From: gemma@arialblack
Re: Fresh content for Popehat

Hi Ken

My name is Gemma and I work primarily as a freelance writer, I'm writing to you because I thought you might be interested in a contributed article for popehat.com?

Previous to starting my career as a freelancer I worked for many years in business and finance. When I became a mother, I decided to turn to writing to make a living and now pen articles on as many different topics as I can – from news and current affairs through to pieces on money matters.

I'd love to know if you'd be interested in a piece from me. This would come to you free of charge, and all I'd ask in return is that I'd be allowed to mention a partner as a resource within the text. If you're interested in this I'd love to hear back from you with ideas for topics I could write on. Otherwise I leave you with my best wishes

Kind regards

Dear Gemma:

Thank you for your correspondence?

We at Popehat might well be interested in an article. Specifically we'd be interested in an article about certain security issues. If you think that your background qualifies you to write about security issues — about certain threats to our children, that you and I as parents must consider to do our jobs — I can elaborate.

Of course it's fine to mention your partner. We at Popehat unreservedly support marriage equality and are in favor of normalizing all relationships by mentioning them in writing.


Ken at Popehat

Hi Ken

I would certainly be interested in hearing your ideas and would be more than willing to put something together on what you suggest. Please do let me know what you had in mind

Kind regards

Dear Gemma:

What I have in mind is nothing less than a comprehensive treatment of the greatest menace facing our race: ponies.

By race I mean the human race, of course. I'm not a racialist. Ponies are a threat to all ethnicities. Of course, some ethnicities are better able, because of circumstance, to repel the pony threat. Which ones is a matter of considerable debate. On the one hand white Americans enjoy superior wealth, agreeable climate, and the ability to be elected to our various legislatures without any apparent qualifications whatsoever. Arguably this makes us more equipped to deal with ponies through expensive security systems and various punitive zoning measures. Many whites would deny this truth; this phenomenon is known as Pony Privilege. But on the other hand, white Americans have become flabby, easily distracted, and generally unreliable with the sort of light antitank weapons that are most effective against closely-grouped clusters of ponies. I made my oldest child fire a LAW at a group of burros the other day — you know, for practice — and it knocked him right on his ass. What are they teaching our children in their physical education classes? The ponies aren't here to play dodgeball with us, Gemma.

I may have strayed somewhat from the point.

Yes. Back to your article. Listicles are very popular these days so to clickbait this motherfucker I'd like to see something along the lines of "The Ten Most Horrible Things That The Ponies Will Do To Your Children When That Day Comes. Number Seven Will Make You Soil Yourself And Curl Into A Stinking Ball." Then I'd like a series of ten cautionary tales, calculated to stir the complacent guts of America: Pilates classes disrupted. Facial hoofprints on children just before picture day. Great heaps of the dead making our electric vehicle charging stations almost inaccessible. HBO producers forced against their will to replace Peter Dinklage with a swaggering, abusive Shetland. Mere anarchy loosed upon the world. Blood-dimmed tides irretrievably staining my sustainable bamboo parquet meditation deck. And so on and so forth.

We need visuals that pop, Gemma, so if you and your partner could dress up as ponies, or people being hunted mercilessly by ponies past all hope and reason, that would be ideal.

I eagerly await your draft.

Very truly yours,

Ken at Popehat

Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. Burnside says

    Is it a bad thing that I would watch that version of Game of Thrones?

    Varys: We must all carry the burdens of the crown. What do you think, Tyrion?
    *Tyrion snorts and eats Varys' shirt*
    Varys: As always, your wit abounds, half-man…

  2. nlp says

    I sometimes try to picture the faces of the various people who write you asking you to buy their articles. The first pleased reaction, "he wants to buy my stuff!" down into the insanity of ponies.

    Sooner or later some of these people are going to start reading Popehat, at which point they will realize that they shouldn't have bothered you in the first place.

  3. Dan says

    Well???? What was her response??? Or are we just supposed to wait until this awesome article shows up on the site?

