OFFICIAL CITY OF PARMA POLICE DEPARTMENT PRESS RELEASE

PROTECTANDSERVEANDSHUTYOURMOUTH

FROM: City of Parma Police Department Public Information Officer, Detective Lieutenant Kevin Riley
TO: Citizens of the City of Parma, "Media"
REGARDING: Correction of False Statements Disseminated Through Harassment and Terrorism

As our Vision Statement explains, the City of Parma Police Department is committed to providing the citizens of Parma with lawful environment where all persons can perform their daily routine at any time free from the fear of any type of harassment, injury, or victimization from the criminal activities of any person or entity. Police officers are citizens of Parma too. They, too, have a right to be free of any sort of harassment or victimization or injury, physical or emotional. That is why this Department has taken lawful actions in the course and scope of its law enforcement power to uphold laws prohibiting disruption of public services.  Despite inaccurate and irresponsible media coverage, the Department's initiation of criminal charges against the perpetrator of a destructive and misleading "satire" were appropriate and in the best traditions of American law enforcement practices. The media should leave legal issues, like criminal exceptions to the First Amendment, to the law enforcement experts.

Swift and effective action has ended this particular campaign of lawbreaking. Regrettably, it is now necessary that the Department correct harmful and derogatory misinformation spread by online criminals:

  • Police Chief Robert Miller is popularly known in the Department as "Sir" or "Chief" or "the Boss," not as "Bossy Bottom Bob."  Please accord the Chief the respect to which he is entitled as the leader of a modern professional force.
  • Although the Department is recruiting and does have a firm nondiscrimination policy we are not specifically seeking "every functional illiterate in Cuyahoga County."  Potential recruits who respond before May 1st will be accorded application priority, not "three free tazings."
  • Our tip line does not pay any sort of bounty for any body parts of "messicans" or any other persons.
  • The Detective Bureau Commander's Motto For the Month in February 2016 was "integrity and service," not "RaHoWa Motherfuckers."
  • We do not wear chaps while on duty.  The Department has no information or policy regarding clothing worn off duty, except for misuse of official uniforms.
  • Motorcycle officers will not give you a coupon if you slap their helmets in traffic.  Officers should not be touched in traffic at all.
  • I do not have a sealed juvenile record.  I do not have any juvenile record.  I am a law-abiding person.  I have not killed anyone, and specifically have not killed "an indeterminate number of hobos."
  • Our union representatives help protect our rights and interests in any Departmental investigations and are not actually empowered to execute witnesses.
  • "Lick it or ticket" is not a genuine or authorized City of Parma Police Department public information campaign.

These misrepresentations have caused confusion and disruption in the Department and the City.  Certain agitators assert that the unlawful "parodies" of the Department were clearly jokes and not meant to be taken seriously.  However, there have been several regrettable incidents in which Department officers and staff have acted upon these "parodies," leading to consumption of officer time, waste of taxpayer money, and potential litigation.  To avoid criminal prosecution, any future "parodies" must be labeled prominently and expressed in language reasonably calculated to be understood easily by a City of Parma Police Department officer.  You should feel free to send me a draft to determine if I can understand it.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

Comments

  1. Richard says

    UPDATE:
    Parma, OH has just issued an arrest warrant for Barbra Streisand, as several online sources have made reference to the "Streisand Effect" causing these falsehoods to spread faster after the initial perpetrator's arrest.

    Ms. Streisand could not be reached for comment.

  2. Juvenile Bluster says

    This is very important information, and I thank you for disseminating it on behalf of the Parma Police Department.

    Now if you'll excuse me, all this commotion interrupted my nap, and I'd like to get some more rest before going back on duty.

  3. Bailers77 says

    We need to take up a donation to buy them a bulk bottom cream. Clearly they have a large rash that is causing them discomfort.

  4. kenm says

    I don't know if I could write a parody only using words of no more than three letters…

  5. AH says

    I can't tell, is this an actual post from the Parma PD, or more satire?

    Damn, it did have me laughing though.

  6. Trent says

    Wow, gotta give them credit for guts on this one. Any case is going to be thrown out on free speech grounds. Hope the kid sues their pants off for violating his rights.

  7. FTP says

    Wow, no judge in the country would entertain a case like this. You pigs just cost the citizens of Parma a lot of money, and made this comic rich.

  8. Daniel Neely says

    Damn, it did have me laughing though.

    Sometimes laughter is the only thing that can hold the tears at bay.

