The Tesla, Or The Pony?

Hello editor/admin,

I love your site and think it may be a fit for my marketing campaign. What kind of advertising options do you offer?

How much do you charge for a one very relevant, do-follow, in-copy text link to a non-spammy website?

I will give you great content. I just need to know the cheapest rate you can offer for a link inside the article I will give you.

If your rates meet my budget, I will get back with relevant stories.


Dear Susan,

Thank you for your inquiry.

I am very happy to hear that may be a fit for your marketing campaign.

I am intrigued by your offer for an article containing a link. Can you give me a sense of the likely subject matter of the article you would offer?




Thanks for responding. I was actually interested in sponsored post opportunities such as something similar to this article. The link below is an example to show the type of post. I can write content relevant to any niche.

Please let me know if you would be able to offer this and what your rate would be.


Your linked post demonstrates exactly the sort of incisive analysis we aspire to on Popehat,and echoes some of our deepest and most ill-concealed fears and anxieties. We, too, feel like minnows amongst big blog fish. Although Patrick says that I am more of a grouper, and Clark wrote a 4,000 word essay about how he is the Megaladon. I had to set that post as private because there was too many capitalized swears. Some of them weren't even real words.

I think that it is possible that we could reach some sort of accommodation, Susan. I propose that you consider one of the following:

1. WE: accept your guest post with its embedded sponsored link. YOU: Buy us a red Model X Tesla, with a custom-installed electrical element in the seat that will give me a cautionary shock if I stare at the gigantic dash touchscreen too long, endangering pedestrians. The gazing, I mean, not the shocking; ideally the shocking would help pedestrians by preventing the gazing, which endangers them. Though I suppose technically the shocking shouldn't be set so high that it makes me flinch and swerve into pedestrians either because I think that would defeat the purpose, don't you? So: mild shock reasonably far from the genitals, please. I'm thinking about mid-thigh. In connection with the cautionary shock-device on my new Tesla, I mean, not in connection with anything else. THIS IS NOT AN OBSCENE EMAIL; THIS IS A BUSINESS EMAIL.

2. WE: accept your guest post with its embedded sponsored link, for FREE. YOU: ensure that the guest post includes a cautionary artistic rendering of a pony. This option is only acceptable if you can provide an artistic depiction that captures, to the satisfaction of an artistic panel consisting of us, the terrifying duality of a pony. The pony can't be rending flesh or breathing fire or sucking the soul out of a baby or anything like that. That's the subtext, Susan. No, the pony has to be doing pony things, like amusing children or capering or being photogenic even whilst shitting indiscriminately. It has to be pretty, Susan. It has to be — and I beg you to forgive my roughness here — one extremely Goddamned pretty pony. But it has to simultaneously convey the dark promises of every pony, the bleak and fell possibilities raised by every juvenilequine encounter. The pony has to exist in a visible dual-state of pretty and horrific. You're going to need quite an artist for that, Susan. You can't just hire anyone off the street. Street people are okay at caricatures and the artwork at the New Yorker and stuff but they don't get ponies. If they got ponies they would live off the street, in houses, because ponies are more likely to be on streets. See?

3. We: accept your guest post with its embedded sponsored link, but edit it to our personal satisfaction, potentially including but not limited to altering it until it addresses the Pony Menace to our satisfaction. YOU: help me get my left arm out of this vending machine. Long story. All I can say is: thank God for iPads.

I remain faithfully yours,


Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. That Anonymous Coward says

    It is amazing how they talk about having read your site… and make it obviously clear they never have.

    You should have asked for a spear attachment on the Tesla, suitable for pony hunting.

  2. Louis says

    I want to see one of these people step up to the challenge and actually submit a pony article. That would be funny as hell.

  3. Ken in NH says

    I hope that she goes for option 1. I look forward to your disappointed review and subsequently being sued by Tesla like they did with Top Gear.

  4. XS says

    You're going to need to go back to Susan with your request for a Tesla for it will necessarily need to be the convertible version so that the Popehat hat can ride in its normal and customary position of prominence.

