Won't Anybody Think Of The Children, And The Ponies, And The Ponies Attacking The Children?


With everything going on in our country right now, my focus is making sure my kids are safe. I am a mama bear and I will do whatever it takes to keep my family out of harms way. With that being said, keeping everyone safe at every point of the day almost seems like an impossible feat.

I have a couple articles that are centered around protecting your home, and what to do if your city ever has to go under lock down like Boston did last week.

Would you be interested in taking a look at one of them?

Just let me know and I can send it on over for your review.

Best regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator


Hope your [sic] having a great day!

I recently sent over an email in regards to submitting a guest post to you for your approval. Did you get it? If not that is okay! Just let me know if you would like for me to send the article over for your review.


Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator

Dear Laura,

Thank you for your follow-up email reminding me about this one.

I, too, am concerned about keeping my kids safe. I, too, am concerned about protecting my home.

There are threats out there, Laura. I shudder to think of them.

May I ask — are you able to provide a post about protection of family and home from . . . from the most dangerous threat of all?


Hi Ken,

Thanks for getting back to me. Like you, I shudder thinking about anything harm every coming to my children.

Below is a article that is centered around keeping your kids safe in the city. I think you will like it because it is centered around children and keeping them safe.

If you like it, feel free to post it, and then I have no problem creating another article for your site that will be centered around protecting your family and home from the most dangerous threat of them all.

"3 Solutions for Keeping Your Children Safe in the City"

Let me know what you think, and then we can go from there.

Kind regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator


Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes, indeed, the city is dangerous. But Lauren, there are some threats — some risks — some unspeakable hazards — that are particularly endemic to the suburbs, and the countryside, and the exurbs, and the wildernesses and remote fastnesses, that are not present in the city, in part due to space restrictions and in part due to statist and monstrous zoning restrictions. THANKS, OBAMA!

I refer . . . to ponies.

I'm sorry to just blurt it out like that, but our time is short.

What can you offer me about protecting home and hearth and child against ponies, Lauren?

I've asked others. I've asked again and again and again. I've asked travel guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2013/04/05/town-without-pony/) and personal injury lawyer guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/12/17/in-which-a-marketeer-throws-her-clients-under-the-pony/) and advertising spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/24/ponies-have-entered-the-popehat-ponies-have-entered-the-popehat/) and lawfirm guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/08/a-dialogue-with-a-guest-post-spammer/) and travel advertisement spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/05/somewhere-away-from-the-ponies/) and degree-mill guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/09/26/ponies-101-introduction-to-ponies/) and auto-insurance guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/06/28/your-pony-is-in-good-hands-with-popehat/) and generic guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/03/13/like-spam-for-ponies/) and linkspammers (http://www.popehat.com/2011/10/08/just-as-well-im-pretty-sure-im-allergic-to-ponies-anyway/).

Nobody will help me, Lauren. Not one of them. Not one. No matter how much I beg.

Are spammers without mercy, Lauren? Is there something in the dark and pitiless heart of a spammer that WANTS my children to be victimized by ponies? Do you all HOPE to hear my little girl cry piteously "Daddy, daddy, the tiny little hooves, they hurt. Daddy, why does nobody in the online marketing industry care about my pain and terror?"

Tell me if you can, Lauren. My poor little daughter wants to know.

In hopelessness and equine despair,


Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. MattS says


    We here at PETA(People Eating Tasty Animals) can not provide you with direct assistance because ponies aren't very tasty.

    However, if you wish to protect your home and children from the horrors of ponies, I recommend wolves.

  2. PLW says

    I would like to send over for your review a post on target shooting. The topic will be target shooting, and it will be centered around target shooting. Its title will be "Target Shooting: Centered around Centering a Round." I'm sure that you'll be impressed with the quality of my writing.

  3. ZarroTsu says

    Depending on which side of the internet you're from, the threat of ponies might actually be a real one. I'm hesitant to cite some sources, however — they're watching. Waiting for a chance to strike.

  4. JP says

    Why, oh why, does Ken pick on ponies? Does he want to take his revenge on a Brony that tormented him? Did he have a bad experience at the racetrack?

    Enquiring minds want to know!

  5. Nicholas Weaver says

    Its quite interesting how Ken has transitioned from "Pay me in Ponies" to "All Ponies Must Die".

    And remember, with all due respect to Joe "Shotgun" Biden, the best home defense tool against rampaging ponies is an AR-15 pattern rifle.

  6. Frank says

    Not only are ponies a menace that will kill you and everyone you care for but even now the Pony Industrial Complex is coming up with ways to scam you out of your hard earned dollars.

  7. says

    From their About page:

    "Prior to contacting relevant web publishers, our outreach team of vertical specific content advocates intimately interact with our editorial and creative teams to ensure that the right content is offered to the right publisher at the right time."

    Vertical specific content advocates… I love it.

  8. says

    Ponies can jump, they use the ability in the wild to eat larger animals faces off. I recommend a 12ft wide and 9ft deep hole surrounding your home. Fill it with sharpened and fire hardened stakes buried halfway into the bottom facing up. Remember to empty the corpses frequently or they'll pile up forming a rotting flesh bridge for their ilk to cross.

  9. LT says

    @MattS- I disagree. I had horse meat while in Japan, and it was pretty tasty. Tiny pony meat could only be tastier.

    Y'know. Once you strip all the evil and poisonous parts out. They're kinda like fugu that way.

  10. mcinsand says

    Are you really sure that you're fearing the correct 4-legged barnyard animal, Ken? Let me relate a true story, and maybe my ex-mother-in-law is wiser than I thought.

    Years ago, my ex-wife and I were going to go camping with friends, and her Mom started acting even more nervous than usual. One of us asked what the deal was, and she asked if we were not afraid to go camping. We asked what we would be afraid of, thinking she might be pondering people wandering through the woods, and her answer caught us off guard: 'cows!' At the time, I didn't take it seriously, and I think I did make some joke about wild cows stripping a person to the bone in a few minutes' of feeding frenzy. However, maybe they are plotting, and maybe they're setting up the ponies to take the blame.

  11. MattS says

    Nicholas Weaver,

    "And remember, with all due respect to Joe "Shotgun" Biden, the best home defense tool against rampaging ponies is an AR-15 pattern rifle."

    Preferably in .458 SOCOM

  12. KRM says

    As the father of four girls (now grown, mostly) I will concur that ponies represent the biggest threat to humankind since lost baby kittens. And they live a really, really long time, too.

  13. Linus says

    Do you all HOPE to hear my little girl cry piteously "Daddy, daddy, the tiny little hooves, they hurt. Daddy, why does nobody in the online marketing industry care about my pain and terror?"

    Tell me if you can, Lauren. My poor little daughter wants to know.

    You'd think a destroyer of worlds would have better equine relations. Can't she get her pale horse to intercede for her?

  14. Shan Ban says

    I know this is a joke, and it was funny. But I was chased by two feral ponies in China, Maine. And it was probably one of the most terrifying and oddly hilarious experiences of my life.

  15. Ken Mencher says

    You'd think these people were incapable of reading posts on the internet….almost like they were…


    Spammers are ponies!

  16. z! says

    Hey, it's not just the ponies. There are rogue cassowaries that'll run at you from the underbrush; they can kick (like a mule, or maybe pony) and have a nasty 5" claw/toe on each foot that can sever a limb. Beware!

  17. naught_for_naught says

    @Shan Ban

    You are what we who are familiar with equine-dementia refer to as pony bait.

  18. says

    Is anyone else curious what the three solutions are that spammers believe keep children safe in the city? And how many spammy backlinks are in that solution-laden blog post?

    Social Monsters dot org probably wonders why it's getting so much traffic today. Is Lauren one of their "vertical specific content advocates"?

  19. Shan Ban says


    I learned that day that when your sister asks you to come with her to Maine so she can go to Prom, you say no.

  20. SarahW says

    One episode of PonnyAkuten was all it took for the scales to fall from my eyes about pony menace. Stay strong, stay safe, keep ponies is Sweden far away for our borders.

  21. Jon says

    Come on, you've got to feel sorry for a "social marketing and content creation organization" that has only managed 3 tweets and 14 followers since last September. Likewise they have only 2 likes and no new content since Oct 1st of last year on Facebook. Gee, being mocked on Popehat is probably their most brilliant publicity and marketing move ever!

  22. says

    @Jon, "feel sorry" is not the first reaction I have to hearing that information about a "social marketing and content creation organization." My reaction is more to point and laugh obnoxiously at them because they obviously suck and are in the wrong industry.

    You may be right that this is the most eyes they have ever had on them, but it given the nature of the encounter, it could prove to be a death blow for them.

  23. Shawn Young says

    What this site REALLY needs is some guest posts promoting the great sport of water polo. Do you have any idea how many ponies drown in water polo matches annually? Water fills their lungs, and–BAM!

  24. Malc says

    @David Aubke: Thanks for that wonderful extract from the About page! Do you know of any specialist Spam-o-Marketing meaning of "intimately interacting" with an editorial/creative team that isn't specifically and literally synonymous with f*cking them?

  25. George William Herbert says

    MattS wrote:
    "We here at PETA(People Eating Tasty Animals) can not provide you with direct assistance because ponies aren't very tasty."

    Would it be blackmail to threaten to point out the political career of another frequent commenter at this juncture?

  26. Marius says


    Cassowaries?! Those damn asshole birds killed me 3 times in Far Cry 3! They are truly evil.

    Thanks to Ken's warnings I just thank all that is good that there were no ponies on Rook Island.

  27. MattS says

    George William Herbert,

    "Would it be blackmail to threaten to point out the political career of another frequent commenter at this juncture?"

    No, to be blackmail you would have to threaten to point out his or her political career UNLESS he or she gives you something of value in exchange.

  28. MattS says

    George William Herbert,


    Since politicians tend to be attention seeking, I can't imagine what kind of political career might be blackmail worthy.

  29. Scote says

    I do hope Ken will right more on Diminutive Equine Evil. Ponies aren't less evil than horses because of their smaller size, they are evil *condensed* into its purest form.

    The prepper community thinks it is prepared. They stock away supplies for nuclear war, earthquakes, famine–but not ponies. Nor are the prepared for the maniacal enablers of Concentrated Equine Malevolence, the on-line marketers who enable them and refuse to act against them.

  30. Jack says

    Ken, Ken, Ken.

    When will you realize the hopelessness of seeking pony-defense assistance from a bunch of Yahoos?

  31. OngChotwI says

    We had a pony when I was a wee lad. Then we didn't. Then I was informed that horses got turned into glue. For some reason, I grew up believing that horses/ponies were victims, not the victimizers. *snicker*

  32. djd says


    It's not just hopeless, it's dangerous – he who shouts about ponies might take care lest he thereby become a little hoarse.

  33. William says

    All joking about ponies aside, what really stands out to me in this entire episode is from her initial email: "keeping everyone safe at every point of the day almost seems like an impossible feat." It's only almost impossible, not impossible. So they believe we can all be completely safe all the time, and working towards that is desirable. In very few words, she has inadvertently captured what is wrong with our society.

  34. Matt says

    I too worry about the ponies. In fact I live right around the edge between the suburbs and the rural areas in a nice neighborhood of mostly acre+ properties. Across the road from me is a wonderful family on about 5 acres with chickens a few dogs and…ponies. They have 3 well behaved looking horses and two small ponies.

    I worry about the safety of my children when those ponies are out. I've considered reinforcing the fence around my backyard in case one of those ponies breaks free and start running rampt. I never let my children play in the front yard if the ponies are out.

    I can feel their baleful glare from 300ft away and their whinnying and neighing is like ice water running down my back.

    I feel I have made a grave error in to moving where I have. I am considering moving back to my townhouse when the renters lease is up. It is much closer to the city and I don't remember a time I have seen so much as a deer in my neighborhood, let alone anything as ferocious and dangerous as a pony.

    Thank you Ken for bring this critical issue to more people's attention. Remember the children!

  35. OngChotwI says

    Lauren Rose:

    As a reader of the Popehat blog, I was disappointed in finding out that you were unable to create a post about the noted dangers of ponies and discuss possible methods of protecting our cherished community's children from such clear danger.
    If this is a subject you're not familiar with, perhaps requesting, from Ken, the 20 or 40 most important dangers of equine proximity to human offspring would be in order?

    I wrote "her" but I'm being ignored as well. *sniff*