A Brand New Exchange About Ponies

David Charles

Jan 15

to me
Hi,

I hope you are well.

Would you be interested in collaborating with me on a free high-end article for publication on your site popehat.com?

All of my articles are of high-end editorial quality and will be 100% unique to you. I will provide a genuine piece that your readers will enjoy reading and will include one link in the body of the article.

Is there any particular area you'd like to see covered on the site? I have a number of topic ideas that I'd be happy to discuss with you further.

Please do get in touch if this is of interest to you.

Kind Regards,
David Charles
Editorial Manager
www.specialistauthors.com

Ken At Popehat

Jan 15

to David
Dear Mr. Charles,

I am well! Thank you for so hoping.

I am intrigued by the offer of a high-end article, particularly one that comes for free. It has been difficult to produce content for the website of late owing to a variety of factors that are best not transmitted by wire over state lines.

There is a particular area I'd like to see covered. Let me begin by asking — are any of your writers capable of addressing health and safety hazards? If so I will elaborate.

Respectfully yours,

Ken White
www.popehat.com

Ken At Popehat

Jan 27 (8 days ago)

to David
Mr. Charles? Are you there?

aimee.w@specialistauthors.com

Jan 29 (6 days ago)

to me
Images are not displayed. Display images below – Always display images from aimee.w@specialistauthors.com
Hi Ken,

Thanks for your email, appreciate you getting back to us.

My name is Aimee, I work with David here.

We are interested in working with you, and wondered if you would be interested in an article focusing on maintaining your brand status internationally online?

The article will be of the highest editorial quality and include one do follow link.

Would you be interested in proceeding?

Kind Regards,

Aimee

Editorial Quality Manager
www.Specialistauthors.com

Ken At Popehat

Feb 3 (1 day ago)

to aimee.w
Dear Aimee,

Thank you for responding! I sure hope David is all right. I was getting worried.

I appreciate your offer of an article focusing on maintaining my brand status internationally online.

Would this article be unique to our site? It would be hard to maintain our brand status even in this county, let alone internationally, if we have the same article everyone else has.

I'm very happy to hear that the article will be of the highest editorial quality. I don't mind sharing with you, Aimee, that we have some editorial issues at Popehat.com. There are fewer after certain legal proceedings involving Clark, but they have weighed heavily on my heart.

Is it possible to seek any customization of the article? I have nothing but respect for your high editors' grasp of multinational brand status issues, but there are certain pressing issues that I think are especially important. I'm wondering, specifically, if the article could address certain fell but little-known risks to brand status (and even to health and security).

Thanks,

Ken White
www.popehat.com

aimee.w@specialistauthors.com

Attachments2:21 AM (14 hours ago)

to me
Hi Ken,

Thanks for getting back to me, much appreciated.

David is fine, he is just a bit snowed under at work now. Thanks for your kind concern :)

The article will be unique to your site, and I will not offer or share the content elsewhere.

You can of course have customization of the article, could you please let me know what you would like included or omitted in particular, and I can work this in.

I would need to request that the article is not tagged as either a guest post, posted by admin or mention Specialist Authors (at my managers request).

Would these conditions be OK for you?

Thank you again for your reply.

Ken At Popehat

4:28 PM (4 minutes ago)

to aimee.w
Dear Aimee:

I am glad to hear that David is all right, and that he has not been, say, trampled. NOT TRAMPLED! I just mean, uh, inconvenienced.

I am thrilled that you will customize my article! I feel that now brand status will be maintained not just internationally, but uniquely. You have no idea how worried bloggers are about their brand getting mixed up with other brands, like that time all those people from InfoWars got here by mistake and started screaming that I was the Whore of Babylon and that their anti-chemtrail-wristbands would protect them from my discussions of defamation jurisprudence. That was brand HUMILIATION, Aimee, and I'd like to avoid it if I can do so legally and consistent with my medical regimen.

So! Let's maintain the Popehat brand, internationally, even in countries that sound like hipsters, like Chad.