  5. Pedant says

    Would an article on the Icelandic horse do? After all, Icelandic horses are typically smaller than standard ponies. I also need to know whether an article concerning dancing chorus girls would do.

  6. Kevin says

    @Ken in NH, they sued Top Gear because it was RIGGED, as in scripted in advance. Literally. They actually found a copy of the script, before the "test" had been done.

  7. Jason says

    I love your first response back. The picture that came into my mind was of a fisherman letting out line so that the fish would swallow the bait…

  8. princessartemis says

    Someday, someone is going to step up to the challenge, and the results will be spectacular.

  9. manybellsdown says

    I vote we add electric genital-shockers to all Lexus vehicles, because those folks can't possibly drive any worse.

    (Ken probably has a Lexus and I'm banned now)

  10. ZarroTsu says


    I sincerely hope Ken includes this sentence in every email he ever makes (or at least emails in regards to this blog. Although law emails would also be interesting). It's simply too fitting not to.

  11. Fasolt says

    I'd also ask for that spear attachment TAC mentioned to be connected to the battery so you can have a little fun with the ponies before you send them to that big rodeo in the sky.

  12. En Passant says

    Sinceer hopez left arm not hurt.

    Wud rite artical on red Tesla pony meanass but I haz not got iPad.

  13. ketchup says

    Now I know why lawyers are so expensive. The paying customers subsidize lawyers' teasing of would-be blog-spammers and other recreational activities.

  14. ketchup says

    . . . and to clarify – I am not criticizing Ken's use of his time at all. If he wants to spend his time making spammers look foolish, good for him!
    I actually find it entertaining!

  15. gramps says

    So there is a business web site that advertises disco pants?? Who knew.

    I wonder if she might sweeten the pot by providing an actual pony wearing disco pants.

  16. That Anonymous Coward says

    @Clark – even if Machine Gun ended up going out like a bitch, the knife proved useful. Not sure you'd want to get that close to a pony.

  17. George William Herbert says

    Oh, Bravo, Tesla Motors. Bravo.

    I will stop buzzing past your factory at 9,000 RPM for a week, to honor your lulz.

  18. SKT says

    Ken, I'm afraid you fell right into Susan's trap. I couldn't stop myself from clicking on her link.

    BTW I really could have used that sage advice before my small business went down.

    Now I sit at a desk in a tiny cubicle and read about paste eating ponies all day while pretending to analyze spreadsheets for someone I don't care about (and secretly hate).

    Also, anyone else here going to Bronie-con?

  19. Rusty says

    Excellent point Clark. There are obscene business e-mails. I've received a few. I've sent a few. OK, more than a few.

  20. says

    "Juvenilequine" just made the short-list for portmanteau of the month. (But, please confirm: Is 'ju-ven-ILL-eh-kwine' the preferred pronunciation ?)

  21. Brandon says

    One of these days someone with more money than sense is going to take you up on that offer. What will you do then, Ken?

  22. George William Herbert says

    "What will you do then, Ken?"

    I believe this may be a stealth campaign to give Ken something to discourage his law partners and associates from bothering him when he's blogging:

    "Hey, Ken, are you…"


  23. Flip says


    My god that was fried gold. It almost makes me wish I got spam just so I could send them a few choice exerpts of Pony Mail in return.

  24. Jeremy says

    Why is the most amusing part about this site how they deal with marketers? I wouldn't expect that from a blog stacked with lawyers.

    I lol'd

  25. Brian Westley says

    Just a couple of weeks ago, I received a spam improve-your-web-business email. It was boring until the very end:

    Hi Firesigntheatre Team,
    Hope you are doing well.
    Your website can give you productive result in business. It sounds great! In addition, you want your website to remain at the top on the search engine.

    Best Regards,
    Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx |SEO Consultant
    PH. No: 000-000-0000
    AUS: +00-00000-0000
    Skype: xxx.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    1: This email is stands for onetime and you may ask us to “REMOVE” you from our list. diaperswappers

  26. MTO says

    I want to second the "oh please, someone step up and make pony-related spam content that the PopeHat willingly publishes" sentiment.