Why Won't Nice Girls Ever Write Me Back? :(


I am a writer looking for good blogs like yours where I can contribute professionally written and proofread articles. I'm just wondering if you accept guest posts?

If you do currently accept contributions, do you allow links inside the main article? Also, are there any fees I might need to pay?

Looking forward to hearing from you soon. :)



Dear Victoria,

Thank you for your inquiry.

What kinds of subjects do your articles address? Would it be possible to suggest a topic suited for my blog?



Thanks for your reply.

Generally I prefer to be guided by the publisher in terms of what they would like covered. This way you get an article that fits in with the overall voice of your blog. Do you have any strong preferences in terms of what should or shouldn't be covered?



Dear Victoria,

Thank you for your response.

I appreciate your offer to craft an article that fits with the voice of our blog. The term I hear most often to describe our voice is "shouty," but that's mostly from people who are frankly very judgmental. I prefer the term "mellifluous" to describe our voice. I previously preferred "jumentous" because it sounds nice, like a combination of momentous and jubilant, but then I looked it up and no.

Right now, Victoria, we're particularly interested in the equine risks to our children — or, as we prefer to say to convey the fulsome nature and extent of the threat, Our Children. I don't know about Australia, but in America right now pony rides are very popular. You see pony rides at the birthday parties of imminently bankrupt social climbing parents, at open-air farmer's markets in the suburbs, at at fairs, carnivals, and other community events operated by persons susceptible to being depicted in HBO series. The sight of the ponies fills children with delight, Victoria. But too seldom is the question asked — are they SAFE?

Please let me know if you would like for me to elaborate.

Also, what type of links would you like to put in the articles? May I hope they would add value and provide information likely to be of interest to our readers?

Very truly yours,


[no response]





Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. bill. says

    "Canada to India
    Australia to Cornwall
    Singapore to Hong Kong
    From the West to the East
    From the rich to the poor
    Victoria loved them all"

    sorry, nothing about horses

  2. Docrailgun says

    I fear Victoria is a Pegasister and thus you have hurt her feelings about her My Little Pony fandom.

  3. says

    Any Popehat post where I need to look up a word's definition is usually a winner. LMAO at jumentous. Need to work that one into the regular insult rotation.

  4. Ancel De Lambert says

    I'm waiting for the day someone spams you, then pulls through with a story about the dangers of ponies.

  5. says

    The jumentous line is the best ever and probably the best that will ever be. I sadly didn't know what a beast of burden is, but I knew I wouldn't want to smell like one.

  6. Christian R. says

    You were REALLY close on this one.

    According to many popups on the internet, there are singles in my area.. I can only assume one is a writer. I'll ask around.

  7. Sam says

    Wait, jumentous is often used to refer to horse urine? Horses, the equine kin of the Pony Scourge? Has Ken been turned?

  8. anonymous drive by commenter says

    I can confirm I have never been killed by a pony, even though I've driven by a local "miniature horse" seller plenty of times at 55 mph. Therefore, they must be safe.

  9. Tom says

    So… supposing one of these guys actually writes a good article about the Pony Threat… you're gonna post it, right?

  10. Shkspr says

    I think you should know that while glancing at Zest Marketing's facebook page, I saw multiple followers engaged in the buying and selling of ponies. I think you dodged a fifth column attempt here.

  11. I was Anonymous says

    @bill, you could always ask Mick Jagger what a beast of burden is…

    Though I've heard that… PONIES… have been used as such…

  12. Doctor X says

    You all do realize that ponies are the NUMBER ONE killer of children–CHILDREN–killed by ponies?



  13. Mike says

    Thank you for teaching me a new word. Not sure how I'm going to work it into my active vocabulary, but I'm sure going to try. I think it would go well with the Prenda coverage.

  14. flip says


    Can I recommend a Popehat word calendar? I wouldn't buy a t-shirt, but might invest in a word calendar… :)

  15. Kat says

    I kinda feel sorry for people who go to blogs they've never read trying to get a job. They must be desperate.

    (Still think they should be mocked/ponied though.)

  16. Artor says

    I was at the county fair once years ago, with my ex-wife and my step-daughter, who was 6 at the time. She wanted to go on the pony ride, so we stood in line & waited for her turn. While waiting, a friend of our happened by and stopped to chat. Finally, my step-daughter was at the head of the line and was being helped onto the pony.

    "Sidesaddle honey!" my friend shouted over the din of the fair, "Protect your honor!" Then he slapped his hand over his mouth, appalled that he'd said that in his out-loud voice.

  17. max says

    I'm sure she just did some research on equine predation to write an article for the site and was so horrified by what she found out that she has been unable to respond.

  18. Randall says

    I think you have entirely too much fun with this. There oughta be a law.

    Also, "jumentous" is my new word challenge – I will find a way to work it into my next closing argument.

  19. Charles says

    I would think that the 'pony' theme would grow tiresome. But like Search for the Holy Grail, the Princess Bride, and Spinal Tap, it stands up remarkably over time.

  20. gramps says

    Kat has a point… I would expect one to at least read through a few of the posts, and comments, to get an idea if the blog is something one would want to be associated with. But my expectations would not be met often. Is it not like applying for a job at a business when you have no idea of what the business does, and when finding out what that is, you go forward knowing you do not do anything that might contribute to that business.

    Maybe its my age, but how does contributing to a blog as a guest contributor become a "job". Does it pay well? Benefits? Workers' Comp?
    Do they get a cut of the Amazon thingy?

  21. jdh says

    The link triggers a malware alert on my machine.

    "Exploit Blackhat SEO type 1720)"

    Not sure I would mess around there.

  22. En Passant says

    gramps wrote Sep 26, 2013 @11:05 am:

    Maybe its my age, but how does contributing to a blog as a guest contributor become a "job". Does it pay well? Benefits? Workers' Comp?
    Do they get a cut of the Amazon thingy?

