POPEHAT 2016 POST-ELECTION GUIDE

If you voted for Hill-dog

Biscuits and Gravy: Why the fuck did you drink so god damn much last night? Oh right. When I get totally hammered, I need some god damn grease. Something stuffed with fat and salt to really sop up the toxic cauldron of regret fumes that's stewing in the guts. And nothing is better after eating 5,000 calories of butter and pork fat than taking a glorious nap afterward. Sweet sweet Gravy Nap. Biscuits and Gravy don't give a shit about your feelings of bitterness and regret. No one knows anything, except the comforting certain deliciousness of butter and pork fat. That will have to do, don't be an asshole.

If you voted for The Donald

Huevos Rancheros: Why the fuck did you drink so god damn much last night? Oh right. Stay with me now. This is all about the beans. Beans are my secret weapon whenever I drink way too much. It provides comfort when you're in pain, but it also doesn't knock you out like the other greasy stuff can. It also saves space in case someone gets overambitious and orders a big thing of bacon. And as a bonus, sometimes those beans can make you rip epic farts, and farts are always funny. I refer to HR as my victory meal. But it's not a license to be an asshole, so don't be an asshole.

If you played Battlefield 1

SO GOOD, RIGHT? It's intense in a way that feels more realistic than any other shooter out there. Call of Duty, Titanfall, Destiny, Halo… all the major shooters have that same feeling, like you're some super-heroic shooty-man. But with Battlefield 1, I feel like I'm just a dude with a gun, just trying to survive. The battles hold no glory, and the only reward after victory is to move on to the next fight. All you have is your squad, maybe that medic you keeps you up so you can toss the final anti-tank grenade. Or that scout, who stays way back but spots everyone for you like he fucking should because that's the whole point of the class. And hopefully get enough War Bonds to buy that sweet-ass SMG.

Oh and Joe Arpaio lost, that piece of shit.

Last 5 posts by Derrick

Comments

  1. Richard Smart says

    The Canadian immigration website has crashed.
    Gee, I love a train wreck. Hasn't been so popcorn-worthy since 1981.

  2. says

    Female candidate: "Hill-dog"
    Male candidate: "The Donald"

    Misogyny? what's that?

    Serves me right for reading anything not written by Ken.

  3. Argentina Orange says

    Will this herald a return of Popehatters to team "Burn it to the Fucking Ground?"

    One can only hope.

  4. Cactus says

    Hurray for America's cultural tradition of face-planting itself into the ground to spite its nose. The sad kicker is that he really didn't need to be an asshole, this victory comes entirely down to people wanting a president who listens to them rather than someone who mocks just about everyone. Instead it's the poor and minorities who are most worried while the establishment Dems coast knowing they'll get at least four years worth of ammunition for next time.

    Imagine how happy we'd all be if Donald had just shut the fuck up and been whoever wrote that acceptance speech.

    On the plus side at least Hillary will finally give it up, when you lose an election to both a black guy and a white supremacist it's pretty clear you're not popular.

    EDIT – The popular results at the time I'm writing this stand as
    Trump – 59,085,787 votes
    Clinton – 59,236,903 votes
    So I'm guessing we won't get much in the way of electoral reform.

  5. delurking says

    "Female candidate: "Hill-dog"
    Male candidate: "The Donald"

    Misogyny? what's that?"

    This is part of why Trump won. To wit:
    Brendog – a man (professional mountain biker)
    Phife-Dawg – a man (musician)
    N-dog – a man (academic sociolinguist)
    Tim Dog – a man (musician)
    Mad Dog – a man (sportscaster)

    People are tired of being called racists or misogynists for not keeping up on which lingo is acceptable today. They have jobs to go to and families to feed and don't have time for this crap.

  6. says

    @azteclady

    it's a South Park reference, in the episode The Snuke, 4th episode of the 11th season.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Snuke

    In this episode, Clinton is constantly referred to as"Hill-dog" by everyone, to humorous effect. In this case the term "dog" is clearly not meant in the animal sense but in the slang term of a person. In the same way Phife Dawg (RIP) and Nate Dogg's names are not meant to literally refer to them as dogs. This slang term usually has a positive connotation. It is also a loving nickname that I've heard used in my interactions with Clinton voters, of which I unfortunately am one.

    So calm the fuck down.

  7. Guy who looks things up says

    @delurking

    I've seen this video of a man leaning into a car window shouting the n-word at the driver. Is it OK to call him a racist? Or is that not politically correct now?

