The Man We Need: Kickass J. Biteme, Presidential Candidate

I'd like you to meet Kickass J. Biteme, candidate for President of these United States.

Mr. Biteme — or Kick, as he prefers to be called — says what he thinks. And what he usually thinks is that American politics is petty, venal bullshit.

Kickass tells it like it is. He calls out the media for a pack of smug, entitled scribblers every day. He knows how we can deal with America's enemies: blow them right the fuck up, instanter. He kicks over the trough of slops from which Congress feeds and mocks their pretensions. He knows how to cure ever social ill, how to meet every challenge: do something fast and muscular, and stop talking. He has no truck with carefully crafted campaign statements.

"But why do I need Kickass Biteme?" you might ask. "Trump's my man."

Well, sure. Trump's got a decent shot at winning your id's vote. Trump's sure of himself. Trump's loud. But Trump's a real person, and therein lies his flaw. The realities of his past disrupt the sweet song of our viscera. Kickass Biteme's got no baggage. When Kick rants about government for sale, we won't be troubled by reminders that he's been a frequent buyer. When Kick vents against the target of the day, we won't have to remember that he was sucking up to them a moon's turn ago when it suited his purposes. When Kick blasts manufacturers for sending jobs overseas, nobody's going to be handing around polos with his vulgar insignia made by Laotian eight-year-olds. When Kick cuts a sneering interviewer off at the knees, we can be confident that it's robust American moral vigor, not just the latest thread in a tired pattern of childish petulance. Kick is pure. Kick isn't a poseur.

Since the ballot doesn't (yet) have a box for "none of the above," Kick is the word and the way — Kick is the guy we back to say "not a single one of you lying narcissistic motherfuckers deserves anything more than a boot in the ass." Kick is the way we ask "why should we pretend be happy that it's time to choose between the clap and a crowbar to the nuts again?" Kick's how we express our outrage at the naked emperor, at the sordid, venal pantomime of American politics — without the cognitive dissonance of endorsing someone who is, themselves, clearly full of shit, someone who is just clever and cynical enough to see our disgust as a distinct voting bloc.

Vote Kick in 2016. Accept no imitations.

Last 5 posts by Ken White


  1. CheshireLion says

    My mentor once told me "Voting for the lesser of two evils still leaves you with evil."

  2. Tom says

    I sincerely hope the campaign poster for KJB is just a stick of bubblegum with the "no" slash across it.

  3. I Was Anonymous says


    My mentor once told me "Voting for the lesser of two evils still leaves you with evil."

    That's why I'm voting for Cthulhu. Why bother voting for the lesser evil?

  4. Trent says

    That's why I'm voting for Cthulhu. Why bother voting for the lesser evil?

    I actually wrote Cthulhu in during the last congressional election.

  5. En Passant says

    Kickass J. Biteme, or Mr. Torgue?

    George Leroy Tirebiter, until free hands on both sides of the big ditch can press the same button at the same time.

  6. NickM says

    Cthulhu eats politicians for lunch, and breakfast, and dinner, and snacks, and dessert.

  7. Richard says

    Cthulhu eats politicians for lunch, and breakfast, and dinner, and snacks, and dessert.

    So where does the "evil" part come in?

  8. ZarroTsu says

    So where does the "evil" part come in?

    Your head may or may not literally explode when looking at him directly.

  9. rb says

    And to think, I was going to vote for Ken.

    BTW, Trumps slogan should be

    Trump, not the president America needs, the president America deserves.

  10. Sami says

    Hey, at least Mr Torgue has a solid background of respect for women.

    I have zero respect for people who don't vote at all, but writing in Cthulhu is an *excellent* way to express your dissatisfaction. Not voting says nothing to the politicians except, "I didn't bother, and you can ignore everything I think without consequence." Writing in Cthulhu says, "I care enough to make the effort to turn up, and also, fuck you."

  11. Trent says

    Honestly if Cthulhu took 10% of an election there would probably start to be some news about voter dissatisfaction with the current primary process generating candidates no one likes. There is a lot to be said on the subject of a electoral system designed around electing individuals that's currently dominated by a system that wants to elect parties and the problems that creates. Writing in Cthulhu says that in a very compact voter friendly way.

  12. Scott says

    SMOD has been my default candidate for most offices for a long time. What position does Mr Biteme hold that is superior in any way?

  13. says

    what a fun and accurate article. We need kickass J. Wherever he or she is found. Any 'rebel' or rep who has 'gone of the reservation' is kick…..cotton is the new kick. Calling them out about treaties. If we write In 'kick' can we then vote on who he (or she) is?

  14. says

    Well-played, sir, but I am afraid subtlety (and humor, usually) is lost on the sort of people who would support Trump (or previous candidates like him).

  15. ... says

    I must be the only one that votes for Jeff Spicoli. "All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

  16. phroggie says

    Kickass J Biteme, and his close but unrelated neighbor, Kickass N Blowme, are just too conservative for my tastes. Cthultu and SWLIPDS are way too liberal. Besides, this country deserves a real leader, someone that's not afraid to get his hands dirty instead of eviscerating solely those whom gaze upon that majestic face.

    This coming year, I'm voting for the president not that we need, but the one that we deserve: Hypnotoad 2016.

  17. Robert What? says

    OK, so Trump is a self aggrandizing blowhard. And which candidate isn't? And is there any reason to think that Trump is less interested in the fate of the American Middle class than most of the others? Meanwhile, the establishment Republicans want to give us the same old same old. I say, let's give the carnival barker a shot. I can't imagine it being worse than it is now.

  18. Tern says

    And here I was getting excited for Kick Buttowski, President of the Awesome States of America. Bummer.

  19. Paul says

    I'm having trouble deciding given the other suggestions in the comments. Perhaps there could be a special debate between Trump, Biteme, and Cthulhu? The best candidate at dealing with the realization of their utter cosmic insignificance in the face of a dark and uncaring universe utterly beyond human understanding or perception might have my vote.

  20. AlphaCentauri says

    So what are the mechanisms for identifying the recipient of a write-in vote? If someone changes his name to Kickass J. Biteme if the Biteme campaign gains steam, could he claim those votes?