    The "guest contributor job" is to cram as many spammy advertising links into the "guest post" as possible. Their clients are less than ethicaljumentous advertisers.

    The "guest contributor" business is just a variant on comment spam.

    The "guest contributor" gets permission to write an article from the blogger, then crams in spam links paid for by their actual clients, the advertiser. They then have plausible deniability, since the blogger invited them to write the "guest post".

    The comment spammer just jumps into blog comments and leaves spammy links paid for by his advertiser clients.

  23. lc says

    Oh Victoria, Victoria…it's worse than you know. I use a browser with "noscript". When scripts won't run for a website, it shows the "ALT" text for an object. In this case the top portion of the website does not display (the one that cycles through different sayings and pictures). Instead in it's place is this:


    Because 1998, The blue pill has centered the erectile dysfunction current lapuzohwey lapuzohwey market. However the current relieve both Cialas and Levitra, men're available the hlkgqbqncs hlkgqbqncs"

    For Ponies perhaps?

  24. David says

    I think perhaps you made the unwarranted assumption that Victoria is a "nice" girl. Heck, she may not even be a girl, and if she is, her name probably isn't Victoria. Likely a victim of a pony assault.

  25. Lago says

    I'm waiting for the day someone spams you, then pulls through with a story about the dangers of ponies.

    I…. I want this…

  26. lagaya1 says

    @Artor, I would be deeply concerned about any male friend who called my 6 year old "honey", or mentioned her "honor". Meant to be funny, I'm sure, but not. Maybe the pony wasn't the only danger nearby.

  27. Christenson says

    @david, the very first link…from Victoria herself…in Queensland!

    Now, the state of Virginia says horses are dangerous, too…we have an equine inherent risk law, and it basically means if you get close to a pony, any pony, you are on your own. Ponies have nibbled me quite a bit!

  28. jdh says


    I only see one link in the post, "Victoria", at the end of the first e-mail from her.

    If I had found more links, I would have been more specific.

  29. Justin Kittredge says

    That link to Victoria triggers my AVG, just did a root kit scan and now my anti-virus froze up. I would unlink to whatever that is. clicked it before i read comments and what jdh commented on.

  30. Vorkon says


    This one sounds less like an actual spammer than a fan and/or stalker trying to bait you into writing them their very own Pony reply. I mean, they don't usually ask YOU what you want them to write about, do they?

    You don't need to worry about Victoria not writing you back. She's outside your window right now. Riding a pony.

  31. bst says

    Every time I read a Popehat post about ponies I am reminded of the sign that recently appeared on the road from my home into town, a sign painted with brightly coloured cheery balloons and the words "Pony Rides".

    Every time I drive into town for groceries I see that sign, and often through the rail fence I can see actual Children sitting on actual Ponies being led around the field. I am reminded of Popehat, and I wonder what it means that I never see those same children again when I drive back home.

  32. Shane says


    That link killed me … I especially love this "… it turns out ponies are assholes they bite all of the time." I just about fell out of my chair.

  33. Sami says

    by Sami

    The twenty-first century is well under way. Ours is a complex era – upheaval triggered by a global financial earthquake whose aftershocks are still shuddering across the world, in an atmosphere of cultural and political turmoil as the internet and social media change the way we understand society and each other.

    However, the problems of the twenty-first century may mask an older, greater threat. A threat to all of us, perhaps, but most dangerously, a threat to our children.

    Is it global warming, you may ask? Ocean acidification? Supervolcanoes? No.

    It is ponies.

    Ponies, like other criminal networks, have been quick to adapt to the digital age. Children's birthday parties, with their central feature being the much-loved pony ride, issue invitations via Facebook. Message boards aid sympathisers in discussing their sick obsessions. Innocent children can query Google about ponies and be met with an instant grotesquerie of images and descriptions of ponies – even videos.

    Worst of all, the Internet has helped the dissemination of the ongoing pony propaganda series, and fostered the cult-like coagulation of the group known as "bronies", a sinister society that is, even now, infiltrating the farthest reaches and highest echelons of even the most civilised nations. Friendship is magic they say, betraying the Satanic influences of their worship.

    The danger is dire and immediate. The question we are faced with remains: Who will stand against the rising tide? Who will challenge such insidious perfidy? The old menace adapts. No rising pace of change will be sufficient to leave the ponies behind.

  34. Votre says

    Popehay is a conspiracy. Ken primarily created this site with the intent of deflecting attention from, and painting as ludicrous, the fact that THERE ACTUALLY IS A PONY PROBLEM – AND WHEN ARE RIGHT-THINKING AMERICANS FINALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!!!


    BTW – here in CT there is a suit going that will shortly go to the State Supreme Court.

    Kid got bit by a horse named Scuppy. Parents sued. The court sided with the defendant. Parents appealed. Then: In February 2012, the mid-level Appellate Court overturned a lower court ruling and said that testimony by Timothy Astriab, whose family owns the farm, demonstrated that Scuppy belongs to ‘‘a species naturally inclined to do mischief or be vicious.’’

    CT's Supreme Court must have a pretty empty docket these days…


  35. says



    I only see one link in the post, "Victoria", at the end of the first e-mail from her.

    If I had found more links, I would have been more specific.

    If you had looked at the comments immediately preceding your contribution about link risks, you would have found … two links in addition to the one in the post itself.

    Nothing you wrote limits the scope of your comment to the original post alone, and comments are frequently used to engage other comments or the discussion as a whole.

  36. Ross says

    Forgive me if I'm being thick, but what are these companies after? Surely not advertising, if they're asking you what subject they might write about?! Like, I say, I may be thick, but I'm confused what their business model is…