Ask Stalin

We're proud to welcome Josef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, better known to the world as Comrade Stalin, or Koba to old friends, to the crew here at Popehat. Each week, Comrade Stalin will answer your questions on dating, relationships, etiquette, and workplace issues. If you have a problem you just can't solve, why not turn for advice to the 20th century's master politician, Josef Stalin? Email your questions to askjvs@gmail.com

This week's question comes from Ronald, in Bloomfield, New Mexico:

Josef Vissarionovich!

Recently I met a woman through a friend, call her Alicia, and have been spending a lot of time with her. Alicia and I get along very well. We have a lot in common, and share a similar sense of humor. We see each other at least two nights a week, and talk on the phone or by text daily. I'm very attracted to Alicia, but she's made it clear that she sees me as "just a friend," and doesn't want to take things further. This is probably because I'm shy and not the best looking guy in the world. I read in "The Art of the Pick-Up" by …

Comrade Stalin

Comrade Stalin

Ronald from Bloomfield, New Mexico:

Stop right there. What is this business of calling me by my name and patronymic, Josef Vissarionovich, as though we're jolly chums from school days at the Tiflis seminary? What sort of creature are you? You may address me as "Comrade Stalin." I'll let you know when you've earned the privilege of intimacy.

As for your reading material, you can throw that garbage into the incinerator. Books can be useful, there is no doubt about that. But books on the art of love between a man and a woman are written primarily by half-wits and good-for-nothings, to separate you from your hard-earned kopecks. And you're going to need every kopeck if you're to woo this beautiful lady Alicia.

As for her, it seems you have the battle half won. Lady Alicia thinks kindly of you, and sees in you a kindred soul. Clearly she is not an Enemy. Now you wish to pursue her as matrimonial material, I am to take it? You are not seeking merely to vent your lusts upon her, like a criminal scoundrel? I cannot abide that kind of thinking. A man needs a woman, for keeping of an orderly home, raising of healthy children, and the other sort of thing. But if you are thinking of simply using this lady Alicia, then throwing her away as just another conquest, you'll get no help from me.

The key thing in wooing a woman is sincerity concerning your intentions. You must show this lady Alicia, through your words and actions, that you view her as your future wife, and that nothing less will satisfy you. You must call her three times a day. You must bombard her with candies and chocolates, and wine, and gifts. Nothing too expensive, of course, because that will create unrealistic expectations when you are married. Nonetheless, give her a brooch. Send flowers to her once each day, alternately at her home and at work. Raise a toast in her honor at every social gathering.

You must break her will, utterly and completely. You must grind her into powder.

Then lady Alicia will love you, and you will be married. I hope that you will name your first son Vissarion, in my honor.

Yours in sincerity,

JVS.

Last 5 posts by Patrick Non-White

Comments

  1. Josef Stalin says

    What is this, Comrade Harding? Are you an enemy? You have the look of an enemy, Comrade Harding. And your words confirm it.

    Let us show Comrade Harding that we know how to deal with enemies!

  2. Tyson says

    Comrade Stalin,

    May I humbly request that you reimburse me for the cost of 1 (one) computer keyboard to replace my current keyboard? My current keyboard is now drenched in Mtn. Dew after reading your reply to Ronald from Bloomfield.

    Best Regards

    Tyson from the Internet

  3. Agammamon says

    Comrade Tyson,

    I am afraid your petition for reimbursement for 'damage to keyboard' has been denied. Furthermore, you are to be billed for replacement cost of keyboard and fined 5 Kopeks.

    Comrade, this property of state has been entrusted to your possession for betterment of The People. We are very disappointed with the lackadaisical attitude with which you approach your duties.

    Though no further action is to be taken at this time and the current matter is considered by Bureau to be closed, a note has been appended to your permanent record.

    Yours Respectfully,

    Agammamon

    Assistant to the Managing Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for the Department of Computer Affairs (Personal), Office of Computer Component Issues (Personal, Under 250 Kopeks)

  4. J Corbyn says

    Tovarishchi Stalin,

    Talking of enemies of the revolution, I have a bunch of MP's in my Labour Party that are social deviants and traitors to the cause. Have you perhaps some sound advice about how to put them in their place.

    Krasnyy Front,

    Comrade Corbyn

  5. Doctor X says

    Dear Comrade Corbyn:

    Use The Comrade Stalin Way of course.

    Invite the bourgeois counter-revolutionaries funded by Roosevelt and Churchill on a boat.

    Sink the boat.

    Yours together in the Struggle,

    –Comrade J.D.

  6. Gorshkov says

    Having served in intelligence, trained as a Russian linguist, and graduated with an Honours degree in Soviet & East European Studies back in the good old days of the Cold War …….. thank you for giving me a giggle and a reason for being thankful for all that study for the 1st time in 25 years :)

  7. Dan says

    Thanks for putting a pop-culture reference at the end for those of us who find Cold War humor a bit dry.

  8. Doctor X says

    I am not seeing enough praise for Comrade Stalin for his most insightful, enriching, and intelligent comments! Indeed! Comrade Lysenko reported an increased growth of wheat put in front of Comrade Stalin's wisdom! Yet, my comrades, when faced with your commentary the wheat began to drop, to bear less fruit, and started spouting anti-revolutionary Trotskyte propaganda!

    For the good of the Soviet Union! For the people! For their bread! Join me in praise of Comrade Stalin!

    –Comrade J.D.

    [Written on scraps of bark, found in a latrine in Gulag 37, Siberia]

  9. arity says

    Unfortunately no amount of proletarian solidarity can undo the damage of reactionaries like Mendel and their "genetics". The wheat can never become grain on its own now.

  10. says

    Comrade Stalin,

    Could you offer any advice for choosing a nice Siberian girlfriend? I want to meet a fit woman (but not too fit if you know what I mean) who loves long walks on the frozen tundra and who will support my political ambitions to bring glory to the motherland. Must love huskies.

    Thanks in advance.

  11. Krychek_2 says

    Why not have Leon Trotsky write the advice column? Then it could be called Axe Mr. Trotsky.

  12. Michael Cox says

    Comrade Stalin,
    Please to help me with your sage advice. I have neighbor who says he is good fraternal socialist. I teach him, lend him my tools, give him my best help to stand up to imperialists from west side of town. Suddenly, he starves eighty million peasants and starts market economy with west side imperialists! Now my other fraternal socialist neighbors have joined exploiter network, and my own zaychek children are listening to rock-n-roll, and chasing Pokemon. Only my crazy neighbor on east property is still on my side, but mostly he uses his fireworks to scare others, and generally act very nekulturney. What can a good central planner do?
    Yours in brotherhood and struggle,
    Mikhail Millardovich

  13. Agammamon says

    Comrade Krychek_2, as you well know – there is not and never has been anyone with the name Leon Trotsky holding a position of trust within the Party.

    If you persist in these delusions I will have no choice but to report your behavior to the block warden.

  14. Bill H says

    Why not have Leon Trotsky write the advice column? Then it could be called Axe Mr. Trotsky.

    You're being awfully………picky.

  15. Jonathon Kahn says

    He's not entirely wrong, persistence if executed correctly can be just the thing.

  16. Quartermaster says

    I come on this thread to read the wisdom of Comrade Stalin, and all I get is one response from the good Comrade, and the rest are pretenders, I want my money back!