Here's what I would like included in the article: the grave physical and psycho-sexual hazards posed to brands by the Grave Pony Menace in the form of the Pony State of America and Canada (PSAC, pronounced "sack," as in ball- or gunny-). We can pretend to ignore it, Aimee, if we live in a Green Zone, like Chicago or Duluth or the Vice President's residence (the Vice President finds ponies distracting). But other places can't ignore it. The ponies — they come. They come. How can something so moderate-sized and fluffy be so inexorable? They come, and they stomp, and trample, and bite, and rear up in a showy and disconcerting way, and they stare into our eyes. When you stare into the pony, Aimee, the pony stares into you, particularly if it has ripped your midsection open with it's snake-quick sharp teeth.

How can we brand, given the threat of ponies? We can work to develop a brand — legal commentary, apocalyptic fantasy, trolling MRAs, art — what what good is the brand when the ponies show up? Lickety-split our customers go from saying "Popehat is where I go for trenchant free speech commentary" to "Popehat is where I went and saw a pony rip out a man's femoral artery and he seemed to do jazzhands as he bled out but that was probably just frightened flailing and they made Clark clean up but the place still smells ominously coppery." That's no brand. How do you pitch that? Hipster or not that will not test well in Chad.

So: in summation, please have your high editors create a piece that explains how Popehat can remain about legally sophisticated and informative snark, INTERNATIONALLY, and not about glistering piles of viscera left carelessly behind by things with names like Shasta and Clip-Clop and Prettypretty. HELP US DEFEND OUR BRAND.

I would be happy, per your request, to mention Specialist Authors. I hope that your Specialist Author who specializes in pony-violence has a name evoking probity, wisdom, and defiance.

I remain, very truly yours,

Ken White
www.popehat.com

P.S. The backlink is fine, but it can only contain a p and an n, not a p and an n AND an o or y.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

Comments

  1. Aaron says

    Oh. Thank you for that Ken. It's been so long I was wondering if the Internets had finally learned to avoid you. I guess not :)

  2. Gorshkov says

    I haven't been keeping up. Has Clark counter-sued yet, or did you pummel him into submission?

  3. jimmythefly says

    So! Let's maintain the Popehat brand, internationally, even in countries that sound like hipsters, like Chad.

    This is where I lost it. Thanks! Needed some of this today.

  4. Caroline says

    So, what happens when Aimee turns in an article meeting all of your requirements? It sounds like it would be fairly entertaining.

  5. Jack B. says

    These companies probably break in their new employees by having them exchange emails with Ken.

  6. Kyle Kiernan says

    I would just like to note that, as is known midst the Hogewash confabulary I have some small experience in the removal and transport of excess pony populations via trans-temporal intermediation. Now with special discounts for Christmas morning pickups!

  7. Sporaderic says

    Holy crap, it's been months since I've laughed out loud at anything. Thank you. Thanks also for employing the word "fell" in a sense that is far too underused and unappreciated outside of Tolkien movie adaptations.

  8. LrdDimwit says

    Quit reading my mind like that, Ken, you'll go blind. I was literally a couple of minutes ago thinking "there's been a disturbing lack of pony on the Popehat lately. Did the spammers finally wise up?"

    Also, this might be the only time a link to Stack Overflow might actually be on topic here – but since as far as I can tell nobody's ever posted it here before, enjoy:

    http://stackoverflow.com/questions/1732348/regex-match-open-tags-except-xhtml-self-contained-tags/1732454#1732454

    Much like real life, when you finally see the "PONY", it is too late – the end is near, and the madness is already upon you.

  9. barry says

    I would need to request that the article is not tagged as either a guest post, posted by admin or mention Specialist Authors (at my managers request).

    Is Aimee sounding a little insulted that David thinks her article would damage the 'Specialist Authors' brand?

  10. stillnotking says

    If I were Aimee, I'd be pretty pissed at David Charles right now for throwing me that one.

    No, you've got it all wrong. Aimee snaked David's job with a truly Machiavellian boardroom maneuver that involved, among other things, compromising photographs of his wife and a pony.

    In six months, she'll be running the company, and producing all content for Popehat.

