A Warning To All Mankind

Dear Friends:

I was asked by Ken, whom I esteem most highly and whose website "Pope Hat" is among the finest published today, to write a special guest contribution. I would like to thank Ken for this opportunity, and all of you, my most valued friends, for reading this important message.

Friends, what do you think of, when I mention the common American pony, or, as science calls it, Equus Maleficus? Like most, you probably think of fairgrounds and hayrides and smiling kids. Have you considered that behind the smiling mask that is Equus Maleficus, there lurks the grin of a hate-crazed demon? I swear it is true. I have been to the ceremonies. I have drunk the sacrificial offerings. I have spoken with the nameless devotees of the pony cult, high atop the barns, as the ponies circled below, feasting on the children, my ears ringing with the din of the screams, a din so shudderingly perverse as to shock the conscience of hardcore Satanists.

Pony of Death

Yes. Satanists.

Make no mistake. Ponies are in league with Lucifer. After forty-three years of nightmare and terror, saved only by a desperate conviction to tell the truth, I am here to vouch for that which "sane" men fear to utter. There is reason to believe that the pony was in fact the beast which tempted Eve into eating the forbidden fruit, for do not ponies eat the apple, sweetest of all the harvest? Yes, the HARVEST. And at the Harvest, each May Eve and Walpurgisnacht, the robed, masked figures sit gibbering before their pony idols, chanting the chants and praying the prayers to their obscene gods, the ponies, who are well sated by the blood and flesh of the innocent, the virgins. The virgins, how their screams echo round the hills and valleys, as the ponies come to take their tribute. A tribute whose cost, over the centuries, must be reckoned with that taken by Adolf Hitler himself.

Hitler pony

Yes. Adolf Hitler. None dare call it treason, and yet it is fact, cemented in stone, that the so-called Aryan unbermensch was a devotee, nay, a high priest, of the pony cult. And at the ceremonies, the shouts and cries of the Jewish children, ripped from their mothers' bosoms and fed to the ponies by hand, caused Father Martin Heinmuller, an early convert to Nazism, the public front of the pony cult, to faint on the spot, blood bursting from his ears in an astonishing orgy of woe. This was his testimony at Nuremberg, the testimony that led to the conviction and execution of Baldur Von Schirach, leader of the Hitler Youth and High Epopt of the pony cult.

These things have happened. Man must be prepared to accept notions of the cosmos, and of his own place in the seething vortex of time, whose merest mention is paralyzing. He must, too, be placed on guard against a specific lurking peril within, the pony, Equus Maleficus, which is the gateway to the door of death. Their hand is ever at your throat, though you see it not. "As a foulness shall ye know them." The pony is a spiritual corrupter, a ghost of fire made flesh, come to devour the good and the young. For was it not, as told in the Holy Qur'an, Al Rum, the pony that misled the Prophet Muhammad and deceived him into drinking the very wine of foulness?

Other examples, through religion and history, can be given. As for me, my time is short. The ponies come. I pray that this missive is heeded, though it be too late to save me from the gnawing teeth, the trampling hooves. Be on guard, lest they come for you.

Theodore Weinzel

Public Affairs, National Miniature Donkey Association.

Last 5 posts by Special Guest Contributor

Comments

  1. ULTRAGOTHA says

    The tweet right before this on my timeline was describing cleaning My Little Ponies by decapitating them and tossing them in boiling water and soap. I thought of Ken.

  2. says

    Huh? Somebody finally took Ken up on his widely publicized offer to run a guest post on the pony menace. An the piece is definitely both original and "professionally edited." So where is the one "do follow" link the the body of the post that is the usual compensation for these things? Could it be that the spammers are working for free?

  3. albert says

    @Theodore Weinzel

    I'm on to you.

    *There are 29 Weinzels in the US, 28 in Texas!
    *'Weinzel' means 'zeal for wine'
    *'Theodore' means 'Gods gift'
    .
    A Texan with a zeal for wine, who thinks he's god's gift.
    .
    Poppycock, Balderdash, & Bollocks!

  4. Jim Tyre says

    Mankind?

    MANkind?!?

    Have you no care for the women? What about the children? You must be an insufferable twit.

  5. neal says

    Eat up. Yep, they will stompt the shit of of you, bite, nag, and reverse to finish.
    You know what is nice? When they have electric fences to try to kill you with.
    They can survive that, being evil. I would not be unopen to seeing those bastards as consorting with squirrels, and flies, and the Great Eye, overnightly.