  9. Fasolt says

    What's the difference between a functional illiterate and a non-functioning illiterate?

  10. Fasolt says

    From the article Ken linked to above:

    The page featured a number of fake news items, made up crimes and other jokes that took a swipe at the department. One post was a phony explanation for how the department goes about selecting its new recruits:

    "The test will consist of a 15 question multiple choice definition test followed by a hearing test. Should you pass you will be accepted as an officer of the Parma Police Department."

    Hmm. I was told there would be no definitions. Guess I'm going to blow it. And after all that studying I did for the drug test.

  11. Florent says

    the material […] crossed the line from satire to an actual risk to public safety

    Just, HOW ? How is this a risk to the safety of the public ? Did someone die laughing ?

  12. M. Alan Thomas II says

    "You should feel free to send me a draft to determine if I can understand it."
    . . . and if I can't understand it, you can tell it to the judge.

  13. Royce says

    I am confused here. The Parma Police admit on this page that what this gentleman did was satire. Satire being clearly covered under the first amendment. It sounds to me like they have just admitted that they purposefully and intentionally violated his civil rights under the color of law.

  14. albert says

    AFAIK, the only thing Parma is known for is the lyrics to the first theme song of Drew Careys sitcom:

    Moon Over Parma (Robert McGuire)

    Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight,
    Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silv'ry light,
    We're going bowlin',
    So don't loose her in Solon,
    Moon over Parma, tonight!

    Sorry I couldn't find a recording, but this tune is just begging for new lyrics.

    Does y'all cetch ma' drift?

    . .. . .. — ….

  15. Guy who looks things up says

    @Trent, @FTP

    Evidently you have never heard of Judge Robert T. Rubberstamp.

    So many of these local yokels are:
    a) cozy with the cops
    2) cozy with the prosecutors
    iii) ignorant of and/or unconcerned about fiddly shit like the Constitution of the USA
    D) all of the above

  16. MelK says

    > What's the difference between a functional illiterate and a non-functioning illiterate?

    The functional illiterate uses Hope or Rex, or perhaps Haskell.

    The non-functional illiterate uses Go or BASIC.

  17. Tradegeek says

    I'm glad somebody is finally taking a stand against slanderous "satire". Now if only Trump would file charges against that defamatory A Hole who has run that "satirical" Twitter account @realdonaldtrump. It's ruening his reputation.

  18. Phil says

    Fantastic writing, Ken. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Which is better than the reason the Parma PD will hopefully soon be crying.

  19. Mich says

    I live in Parma Heights (whose police department was wise enough to deny Timothy Loehmann employment), not to be confused entirely with Parma, which, considering my run-ins with their police force, seems to be made up entirely of the humor impaired.

  20. Aaron says

    @MelK
    ROFLMA

    Although I decry your characterization of Go as non-functional illiterate. You are an ignoramus and should be harassed because you are causing me to feel butt hurt and in need of a hug from my mommy. Go is a real language. You should have something like Javascript there instead.

  21. Fasolt says

    "Lick it or ticket" is not a genuine or authorized City of Parma Police Department public information campaign.

    That is actually the Lick It and Ticket" program. You can find more information in the Vice Squad section of the PARMA PD website.

  22. fasolt says

    Lt. Riley sayeth:

    "In this particular case, we believe the material that Novak posted on the fake account crossed the line from satire to an actual risk to public safety," he said. "We presented the facts of this case and the investigation to our law department and they agreed that Novak's actions were criminal in nature."

    Didn't Lt. Riley realize that the Law Department was being satirical with that statement?

  23. bw1 says

    The best part of this is that Parma has spent the last few decades desperately trying to live down being a regional joke. Multiple generations of local late night movie hosts (starting with Ghoulardi in the 60's) made fun of the blue collar suburb as the domain of "certain ethnic" people who were lacking in any class to accompany their financial success. White socks and pink flamingo lawn ornaments were considered symbols of the city. It's also been the target of more than its share of federal civil rights actions for housing and policing practices aimed at keeping minorities from venturing across its lengthy border with the city of Cleveland. It also comprises a significant portion of Dennis Kucinich's political base.

    It couldn't happen to a nicer city.

  24. BDub says

    "To avoid criminal prosecution, any future "parodies" must be labeled prominently and expressed in language reasonably calculated to be understood easily by a City of Parma Police Department officer. "

    I can't tell if that's a high bar being set or a very low one. hehe.