Waiting Patiently For The SEOer To Reply

Joel Marami

6:46 AM (5 hours ago)

to me

Dear Business owner,

This letter regards to the website www.popehat.com

My name is Joel Marami. I am the director of digital marketing at NGRWebTeam. We have some very good news. We have discovered why your website has not been effective as it could be.

OUR ANALYSIS IS AS FOLLOW;

No.1 – The organic traffic to your website has been extremely low. We have measured it at less than 40 percent. It really should be at 80-90%. Since it is not, you are missing out on at least twice as much exposure that you could and should be getting.

No.2 – People who are searching for your type of Business on search engine like GOOGLE, YAHOO and BING are not being driven to your website due to an insufficient number of in-bound links instead; they are being driven to one of your competitor’s websites. This is business that your company is losing to the competition. This is totally unnecessary. Certainly, anything worth doing is worth doing well. With some adjusting this can mean an increase in business of many thousands of dollars per year.

No.3 – The social presence of your website is minimal to be most effective; your website should be actively found on over 10+ high social media websites. This increased social presence will expose your business and your website to people who live, work and frequent your local market and geographical area…If people are not aware of your existence, they will do business with one of your competitors instead. As the saying goes.. OUT OF SIGHT …OUT OF MIND..

Overall, based on our research, we can certainly improve the results you have been getting by increasing your Company’s online presence and resolving any critical online reputation management issues that you are having. We would also like to discuss your website’s conversion rate optimization with you. We can convert more of your visitors into becoming actual customer.

Invite for consultation…CALL NOW! Or Email Back. We can proceed from our corporate e-mail ID…this is just a once-off measure to avoid spam.

Best Regard,

The NGRWebTeam

843-606-1147

Ken At Popehat

8:56 AM (3 hours ago)

to Joel

Dear Joel:

Thank you for writing! I was staring out at the vast expanse that is today, feeling the slight tremor in my hand, hearing the faint red song, and wondering, wondering, if today will be the day that . . .

. . . and then your letter came.

"We have some very good news. We have discovered why your website has not been effective as it could be."

Wow. That is good news. I've been thinking about that a lot, Joel, and it's been a complete mystery. The market for foul-mouthed easily-distracted clinical-depression-prone footnoted free speech over-analysis is HUGE. HUGE, Joel. I have built the better mousetrap, where "mouse" is "your free time and peace of mind." The world should be beating a path to my door. Other that incident with the Thai food delivery guy nothing of that nature has happened.

"OUR ANALYSIS IS AS FOLLOW;"

We're fallow? That's kind of harsh, Joel, but fair. We have plowed deep lands in the blogsoil but recently have not left our seed. That seed would grow into strong things — mighty things, Joel — things like police abuse rants and Downfall videos and apocalyptic fantasies and innovative communications paradigms like "snort my taint." But we have not left it, and so nothing grows.

Can you help us?

"The organic traffic to your website has been extremely low. We have measured it at less than 40 percent. It really should be at 80-90%. Since it is not, you are missing out on at least twice as much exposure that you could and should be getting."

This is outrageous. All Popehat content is organic, localvore, fair trade, and non-exploitatively cultivated, except the Clark stuff, but that's cultural. Why are we not getting organic traffic? Are the big blogs stealing it with their fake "natural" content? That chaps my ass. Should we market more heavily in Portland? I'm not going to have to wear skinny jeans again, am I? Because last time a rivet popped and the shopgirl lost an eye. She has to wear a patch. They will only let her work in pirate-themed stores and she's terribly allergic to parrots and morally I just don't think I can go down that road again.

"People who are searching for your type of Business on search engine like GOOGLE, YAHOO and BING are not being driven to your website due to an insufficient number of in-bound links instead; they are being driven to one of your competitor’s websites"

Unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. IF ANYONE IS GETTING DRIVEN AWAY FROM POPEHAT IT IS GOING TO BE BY DESIGN. Ideally as early in the process as possible. Is there a way to force a popup before people surf to Popehat? It could use algorithms. As many as 3 if they are reasonably priced. The popup could say things like "our analysis of your web browsing history suggests that you're a huge whiny fuckstick. Are you sure you want to expose yourself to the sort of blog written by someone whose parting words to his seven-year-old today were 'don't make me teach you Daddy's leisurely crawlspace game'?" That way we get only pre-selected QUALITY hits, like a record of the month club.

"The social presence of your website is minimal to be most effective; your website should be actively found on over 10+ high social media websites."

Got it. Question of clarification: does it have to be our website OPENLY hanging out on other websites, or can it be subtle? Because I troll 10 major websites every day, easy. Yesterday I left an Eid al-Fitr prayer on Townhall that made three guys so scared they got their camouflage sweatpants out of the hamper. Then I left a meditation on truck nutz colors on Salon that triggered an editor, twelve interns, and half the readers and apparently made Alex Pareene lose focus and get his foot caught in an escalator. But those don't say "Popehat." Do those still work building our social presence?

"resolving any critical online reputation management issues that you are having."

That would be great. I have a list of words. I want our site to be unassociated with those words and those words to have nothing to do with our reputation. The words include "taint" and "pony" and "twatwaffle," all of which we regret for various legal and philosophical reasons. What can you do for us? Can you manage us to be more cool-popular? Is it anything like managing a boy band? Can I be the cute one? I always have to be the sullen one. I've been the sullen one for forty-five years and it fucking SUCKS. I am THROUGH with it.

