

    polyestered over-armed fuckwits

    You attorneys sure to have a unique lexicon :-)

  2. Jack says

    Fantastic allusion.

    ("sternographers" is doubleplusungood, though. correctspelling "stenographers" revise edit note.)

  3. AlphaCentauri says

    "amoral bootlicking sternographers" might be more accurate from the point of view of the guy getting butt-fucked.

  4. trevalyan says

    Ken, considering every jackass between here and the 30 rock couldn't identify one concept of 1984 besides Big Brother, I tip my hat to you.

    Of course, real Newspeak wouldn't have "federal law enforcement" because "police" just about covers it and they don't respect divisions of power (like our government), but there is such a thing as being too pedantic.

  5. Josh C says

    Real newspeak in that setting wouldn't, but we don't live in that setting yet. Newspeak has always been this way.

  6. Rob says

    Someone wrote, very concerned, to tell us the website had been hacked, because this post doesn't make any sense.


    made me lol irl.

  7. AlphaCentauri says

    How weird would a hacker's post have to be for us to be sure Patrick hadn't written it?

  8. En Passant says

    kps wrote Apr 27, 2013 @9:47 am:

    Sternography is for flaming letters.

    Or prolefeed by minitrue writer after whiskeyrat used up. Common ungood malreport is that versificator is mechanical turk manned by sternographers.

  9. says


    I got it the 3rd time I read it , and then thought it was pretty brilliant – but the first time through – I was seriously wondering if Ken didn't have another late night with a bag of Doritos (or whatever happened the night the name of Popehat was determined)

  10. En Passant says

    MattS wr0te Apr 27, 2013 @12:03 pm:

    Coke-snorting is obvious, but WTF is a unjumped typist?

    Typist didn't attend Youth League early education for typists: No shark left unjumped.

  11. says

    Doubleplusgood bellyfeel. So happy the humor ration has been increased again today; all praise Big Ken! Eternal joycamp for the unamused and other Goldstein-loving humor haters.

  12. Rob says

    Someone wrote, very concerned, to tell us the website had been hacked, because this post doesn't make any sense.

    At first glance, it does kind of look like something you'd get in a spam email.

  13. jimmythefly says


    For a minute I thought you were channeling Carcoat Damphands (used-car expert at SniffPetrol).

  14. says

    Is it sad that I read it and first thought, without much surprise, "Gee, some censorious asshat has threatened Ken in a very 1984-ish manner." I mean, I am a little drunk right now; but still…

  15. Lee says

    Funny, took a few to figure out why it seemed familiar then just laughed. A hack, sadly, would need far more random capitalization of mainly single syllable words.

  16. Shane says

    And slowly he rolled up the evidence that the FBI was wrong and was his custom dropped the offending piece of paper into the memory hole.

  17. wgering says

    polyestered over-armed fuckwits

    Teehee. I'm buying you a coral paperweight for that one.