  6. ... says

    NMDA, in its mission to protect the breed and speak on behalf of all donkeys, believes any activity that inflicts unnecessary stress, pain or other cruel or abusive treatment on a donkey is unacceptable. This includes, but is not limited to "donkey roping", "donkey basketball" and donkey baseball. NMDA encourages anyone who is aware of or witnesses this inappropriate exploitation of the animal, to take a stand against these forms of tawdry �entertainment".

  7. albert says

    @rmd
    :)

    Upon sober reflection, I see that there may be lots of wine aficionados in Texas who are also God's gifts, but I would think beer (or whiskey) would be even more popular. And even if you're not from Texas, Texas loves you, anyway.
    ….

  8. albert says

    With the NMDA involved, I believe a call to PADL* is warranted.

    Warning! They've got a PIS (Pony Investigative Squad), and PEU (Pony Enforcement Unit).

    They are tough individuals, and they'll get you to pony up some jack real quick.
    .
    I gotta go…

    *Pony Anti-Defamation League

  9. Dan says

    Patrick, you anonymized the article, but gave the game away by posting the images under your own name!

  10. Donkey priest says

    Baldur von Schirach wasn't executed. Fellow satanists secured a prison sentence for him at Nuremberg, so the evil disease could spread further.

  11. Docrailgun says

    I, for one, welcome our Pony overlords and their Elements of Harmony.
    Hail Celestria!
    Remember, if you displease Her you will be banished to the moon for a thousand years.
    She is light, she is the pleasing feeling of grass under your hooves in the daytime. Fear the night, love the eternal day that is Her gift to everypony.

  12. ysth says

    I still can't figure out if it was or wasn't supposed to be from either admin or a Specialist Author.

    Also, Perlmonks proudly parses HTML with regex. Just saying.

  13. Poultine says

    HandOfGod- sweet baby Jesus, I forgot that rant was about ponies. How terribly apropos.

    Also, I was disappointed by the fact that the "pony abuse" link on the NMDA site was the exact opposite of what I expected.

  14. Harrow says

    "As for me, my time is short. "

    Alas, it was not short enough to prevent a special guest contribution.

  15. Matthew Cline says

    that the so-called Aryan unbermensch was a devotee, nay, a high priest, of the pony cult.

    Don't you mean "neigh, a high priest"?

  16. King Squirrel says

    Ferus Caballus – for pony I guess Caballetto? So little savage cabal. The brazen beasts have placed their plans in their taxonomy!

    I think the question we all want to know is how to combat this eldritch evil. The miniature donkeys are obviously on our side – this column shows that even for those not familiar with the miniature burro elder god Nodens.

    For scholars of the arcane (or just bored artists reading this) is their a symbol to seal the ways and the dark corral doors against this evil?
    Is there an Elder Burrito Sign?

  17. says

    In my experience, those evil ponies will use the low hanging branches of an Apricot tree to scrape you off their backs.

    (Disclosure…Grandparents had a pony for us which resided in the fenced in Apricot orchard and that was his favored means of getting us kids off his back.)

  18. says

    Well, if that doesn't scare off the spam marketers, I don't know what will. Of course, they actually have to READ the blog first, and since I'm fairly certain they don't, it's quite possible this might be lost on them.

  19. Alex says

    Speaking of Perlmonks….

    Pony… Perl…

    * Both are 4 letters long
    * Both start with a "P"
    * Both only exist to drive otherwise sane people to the deepest depths of horror and despair

    Could it be that Perl is the preferred programming language of ponies?

  20. Danny in Canada says

    Dammit, reading that site has made me want to find a miniature donkey, so I can pat and hand-feed it.

  21. I Was Anonymous says

    A little known fact, hidden by the International Pony Conspiracy&tm;

    There was a pony on the grassy knoll in Dallas…

  22. Sledge says

    At last this website returns to its core mission. The only reason I follow it. I take back some of the bad things I have said about Ken. Not Patrick though. That guy is shifty.

  23. Votre says

    So where is Ken? It's been 11 days now. Is it possible he finally couldn't make bail? Or dId those demonic ponies finally catch up with him in some dark alley somewhere? Or did he just say "Screw it!", grab one of those bug-out bags, and split?

    Enquiring minds want to know. And I do too. Because at the end of the day, it really *is* all about me.
    (kidding btw. just kidding)

  24. Pony Defender says

    Did the War on Ponies start when one of the Editors was tormenting a six-year-old daughter who was going through a My Little Ponies crush? Is it too late to get Child Protective Services involved?

  25. William says

    Ponies evil? You don't know the half of it: Equoid
    (warning: nightmare material hiding behind excellent writing)