  11. Ken in NH says

    Ken,

    A word of warning: Hipsters are in league with the ponies and they are too far gone to repent their bronie ways. So I would focus on burnishing your brand here in the U.S., not hipster countries like Chad and Brooklyn.

  12. Colin says

    Wait…Brooklyn is a real place? I always thought it was just a story told to frighten children into behaving.

  13. David K. says

    Am I the only one who thinks that "David Charles" was invented for this pitch? Because it looks suspicious.

  14. Ken in NH says

    Yes, like Transylvania, Brooklyn is a real place. Also like Transylvania, it is shrouded in legend to the point where it might seem fictional. Again, like Transylvania, the truth (i.e. Vlad the Impaler) is worse than the legend.

  15. Justin says

    I would be happy, per your request, to mention Specialist Authors.

    Obviously not at all important, but I can't seem to read that meaning out of this (admittedly garbled) request:

    I would need to request that the article is not tagged as either a guest post, posted by admin or mention Specialist Authors (at my managers request).

    What am I missing?

  16. Fasolt says

    Wait…Brooklyn is a real place? I always thought it was just a story told to frighten children into behaving.

    Brooklyn? That's not scary. This is:

  17. albert says

    I get the 'high' part of "high end", but where's the 'end'?
    .
    On specialistauthors.com:
    http://fakenews2013.blogspot.com/2014/02/amy-in-cloud-with-secrets.html
    .
    A Google search of "James Whittam" specialistauthors
    ….
    1 result
    Testimonials – Specialist Authors
    specialistauthors.com/testimonials/
    James Whittam. We needed high quality informative and engaging content as part of our SEO campaign to get our website to rank more highly on Google's …
    ….
    From their FAQs:
    "…How do I apply to be part of the Specialist Authors team?
    We’d love to hear from you! Send us an email at: info@specialistauthors.com…"
    .
    I gotta go…

  18. JB says

    What confuses me is how much time she spent on her letters to Ken, all in the service of a bullsh*t SEO con job. It can't be efficient to spend that amount of time on getting a single blog post.

    I just don't understand the market they are playing in.

  19. Snorq says

    Ken, I want to thank you for raising awareness regarding the dire threat our country faces from this pony menace. I can't help but wonder though if you've done enough to protect yourself and your loved ones. To that end, I must ask – do you have your Pony-Emergency Notification and Information System in place? I have one, and so should you.

  20. albert says

    @205guy
    Isn't it nice to have folks out there who can do the heavy lifting for us on such subjects? Even if one could remove all the money-grubbing, blood-sucking parasites, there would still be lots of cool stuff out there on the Web, at least for now. Who knows what the future might bring?

    Ego autem vadam quo…

  21. Matt says

    @205guy: Good link, thanks. As a follow-up to said aside, the Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis has a crypt containing the remains of 3 cardinals and one arch-bishop. In the chapel above the crypt they have hanging the hats for the cardinals, and one of the decorations is a coat of arms with green hat for the arch bishop. Check out pictures 6 & 10 in this gallery for the coat of arms, and the three hats hanging from the chapel ceiling (respectively): http://cathedralstl.org/parish/online-tour/all-souls-chapel/

    As to the original topic… Dan Weber beat me to it, but I so want to post My Little Pony images every time Ken does one of these :P I'll just add, I suspect this is the REAL pony menace here: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2014/09/my_little_pony_equestria_girls_art.jpg

  22. AlphaCentauri says

    Have you checked out the "high-end" articles on their own blog?
    http://www.donotlink.com/dopq
    Your middle-schoolers might get a hoot out of doing some writing critiques on those sad little pieces. It's like they have a dictionary of sentences on various topics, and then they assemble them randomly into paragraphs.

  23. says

    I agree with Jerry. Cows are suppose to graze on grass not but forced fed with corn. It’s unnatural so the corn makes the cattle weigh more. The fill them with anti-bodies and that goes into our bodies when we eat the meat. All of this in the name of money. It’s a shame. We turn our back on the natural way things should be done in the name of money. It’s a crying shame.
    Let’s start caring about the health of the people. America is at the bottom of the list of the top 20 richest countries and we have the shortest life span. This tell us all something.