  8. delurking says

    @Guy who looks things up says

    Some people are racists. Congratulations, you found a video of one on the internet. That context of your post implies that you support the accusation Derrick is a misogynist based on his use of "Hill-dog". As Derrick said, calm the fuck down. People, including me, are tired of this crap.

  9. Brian says

    >"Female candidate: "Hill-dog"

    Oh, I interpreted that as a code word for Bitch.

    Disclaimer: 3rd-Party voter. I hated both with a passion.

  10. Daniel Weber says

    So calm the fuck down

    Wait. I just spent the last 20 months scolding people for having wrong opinions. Now that it's blown up in my face, you think I should reassess my methods? Psssh!

  11. says

    @Brian – you interpreted wrongly.

    I go by the handle Peacedog in many places (but not all; it's a popular nick name though I am the only one who has earned the right to use it via triumph in Mortal Kombat). It doesn't mean. "Peace bitch" or "Peace is a bitch". It's just "Peacedog". Peace is a dirty word, she used to be a painted bird. . .

    Seriously folks, have you never heard anyone refer to anyone else as "dog/dawg/dogg" in popular culture as a variant of "hey bro/dude/friend"?

    Also, I am the only true *dog but that's also a topic for another time. Snoop knows this, in his secret heart. However, he is one of the few who can use the moniker-suffix without feeling my wrath, for which he is grateful.

  12. Tim says

    I'm wondering if this might concern Ken due to his unyielding fight to protect the First Amendment. If I remember correctly, Trump would like to peel that particular piece of the constitution back and not make it as robust, which could cause him to nominate a Supreme Court justice that would feel the same.

    I think the First Amendment is one of the most important freedoms that we have, so I know I'm a bit concerned.

  13. Curmudgeonly Ex-Clerk says

    As someone who did not vote for Clinton or Trump, but who is generally conservative, if I could impart one bit of sincere advice to liberals (and everyone else too), it would be: Stop doing what Aztec Lady did in this thread. The reflexive attribution of bad faith or malice to anyone who is not saying what you want to hear expressed exactly as you wish it to be said is very counterproductive. Liberals are sometimes right (and sometimes not) about the various -isms and -phobias they regularly complain about. But beginning every conversation on these topics with "Look, racist/sexist/homophobe . . ." persuades no one who is not already persuaded. If simple charity and goodwill are not sufficient reasons to abandon this habit, then consider self interest. Persuasion might allow you to do better the next election.

  14. Argentina Orange says

    @Grandy – no, in this case, I think I was correct. But you're free to have your own opinion.

    The Death of the Author is strong with this one.

  15. Kyle says

    I'm having a lot more fun with Titanfall 2 than Battlefield 1, actually. BF1 I die a lot for stupid reasons (plus it randomly crashes). It's no surprise really, my favorite MP FPS was Modern Warfare 2. The Titanfall 2 leveling/unlock system is miles better than BF1's, though.

  16. says

    @Brian – I as it just so happens I have a great many opinions. Owing in no small part to being something of a man of wealth and taste but also a true renaissance man, a man of the people, and a man who has traveled many places and seen many things. Things the world has all but forgotten about. Things the world was meant to forget about.

    My opinions might, therefor, hold considerable more weight than the opinions of any other normal person. My opinions might not hold more weight. In is ultimately in the testing that these things are determined.

    On the other hand, you might consider that if we were to subject your "opinions" and the double down to those same tests, they're going to come out smelling like shit but being worth less.

    Good day sir.

  17. dee nile says

    OMG, did someone upthread actually imply he was worried about the 1st amendment because Hillary! didn't win?!

    Excuse me, but do the words "Citizens United" mean anything at all to you, Tim?

  18. OrderoftheQuaff says

    I thought America was smarter than this, maybe I just live in a bubble. I'm reminded of an incident long ago, shortly after I retired from law and went into techbiz. At the end of a long day, I told my bizbuddy "if I may borrow a line from Lincoln, the Lord must love stupid people, because he made so many of them." Buddy goes…

    "Lincoln said THAT??"

  19. Damon says

    I love beans. Sadly the after effect is more painful than a hangover. I'll make my home version of an egg mcmuffin, or eggs over easy with sausage and toasted panatone.

  20. echo says

    @Eric
    What's wrong with moving to Mexico? Moving to a much whiter country seems pretty racist to me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *