In Which I Offer Apologies

It has been brought to my attention by Charles Carreon — the attorney of Oatmeal v. Funnjunk fame — that I have victimized the following persons and entities in a reign of terror:

Thomas Menino, Mayor of the City of Boston
The Legislatures of Arizona and Connecticut
Michael Meehan, Chief of Police of the City of Berkeley
Meghan McCain
The Federal Trade Commission
Imaginary Lawyer David Blade

. . . . and many others.

In these depredations I have been aided by persons and entities identified by Mr. Carreon as "rapers," including but not limited to PZ Myers, Marc Randazza, the American Civil Liberties Union, and the University of Reading Atheist, Humanist & Secularist Society.

This is because of Plato.

I would like to apologize sincerely to everyone I have tyrannized1

  1. Except for the legislature of Arizona, because fuck you, fascist nutjobs.  

Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. Ben says

    Oh, their website's a charming play on the idea of rape. How classy.

    Anyone who seeks to use the idea of rape as a tool of rhetoric, and in doing so weakens its proper use, has dragged any credibility they might have had with me out into the street and brutally executed it.

    Not that the man – in the loosest possible meaning of the term here – had much to begin with, so I imagine this wouldn't trouble him much. But still, really? How low can you sink?

  2. says

    Man, I'm not listed as a raper even ONCE, not even vis-a-vis Craig Brittain, Chance Trahan, and David Blade (Superlawyer).

    I'd try harder, but I don't know if I have the time, given that job that I apparently don't have.

    (I seem to recall that Carreon's "rapeutationist" page listed my current job. I may be wrong. But it also looks like it's been updated to note that I externed for a firm that later briefly represented one of the Prenda characters. I feel like I might have mentioned that before…).

  3. BaronLurk says

    Thank goodness he feels (by omission) that The Prendanistas and Captain Pastetaster were justifiably mentioned.

  4. Delvan Neville says

    @BaronLurk: He actually speaks out against Prenda on the page Adam linked, specifically as a means to try to paint Adam in a bad light.

    Adam worked for a little while at a firm that represents truly bad lawyers, like the Prenda Law Group fellas, whose conduct seemed so clearly criminal to Judge Otis D. Wright III that he referred these bad lawyers to the U.S. Attorney for investigation in a sanctions order. Adam scrounges around for praise from Ken Popehat White, and what good does it do him?

  5. JDM says

    Thought experiment:

    If you object to the claims someone is making about people on the internet, then how would repeating them all help anything? Isn't that just one more site that now contains the claims (and associated names) that you find so objectionable.

    On the other hand, if you've been awar from popehat for a while, Charles prepares a quite decent summary.

  6. says

    At first glance I thought Rapper, not Raper. The thought of Ken bustin' a rhyme with Clark Beat Boxing in the background brought the LULZ, but then I saw it was just one P and the fun vanished.

  7. says

    @Adam – if Ken ever forms the Rap Posse I envisioned a few minutes ago – he'd be well served to have you as his hype man, or perhaps even assisting Clark with the Beat Boxing.

  8. says

    I thought I could get long winded and 'all over the place' – Jeeezus what is wrong with Carreon. He spent more time on that post then like, it took to write 50 internets worth of stuff. Dude needs help.

  9. says

    OK, for a little sense of perspective… I've spent all day today (and will spend all day tomorrow) finishing up my kickstarted pulp SF novel, which features, among other things, green-furred gorilla people, rat-lizards with trained riding snakes, and giant flying jellyfish used as transport by raiding parties against ships on a frictionless, solid, sea (all of this played 100% straight, BTW — this is not a parody), so keep in mind that this is the world my head is in 10-12 hours a day, these days, that you may fully understand when I say, in reference to Cameron's page, "WHAT DA FUQ DID I JUST READ???????", that I am not easily rattled by the bizarre or the incomprehensible. Cameron transcends all works of mere mundane creativity. This page is a glimpse into Lovecraftian depths of mad incoherence. Take 10d10 SAN loss and call me in the morning.

  10. Sharon says

    I'm more impressed by victimizing a fictional character.

    That takes some serious alt-worlding.

  11. Mark C. says

    Well, this is, after all the same people that uncovered Ken's secret Illuminati side via an amazing show of investigative skills.

  12. says

    The list skips from Donatelli to Electronic Frontiers Foundation, and then from Williams to Zaretsky…I feel like such a failure. I've said lots of terrible things about people: Scott Andringa, Tanya Treadway, Jim Pasco, Joe Arpaio, the Lima Ohio SWAT team, Carmen Ortiz — heck, I even said Arpaio he was like Hitler! — but just because I never got around to saying anything bad about Charles Carreon, I get left off his list of internet badasses.

    Fuck you, Charles Carreon!

    (It's worth a try.)

  13. Allen Garvin says

    My, Carreon has been blogging a lot in the past month or so. There's an entire retrospective on the whole Oatmeal thing. And a bunch of posts about his rapeutationists (is that the right word?):

    They know the truth — one guy like Carreon is more dangerous than a thousand Obamas.

    Which would you rather fight, one Obama-sized Carreon, or a thousand Carreon-sized Obamas?

  14. barry says

    By the power of Greyskull (the prophecy has been fulfilled (they shall be nuttier than Titor)).
    I got here late and missed the early rounds of the Carreon saga, and had to read the "victims of popehat reign of terror" introduction paragraph a few times to figure out if it was satire, if he Was he making fun of David Wynn Miller or not, I had never heard of Miller before (the genesis of Truth language was when he "turned Hawaii into a verb"). But Carreon did use the phrase 'sovereign individual' earlier in the paragraph, so I'm now assuming he meant it.

    And the self-heroic epic poem "The Tale of William Popehat Hearst" kind of confirms it.

    [spoiler alert: it ends like this]

    At this Popehat Hearst broke into tears,
    Pulled a dagger from his boot
    And plunged it in his chest
    Crying, “Tell that bastard Carreon,
    He made me do it.”

    Hearst, you've got one (more) nutjob crazy mortal enemy there !

  15. Aaron says

    I'll see if I can send him a tip, Ken.

    Also, of note:

    as shown in the chart on this page, he thinks Satirical David Blade and Takedown Hammer David Blade are the same (imaginary) person. I wonder if he'll ever realize they're different imaginary people.

  16. says

    I'm with Windy, cut to the quick that I didn't make the list.

    Hell, Rakofsky's listed as a victim of your rapiness and he didn't even sue you.

  17. says


    Don't worry I have emailed him to inform him of his mistake (its pretty ridiculous for me to be both a raputationalist and a victim) and to tell him how honored I am to be listed as a raputationalist.

    His reply:



  18. Digi says

    I'm so confused. Granted, that's a common state of being for me, but usually I can accept that state of being, and move on. Not this time. I can't quite comprehend what I am looking at. Is this a list of…the people 'popehat' has blogged on? I'd assume he really means the people Ken has blogged about, but the title indicates that the page is about the reputations that 'popehat' has raped. Uh. Okay then.

    But…what on earth is this supposed to prove? Presumably, he wants to show how 'popehat' has been horribly marring the reputations of dozens of people, saying unwarranted and untrue things. I don't see that though. Its a gibberish of…quotes? I guess? And a VERY brief description on who these people are. There's zero context. And no attempt at actually refuting anything being said. It looks less like a table of marred reputations, and more like a summation of terrible people.

    And then there's the giant chunk of Plato at the end of it all.

  19. says

    Ken, this is what you get for complaining about the sorry caliber of arch-nemeses you have. Now Charles Carreon is going to team up with Joseph Rakofsky, Crystal Cox, David Blade, Marc Stephens, et al and form The League of Butthurt.

  20. Jeremy H says

    Gotta give him props. He did include a "snort my taint" reference in the Connecticut blurb.

  21. nhrpolitic13 says

    Oh look, the scroll of honor is even laid out like a statement of UMFs and everything – it must be legit! How cute!

  22. says

    You may want to do a screen capture or two of that, before he decides is in his best interests to delete and deny.

    Also, JackB, this is priceless:

    Ken, this is what you get for complaining about the sorry caliber of arch-nemeses you have. Now Charles Carreon is going to team up with Joseph Rakofsky, Crystal Cox, David Blade, Marc Stephens, et al and form The League of Butthurt.

    Thank you.

  23. Anony Mouse says

    Haven't you (or a cob) talked shit about PZ Myers, too? Does that make him a frenemy?

  24. Jesse says

    Holy crap that website is a trip. It's like lost pages from the script of American Psycho.

  25. James Pope says

    Bless his heart…

    He certainly doesn't know how to write effectively, does he? I mean, he's all over the place. It all sort of reads like the ramblings of a meth head or something. It's not cool, stay in school Mr. Carreon!

  26. Salty says

    I just skimmed through a few of the posts on that blog.

    They are for the most part incredibly boring, mercilessly long-winded, and entirely devoid on anything resembling a point. Well, except for the gist of most of them being "I don't like 'x'!" where is one of;
    The internet
    "People on social media"

    I wasn't impressed. But then I read the words "Free Speech Mafia".

    Charles Carreon just made my day.

  27. Publius says

    Somewhat amusingly Carreon's "American Buddha" site is currently down; it redirects to a page asserting that the server went down on 27 July, that it will cost $2,500 to fix, and that the site will remain offline until the site's users donate enough money to cover the bill.

    Carreon does, however, have enough money to keep this new "rapeutation" site online.

    I find myself wondering what Siddhārtha Gautama would think about the sort of prioritization this suggests.

  28. Rich Fiscus says

    Until he apologizes for that offense against cogent thought and web design he really shouldn't be pointing any middle fingers.

  29. James Burkhardt says

    Can't believe no one commented on his evidence of DDOS attacks. Aside from lacking key information of WHEN these attacks occured and TIME ELAPSED, he apparently claims the hackers hitting his computer used, amongst other things, Firefox 4.5 on a windows 98 machine.

  30. skruuball says

    I read this blog sporadically. I quite literally almost choked on my coffee when I read the word "twunt".


  31. Lewis Baumstark says

    He certainly doesn't know how to write effectively, does he? I mean, he's all over the place. It all sort of reads like the ramblings of a meth head or something. It's not cool, stay in school Mr. Carreon!

    I was thinking the same thing. And this guy is a lawyer, one who has had (credit where due) some real success in his profession. My impression as a non-lawyer is that written communication skills are a must for success as a lawyer. Does he just shut down that part of his brain when he goes on these rants?

  32. Kurt Wall says

    Gracious. What a spew. What exactly was that? My ADD kicked in too soon maybe? It read, and I use that word loosely, like the dude loaded a cannon with words, shot it at his blawg, and posted it. Whatever he's taking, he needs a lot more or a lot less.

  33. says


    "Anyone who seeks to use the idea of rape as a tool of rhetoric, and in doing so weakens its proper use, has dragged any credibility they might have had with me out into the street and brutally executed it."

    So, trivializing rape by using it as a metaphor is bad but trivializing homicide by using it as a metaphor (in the same sentence!) is okay?

    These evolving social norms confuse the fuck outta me.

  34. JWH says

    Maybe I'm just dumb … but what the hell is Carreon talking about? His writing just seems incoherent. I can't get much aside from the fact that he really hates Ken.

  35. Rich Fiscus says

    @Ben: Anyone who seeks to use the idea of rape as a tool of rhetoric, and in doing so weakens its proper use, has dragged any credibility they might have had with me out into the street and brutally executed it.

    Rape has been a tool of rhetoric for a long time and I don't take it any less seriously in a literal context today than I did 10 or 20 years ago. Do you?

  36. Mark says

    I think these guys have apparently thought they were the last bastion of sanity, enlightenment, and civility in the West World. The degree of symbiotic self-involvement reaches Mark David Chapman levels of crazy.

  37. PubDef says

    Okay, now I understand this guy. If you read far enough down the page, you'll find this:

    "Our courts became foreign jurisdictions, admiralty courts displaced to dry land, under a corrupted and altered flag."

    He's one of those people.

  38. says


    Yeah, I'm actually a little disappointed that under the glorious crazy is a generic fringe-on-the-courtroom-flag kook.

  39. Pedant says

    Well, I've resisted writing a comment for many (too many) years, but the Carreon comments have irked me into activity. No where on Carreon's site has he mentioned Chicago bus tickets. Nor ponies. Nor the various law suits I have read about.

    Moreover, as a former resident of Boston, I can see anything wrong with kicking mumbles Menino as hard as possible.

    And that's "Hedley"!

  40. says

    I want to be a made man in the Free Speech Mafia.

    "So. Pretty nice racket in censorship and bullying you got here. But, ya see, me and the boys, see, we got our own little racket. Protection racket. We protect people's free speech. Guy you're tryin' to shut up, well, he's one of our customers. His speech is, what you might call, protected. And when we promise to protect someone's speech, then, their speech *gets* protected. You get it? So, when you try goin' after speech that's protected, it looks like you don't take us seriously. That's disrespectful. We don't like bein' disrespected, do we, boys?"

  41. wgering says

    @Ken: I think you may be suffering from dysphasia, unless "sincerely apologize to" has become slang for "invite to snort my taint."

  42. says

    @SatyricalTakedownLawyer – The only SDB I'm familiar with is Stupid Dumb Bitch? I looked it up and there's a few others apparently – any idea which he was referring to?

  43. babaganusz says

    I want to be a made man in the Free Speech Mafia.

    "nice expressions you got 'ere… we wouldn't want anyfing to 'appen to 'em…"

  44. babaganusz says

    He spent more time on that post then like, it took to write 50 internets worth of stuff. Dude needs help.

    wouldn't be surprised to find it was ghost-posted by the wife.

  45. grouch says

    The tone of Mr. White's post and the comments it has inspired may cause some people to doubt Mr. Carreon's veracity. It just so happens that the Prenda Law Open Thread included some information relevant to this just a few days ago.

    see Nicholas Weaver

    and Typenschild Delete

    The latter document provides an interesting background.

  46. Mark says

    The fun never ends: Chucles and Tara are the founders of a religion with a 5-billion year plan.

    Check this out: wherein you'll find gems like this:

    While we haven’t researched the statistics, and we wouldn’t trust them if we had, let us simply speculate that church-affiliated people enjoy higher rates of employment, lower rates of alcoholism and substance abuse, lowered feelings of alienation, and a general sense of well-adaptedness as compared with their faithless opposite numbers.

  47. says

    @babaganusz I'm more inclined to think it was an AI program aimed at simulating monkeys randomly hitting keys on a keyboard for some theoretical period of time. Whatever it is, it seems like a cry for help ;-)

    @Tali – Ahh, makes sense – thx

  48. onehsancare says

    @Nicholas Weaver: Thanks a lot. Here I am at work on a beautiful Sunday, and you provide me with a link to a case which should be free of nuttiness, having very good lawyers on both sides. But nooooo . . . four and a half months and 59 docket entries later, they can't even get an amended complaint filed or Carreon denied approval to appear as a lawyer!

    We do learn, though, that Tara Carreon's blog was used against the plaintiff's lawyer. He says: "Applicant [Carreon] does not mention, however, his wife’s blog, which in mid-June, 2013, directed an ad hominem attack against this counsel, in the instant matter, and later savagely pilloried Recouvreur himself, posting a photo of Recouvreur’s wife, stating that 'One can’t help but visualize sexual violence between them' and after describing where plaintiff Recouvreur lives and advising readers to 'look this guy up,' posted an identifying photo of the Recouvreurs’ nine-year-old son, followed two weeks ago with another photo of the nine-year-old with a cartoon bubble in which he tells his father 'I just tore my teacher a new asshole;' yet another blog in which polar bears eat the nine-year-old, depicted again with an identifying photo; and yet another blog addressing the nine-year-old’s testicles."

    Ick. Now I need to shower before I can finish the work I came in two hours ago to do!

  49. Analee says

    BAH! It didn't post le picture right!

    Uh, a little help s'il vous plait? How do I image code here?

  50. Laura K says

    You know…that time River tries to 'fix' Shepherd Book's bible makes more sense than that website.

  51. says

    River Tam is a telepathic super-genius ninja assassin who lives in a spaceship.

    Still more of a believable character than Charles Carreon.

  52. JimBob says

    You know, he might be Charles Carreon, douchebag extraordinaire, but perhaps we're jumping to conclusions a little too quickly, here.

    I suppose, in defense of the shit-eating-crazy bastard, we could point out that branding Ken a "rapeutationist" falls very squarely into the "more speech" category of responses to disagreement, which is something that Ken frequently (and eloquently) advocates on this blog.

    And, as Ken has pointed out in the past, "more speech" does not necessarily imply "more cogent speech" or "speech worth giving a damn about". And Carreon has absolutely helped out in that regard as well, making his screeds damn-near incoherent in content and garishly unreadable in presentation– so that few readers will feel compelled to take him seriously.

    Ken, maybe this is Chucky's way of letting you know that he has come around to your way of thinking. Perhaps this is a sign that your ideas have finally won him over.

  53. says

    JimBob: I suspect Charles Carreon is projecting his own inability to accept or ignore any criticism onto Ken, and hopes/assumes Ken will sue him, so he can jump up and down and scream "I told you so! I told you so!" and feel properly victimized and oppressed.

  54. babaganusz says

    JimBob: i hope you are well sustained, in tribute to your "in-just-the-right-light"ing design.

    Lizard: if C. "conquistadorhead" and T. "jiltedbynader" Carreon can even combine their [drug?AZ?law?nader?oestia?]-addled forces to muster the craft necessary to manipulate Ken into overreacting, they've done a brain-soothingly thorough job of giving… any other impression.

  55. Anony Mouse says

    Thanks Mark, for reminding us that no matter how nutty Charles is, he ain't got nothin' on his wife.

  56. says

    I highly recommend "John Dies At The End", though it does have a little penis and potty humour elements that sometimes slam the moment into literary brick wall. (Book or Movie, though the two are highly divergent for practical reasons.)

    I mention this because early in the work "David", the main character and narrator calls a priest and in that conversation asks the priest what it is like to go mad. The priest, "Father Shellnut" says:

    "Well, they never know they're ill, do they? I mean, you can't diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can't see your own eyeball. I suppose you just feel regular, and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you."

    Whenever a Carreon speaks I think of this sad, terrible version of reality they are slipping into with all earnestness.


  57. Ebeth says

    I tried to read that Rapeutation post. Really, I did. What has me scratching my head (other than the obvious) is: Was Carreon just feeling irrelevant and forgotten? Is he sad that the internet was beginning to forget him?

  58. says

    I see nothing on his website where he admits he was ordered to pay attorney's fees to Inman. You would think that if something was sooooo frivolous, the court would not have ordered him to pay attorney's fees. When will we see that little tidbit on his "personal diary" on the website?

  59. En Passant says

    Ken White wrote Aug 3, 2013 @7:55 pm:

    What really bothers me is that Carreon hasn't put Malshandir on there, either in his Elf or angry German incarnation.

    Because he doesn't want to risk violating the trademark on your new soothing ointment.

    He just contemplated the tyrannizing that a gang of intarnetz rapers could do if he gave them an opening like that.

  60. says

    If this was ever made into a movie, the tagline would either be "The ramblings of the self deluded" or "The man who was a legend in his own mind".

    Or maybe it will be just shot as the sequel to "Tree of Life".

    Regardless, this is the funniest thing I've read all morning. I especially like the fake enlightenment/zen bits where he claims to be completely above the fray, while throwing out passive-aggressive accusations against those that he thinks are against him.

    Now back to work.

  61. BaronLurk says

    Isn't The League of Butthurt a reserved name by the Prendanista's for one of their next LLCs?

  62. Caleb says

    Obvious symptoms of mental illness aside, Carreon's post to which Adam linked has probably the most metal description of the Popehat signal in action I've read:

    Popehat’s Reddit Zombies (PRZs) take up the cry. “Popehat is here! Popehat is here!” The sound of verbal knives unsheathing resounds like ten-thousand cavalrymen drawing their sabers before the attack. Popehat fires the first cannon-blast and there’s a mighty shout, a charge, and the melee begins. Truth is the first victim of this war, and soon the most energetic, most witless PRZs move with storm-trooper speed, and their waves of obloquy push virulent threads pulsing with lies to the top spots on Google overnight. The Free Speech Mafia responds to the Popehat signal, the pro bono defenders of nasty talk mount their armored vehicles, and the victim wakes to find himself in occupied territory. Outside his windows, weird siege machines are being rolled into place.

    Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Ken, you need to invest in a Napoleonic commander's uniform.

  63. Ryan says

    I am stunned that Carreon willingly is affiliating himself with the content of that website. If there were ever a way to commit career and character suicide on the Internet, I think he just mastered it.


  64. Allen says

    Maybe something is wrong with me but I loved reading Carreon's posts. I actually read all of them. He strikes me as quite an intelligent person, but with a definite skew from the normal.

    Hi my name is Allen and I'm a gawker. I just can't help myself from watching trainwrecks.

  65. barry says


    what the hell is Carreon talking about? His writing just seems incoherent. I can't get much aside from the fact that he really hates Ken.

    There is also a bit of "I'm smart and everyone else is dumb" going on there.
    eg on juries in "The Spirit of Surrender" he says:

    They’re doing more real brainwork than they’ve done in years. They want to deliver a verdict.


    I was the prosecutor who at first went over the heads of the juries..

    Saying things that nobody else could follow might have made him think the problem was theirs.

  66. Dave says

    I for one would like to thank Mr Carreon for providing such an excellent table of some of Ken's greatest 'hits'. While you can browse through Popehat and enjoy the posts, I haven't come across such a wonderful omnibus of the best bits consolidated on a single page before.

  67. JT says


    RE: The crash of American Buddha's server

    Though my Sanskrit is a little rusty, I believe the appropriate response translates as "karma is a bitch."

  68. Nicholas Weaver says

    Also, mark your calendar's. Charles Carreon's "No I shouldn't have to pay Paul Levy" reply brief is due on August 21st.

    The problem Charles faces: the best way he could have avoided this mess was to claim "I was a douchebag but not an extraordinary douchebag".

    Yet his behavior with regard to dragging things out, including discovery, a third party subpoena to Ken, and other such actions seemingly intended to only vex and annoy, is going to make it really hard for Charles to make the case on appeal.

    So break out the popcorn, I expect Vintage Carreon Legal Analysis.

  69. Nicholas Weaver says

    If there were ever a way to commit career and character suicide on the Internet, I think he just mastered it.

    Charles didn't have much of a career before the Oatmeal letter blew up in his face. How can you kill what was already dead?

  70. LT says

    Carreon may be a bit too busy to answer. Apparently the lawyer he had in the Penguin case has, according to the minutes of the Aug. 1st meeting, decided to cut his losses and run like hell.

    A smart move, all things considered. Carreon keeps digging himself deeper into his pile of pig shit expecting to hit a gold mine- all he's going to hit is a pocket of methane.