Plus There's The Issue of Cultural Genocide of Ponies

Hello,

My name is Jason Parks, and I write for Adoption By Gentle Care, an adoption agency in Columbus, Ohio. I reached out to Popehat recently, but I haven't heard back, so I wanted to follow up with you.

I’m writing because I wanted to talk to you about contributing to your site. I’m sure you’re aware that your readers really like it when you talk about adoption. I’m pretty sure your readers will appreciate what I have to say, and my audience will flock to your site as well.

If that doesn’t work for you, no worries. I’m also working on other articles related to adoption and the adoption process.

Do any/all of those sound appealing to you? Let me know what you think works best, and then we can hammer out the other details. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,

Jason Parks
MajestyDiamonds.com [emphasis added]

Dear Jason,

Thank you very much for your inquiry. We at Popehat are, indeed, interested in adoption issues, and recently our interests have become more, shall we say, focused.

Would we be able to request an article on a specific facet of adoption — a horse of a different color than the standard article, shall we say? Our needs are specific.

Very truly yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Ken,

That would be fine with us. What type of article would you be looking for?

Jason
AdoptionByGentleCare.com [emphasis added]

Dear Jason,

I am thrilled to hear it!

We at Popehat would like to see an article with muscular advocacy for a federal law banning adoption of ponies.

Americans think they have legitimate reasons to adopt ponies, Jason. Allow me to enumerate them: home defense; elimination of skunks, badgers, raccoon, gerbils, and other small pests; establishing swift dominance of local holiday parades; deterring neighborhood children from sneaking into the back yard and fondling Greek statuary suggestively; companionship for disfavored relatives; and tax purposes.

This is foolishness. Ponies sow turmoil and confusion, Jason. They are sent forth to take peace from the earth so that we should kill one another, and failing that, so that the ponies will kill us, possibly but not necessarily using our own high-end kitchen appliances. Americans who invite ponies into their homes will see their children's blood rain upon their Berber den carpets and cast-aside issues of New Yorker, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs when she is shaken by a mighty wind or a strong fat kid.

I am normally a libertarian, Jason, and believe in market solutions to national problems. But here the market has failed. I'm not just talking about the local market on the corner near the gas station that refuses to carry Diet Rite and has frankly totalitarian viewpoints regarding pants. I'm talking about the national market, the great unconscious 99-Cent-Store of the American soul, Jason. That market has not defied ponies. That market has put ponies on special, and has displayed them prominently on the checkout rack next to the gum of our besieged humanity and our weighty consciences in the form of magazine stories about Brad Pitt killing a Girl Scout with his bare hands.

Ponies make us forget, Jason. They make us forget our children. They make us forget our responsibilities. They make us forget our national honor. They make us forget whether our scam is using a diamond store or an adoption agency as a front. They make us forget ourselves.

Will you help us remember, Jason? Will you pen the savage, inexorable cry for the heart of America? Will you stand against the Pony Menace before they take away everything we have?

I remain very truly yours,

Ken

Last 5 posts by Ken White

Comments

  1. somebodys_kid says

    "Would we be able to request an article on a specific facet of adoption — a horse of a different color than the standard article, shall we say? "

    You sly devil, you.

  2. JeffDG says

    One of these days, I'm going to send a request to do a guest post, and when I get the pony response, I'm damned well going to write your pony article.

  3. Quantum Mechanic says

    People keep threatening that, JeffDG, but no one actually ever seems to have the moxie to do it.

  4. Jon Marcus says

    "great unconscious 99-Cent-Store of the American soul"

    I would like to frame this phrase and build a shrine to it in my basement.

  5. Ronald Pottol says

    I take it you will not be voting for Vermin Supreme to be our next president?

    I like most of what he says, but the pony stuff, well, makes Trump look reasonable.

  6. Vorkon says

    I'm not just talking about the local market on the corner near the gas station that refuses to carry Diet Rite and has frankly totalitarian viewpoints regarding pants.

    This type of language conflates the policies of the corner store with those of actual totalitarian dictators, and only serves to normalize the use of the rhetoric of violence to silence free speech and dissent, exactly the way the ponies want it.

    Frankly, I'm disappointed in you.

  7. Thess says

    Someday, an incoming search noting the exceptionally high page rankings of a combination of law, ponies, and porn is going to lead to a solicitation to write a legal essay about Brony slash fiction.

    I bet Ken lets that one through, even though he knows in his heart it is most likely another Popehat co-author writing under a pseudonym.

  8. Chris says

    "when ponies are outlawed, only outlaws will have ponies"

    Since there is no legitimate reason to want a pony, this is acceptable. It would in fact lead to a much better society. We can put an end to racial profiling by the simple expedient of arresting those who have ponies. Once we replace DWB arrests with BNAP (Being Near A Pony) crime will plummet.

  9. mcinsand says

    >>"when ponies are outlawed, only outlaws will have ponies"

    >>Since there is no legitimate reason to want a pony, this is acceptable.

    Chris, you make some well thought-out points that I'm afraid I didn't even come close to approaching. My thought was just the shock of how much scarier outlaws would have been in western movies if they had been on ponies instead of horses (ponies are simply the scary version of normally-friendly horses, right?).

  10. Eva says

    Mr. Ed was a horse of course but he probably would of been kinda conflicted about this here pony post.

  11. Argentina Orange says

    I researched how much it would cost to have a pony shipped to Ken's office. The price was surprisingly reasonable.

    I also researched the liability I would be exposing myself to.

  12. peej says

    "If ponies are outlawed, only outlaws will have ponies." Your heart is in the right place, but, well… wrong-o. No one can, in a basic ontological sense, 'have' ponies. Ponies have themselves. This key concept is essential to understanding Ken's heroic struggle against them. If we cannot grasp the fact of their terrible autonomy, the ponies have already won.

  13. libarbarian says

    *Claps*

    Another Masterpiece Ken!

    I would appreciate if you penned an article about the importance of Ethics in Pony Journalism.

  14. Jackson says

    My only consistent disappointment with these threads is that, despite the absolutely brilliant writing by Ken (and it is brilliant), nobody ponies up a post.

    … I'll go now.

  15. Elvis says

    What's up with the remark about a horse of a different color? Ponies are just small breeds of horses, but I can't think of any that have markedly different coloration than a normal horse. I feel like I'm missing something here.

  16. mcinsand says

    Boblipton,

    I don't whether to thank or curse you. I didn't know about the movie, much to my shame, and I think that I will have to watch it. However, the thought of all of those ponies will give nightmares.

  17. Encinal says

    I'm not sure I understand the significance of the URLs. Are they spamming emails regarding a bunch of different subjects from one domain, and then when they get a response, switching to a domain specific to the email that got a response? Is there any data on whether these spammers pass the Turing test?

  18. Conor says

    Thank you Ken and commentators, a fairly terrible Thursday at fairly terrible work has been rescued with tears of laughter.

  19. OrderoftheQuaff says

    There is one kind of classic statuary that was intended to be fondled. Consider Priapus, the god of male potency. He is typically depicted as a gnomelike figure with an outsized…organ, and it was believed that if you rub his organ briefly when you pass by, the god's powers would be transferred to you. Why don't you try it and get back to us with the results?