So see what you can do for me, Joel.

Very truly yours,

Ken

www.popehat.com

Last 5 posts by Ken White

Comments

  1. Chris says

    "People who are searching for your type of Business on search engine like GOOGLE, YAHOO and BING"

    They're all one "search engine"? I knew there was something funny going on!

    "your website should be actively found on over 10+ high social media websites."

    I'm only on 2. Is this why no one loves me?

  2. melK says

    One of these days, you'll get spam from an Engrish major, looking to do a guest post on the Evils of Pony-taint on Network Neutrality as influenced by link farm optimism, and it'll be a work of EFFing art!

    …Can you actually get a degree in Artistically and Stereotypically Bad Grammar these days? Or do you have to go to one of those diploma mills and get one of their factory seconds?

  3. sorrykb says

    I want to hate SEO marketers, but without them, we wouldn't have things like this.
    So conflicted.

  4. says

    "Manage me like a boy band!" Is that a euphemism? Do I want to be managed like a boy-band, or should I just wait for Clark to throw a horse's head through my bedroom window?

  5. anne mouse says

    "a meditation on Truck Nutz colors on Salon"

    Please tell me you actually wrote one, otherwise I may be unable to fight the compulsion to do so myself.

  6. ChrisCM says

    your website should be actively found on over 10+ high social media websites.

    Like . . . facebake.com?

  7. CJK Fossman says

    @Ken

    Mr. Murami wrote "The organic traffic to your website has been extremely low."

    I think he means you're getting a lot of inorganic traffic. Like from Voyager I, C3PO and, oh crap, Skynet.

  8. says

    "resolving any critical online reputation management issues that you are having."–Sounds like they could have a ready-made clientele just by reading through the Popehat archives.

  9. mmmwright says

    SOOO glad you're back. I only wish I could watch the faces of the marketers who receive these replies. Although they probably never get it.

  10. Aaron says

    Should we market more heavily in Portland? I'm not going to have to wear skinny jeans again, am I?

    LOL, brilliant, simply brilliant. Totally made my afternoon, thank you spammer! :)

  11. Just a thought says

    With apologies to David: Joel has somehow missed the obvious point that text size is the problem.

    Oh, and of course no pictures of ponies. Those would drive organic traffic to the site. And Ken over the edge. There's always collateral damage, but it can't be helped.

    BTW, I do rather like the new quoting, although I'm not totally convinced by italics for a long quote.

  12. Fasolt says

    And for God's sake, no driving any equine traffic into the website. We don't want any stampedes.

  13. TimL says

    I enjoyed this immensely but nonetheless… I hope the clinical depression is under control. Well wishes.

  14. Delvan Neville says

    We can proceed from our corporate e-mail ID…this is just a once-off measure to avoid spam.

    What has the internet come to, when even spammers get too much spam?

  15. Kevin Horner says

    That letter reminds me so much of Nigerian scammer letters and the response of the mightiest scambaiter.

  16. Anglave says

    As the saying goes.. "Certainly, anything worth doing is worth doing well."

    I'm amused by the more than 10+ hilarious ironies in Joel's email. Perhaps if he had the experience he claims with 'critical online reputation management issues' he'd convert more of his victims into becoming actual customer.

  17. says

    I am saddened by the fact that his grasp of English does not appear to be sufficient to enable him to truly grasp the subtle majesty of your letter. There's few things less-satisfying than a devastating reply that soars right over the recipient's little pointy head.

  18. Matt says

    I have built the better mousetrap, where "mouse" is "your free time and peace of mind."

    This much, at least, is true.

  19. says

    With some adjusting this can mean an increase in business of many thousands of dollars per year.

    I obviously need to get more serious about my blogging.

  20. Jim Lovejoy says

    With some adjusting this can mean an increase in business of many thousands of dollars per year.
    I obviously need to get more serious about my blogging.

    Except that the spammer was referring to the spammer's business, not popehat's

  21. Nullifidian says

    Yesterday I left an Eid al-Fitr prayer on Townhall that made three guys so scared they got their camouflage sweatpants out of the hamper.

    You can't imagine how fervently I want this to be true.

  22. Dr. Dan says

    I have never been so happy to receive the same SPAM email blast! We are finally as important as Popehat! OMG! Our corporate culture is now complete, we can finally claim to being as popular as Popehat!

    I'm honored to be in the same company as the fine folks at Popehat! Now we will work diligently to elevate our online presence to be as useful and informative…

    Truly a banner day for us…

    (Keep up the good work folks!)

  23. Vee says

    First letter is false. It operates under the erroneous idea that people use Bing as a search engine.

  24. Devil's Advocate says

    @Vee
    Sometimes people don't realize the search engine they are using is Bing. But they usually figure it out pretty quickly and fix it.

  25. kmc says

    Shame on you for being so blithe about this, Ken. I mean, has Popehat even been matched with anybody on Tinder? How could you be so reckless with your brand? What if somebody murders it, and it doesn't have a boyfriend to check up on it and realize that it's gone, and it's there in its apartment for days with the newspapers piling up? This kind of thing can be prevented, Ken, but only when people care enough to use Tinder.

    I do think, however, that Popehat should make a strong move to MySpace as performance art. I hear that sells for a lot if you confuse people enough.