  4. I Was Anonymous says

    Little known facts about ponies:

    1. There was a pony on the grassy knoll in Dallas
    2. A pony quietly left the grounds of Graceland on 16 Aug 1977
    3. The UN is run by ponies
    4. Osama Bin Laden was an avid pony fan

  5. alexa-blue says

    "VII. It is no security to wicked men for one moment, that there are no visible means of death at hand. 'Tis no security to a natural man, that he is now in health, and that he don't see which way he should now immediately go out of the world by any accident, and that there are no visible ponies in any respect in his circumstances. The manifold and continual experience of the world in all ages, shows that this is no evidence that a man is not on the very brink of eternity, and that the next step won't be into a swarm of shrieking miniature equines. The unseen, unthought of ways and means of persons going suddenly out of the world are innumerable and inconceivable. Unconverted men walk over the pit of hell on a rotten covering, and there are innumerable places in this covering so weak that they won't bear the weight of a man chased by a stampede of ponies and these places are not seen. The horseflies of death fly unseen at noonday; the sharpest sight can't discern them. God has so many different unsearchable ways of taking wicked men out of the world and sending them to hell, that there is nothing to make it appear that God had need to be at the expense of a miracle, or go out of the ordinary course of his providence, to destroy any wicked man, at any moment at all, at the bloody muzzle of a crazed pony." – Jonathan Edwards shortly before being chased out of Boston by a harasse of wild heathen ponies.

  6. Thomas says

    I'm just waiting for the day when someone responds back with an actual article about dangerous ponies. I'd like to think you would post it, as per the agreement.

  7. RustyB says

    I'd love to see a Popehat video game where you get to blast a closely-grouped cluster of ponies with a light antitank weapon.

  8. says

    Charles Stross's story Equoid explains some of the horrifying menace of the ponies, and other things. Don't read it if you are prone to nightmares about things man was not meant to know, or the kind of stuff that H. P. Lovecraft couldn't handle. It is both sickening, and terrifying. We have been warned. http://www.tor.com/2013/09/24/equoid/

  9. rick says

    If Ken and the Bloggess ever procreated together I'd fear for the human race (well, moreso than now….)

  10. Six Unnamed Known Haygents says

    Our clients have instructed us to inform you that your post is clearly defamatory, and to demand an immediate apology. In the context in which it appears, the statement that "The ponies aren't here to play dodgeball with us" is a clearly a factual statement which refers to a limited, identifiable group-namely all and only those equines currently enrolled in physical education classes with children of either yourself or Mx Gemma.
    As was made abundantly clear, our clients were present in order to to play dodge ball. That they experienced difficulty in performing at the level of their peers due to physical difficulties in grasping the balls in no way negates their efforts to participate in the class.
    Your threat of assault using a Weapon Of Mass Destruction clearly shows that you are aware that the facts are against you; were it otherwise you would not be arguing the LAW.

  11. Amber says

    @Thomas I'm waiting for the day somebody sends him an email, asking if they are interested in purchasing an article of the great threat that My Little Pony poses to the human race.

  12. King Squirrel says

    I am the hostler, I am the bit between their teeth.

    I am the Whip in Your hand.

    Though we are lost, I am the maker of glues.

    I am the imprisoning corral. I am the hostler.

    I am the whip. I am the knacker.

    I am a soldier at the battle at the end of time.

    (with apologies to any Grey Knights reading this)

  13. Langalf says

    These pony posts are a hoot, but I really have to ask, was Ken traumatized by ponies as a child? Did one step on him, or eat his straw hat, or shite on his feet? An inquiring mind wants to know.

  14. Edward J. Cunningham says

    If you do a Google search for Dr. Whooves, you'll know that not only do we have to worry about ponies, but also time-travelling ponies with Scottish accents.

  15. TimL says

    Thank you for touching on one of *my* pet peeves… the ambiguity inherent to the use of the word "partner" as a personal versus professional relationship.