POPEHAT 2016 POST-ELECTION GUIDE

If you voted for Hill-dog

Biscuits and Gravy: Why the fuck did you drink so god damn much last night? Oh right. When I get totally hammered, I need some god damn grease. Something stuffed with fat and salt to really sop up the toxic cauldron of regret fumes that's stewing in the guts. And nothing is better after eating 5,000 calories of butter and pork fat than taking a glorious nap afterward. Sweet sweet Gravy Nap. Biscuits and Gravy don't give a shit about your feelings of bitterness and regret. No one knows anything, except the comforting certain deliciousness of butter and pork fat. That will have to do, don't be an asshole.

If you voted for The Donald

Huevos Rancheros: Why the fuck did you drink so god damn much last night? Oh right. Stay with me now. This is all about the beans. Beans are my secret weapon whenever I drink way too much. It provides comfort when you're in pain, but it also doesn't knock you out like the other greasy stuff can. It also saves space in case someone gets overambitious and orders a big thing of bacon. And as a bonus, sometimes those beans can make you rip epic farts, and farts are always funny. I refer to HR as my victory meal. But it's not a license to be an asshole, so don't be an asshole.

If you played Battlefield 1

SO GOOD, RIGHT? It's intense in a way that feels more realistic than any other shooter out there. Call of Duty, Titanfall, Destiny, Halo… all the major shooters have that same feeling, like you're some super-heroic shooty-man. But with Battlefield 1, I feel like I'm just a dude with a gun, just trying to survive. The battles hold no glory, and the only reward after victory is to move on to the next fight. All you have is your squad, maybe that medic you keeps you up so you can toss the final anti-tank grenade. Or that scout, who stays way back but spots everyone for you like he fucking should because that's the whole point of the class. And hopefully get enough War Bonds to buy that sweet-ass SMG.

Oh and Joe Arpaio lost, that piece of shit.

POPEHAT 2016 ELECTION DAY GUIDE

Well, here we go.  It's finally time.  After a long, painful wait, it's finally here.  There's been a lot of misfires, and one really really big disappointment.  And many times it felt like we were just rehashing the old stuff again and again.  But at long last…

battlefield1

The Battlefield series are one of my all time favorites. I'm getting older, and I'm watching my skills steadily degrade as I play less and less. I'm happy with a .75 k/d ratio in Destiny Crucible (higher in Iron Banner, of course). But you know what? Give me a medkit or a tank, and I can still wreck shit. And this has been the first in the series that's felt as good as Battlefield 2. Bad Company (ideally 2) was really fun.  Battlefield 3 was alright.  Battlefield 4 was disappointing at first and now it's alright. But they felt like they were chasing Call of Duty, trying to get that heat.  And this just feels like Battlefieldfinally. And the maps… oh man. Every map feels incredibly tense and exciting. The old-timey weapons sometimes makes the shooting feel odd, but I found it a pretty easy adjustment after a few games. And it's always a JOY to collapse a building containing that gang of snipers that have been giving you shit the whole game.

The best praise I can give it: Don't bother playing multiplayer unless you have a group of people to do it with.

Anyway, Election Day. Vote for who you want; vote against those bullshit local things. Here is a guide.

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Whether in a car or on a horse / We don't mind using excessive force

TL;DR : Cops can be real assholes, you guys.

C.J. Grisham is a stone-cold badass.  I would never say anything awful about him (to his face).

But Mr. Grisham needs to learn him some damn manners

Army Master Sgt. C.J. Grisham was on a ten-mile Boy Scout hike with his son in Texas when he was arrested and accused of “rudely displaying” his firearm.  Knowing there are wild boars, coyotes, and cougars in the area, he had an AR-15 rifle slung over his shoulder and was also carrying a .45 caliber pistol, according to Fox News’ Todd Starnes.

Assault level rifle to kill some wild boars?  Why not?! FUCK wild boars.  They taste great in any case.  .45?  Meh, only newbs bring that.  The low fire rate means you'll get maybe one, two guys before you get pegged.  And there goes your kill streak.  The sidearm is a desperation weapon anyway.  In almost all cases unless you're achievement hunting, you're better off just picking up some random's gun.  I like to go for the rapid fire pistols, but then I tend to like the weapons that just spray bullets all over place.  I refer to them as "guns that go THBBBBBT".  I'm good at Call of Duty.

In any case, Ken was busy getting ready for the LA County Furmeet, law something whatever.  Something to do with pandas?  In any case he asks for help dealing with this story.  All I initially hear is that some dude was arrested for "rudely displaying" a firearm.  No shit?  HOW?  Was he twirling it around and shooting it in the air like Yosemite Sam?  It is Texas after all.

He would only be in trouble if he had been carrying the rifle in a way “calculated to cause alarm,” like waving it in the air — not strapped to his chest and pointed towards the ground.

The hell?  That's not rude at all.  Not like…

AR-15 Cowboy

Riding it like a horsey?

Nah, too unrealistic.  It's too awesome to really be considered "rude".  Plus seriously, why would he not wear shoes?  He's outside with all the dirt and rocks.  Whoever drew this picture is an idiot.

AR-15 winky doo

Holding it between his legs and poking people with it like a fully automatic winky doo?

See, I don't buy this one either. Generally you'll want to hang onto it with your hands when you're going to be humpin' away.  And isn't it just a modified version of the horsey-style anyway?  Plus where the hell are the guy's pockets and fly?  Is he wearing tan sweatpants? And what the hell is up with that stupid ass confederate flag belt buckle.  It's almost as if Ken put a note out there a few nights ago and some drunken idiot called dibs and then went to town with MS Paint.  And a fat cop (wearing his pants backward), nice.  Why don't you just give him a pig face and eating some donuts?  Not all cops are fat…

Grishom

Right

 

Look, if I see a guy walking around with an AR-15… I'm calling the cops.  That's happening.  But it's just a dude walking with his kid, carrying some weapons for defense against fierce animals.   What I'd expect is police to give him a talking to… and that's it.  What I don't expect is "Bad Boys" to start playing.  Maybe he got a bit smart-alecky; but if that was a crime, this whole blog would be breaking rocks in a re-education camp by now.

Cops have it rough.  For every unbelievably heroic event, such as the recent Boston Marathon Bombing, 9/11, or countless others… there are events like this, where some dude waves a badge and gets his asshole on.  But I think in spite of everything… gun control, 2nd amendment, reasonable bounds on police authoritay, we can all agree on one thing.

Leave Dr. Moreau alone.

No Shit

Former Diablo 3 Director Jay Wilson discusses Diablo 3's Auction House

He thought they would help reduce fraud, that they'd provide a wanted service to players, that only a small percentage of players would use it and that the price of items would limit how many were listed and sold.

But he said that once the game went live, Blizzard realized it was completely wrong about those last two points.

No shit.

That, said Wilson, made money a much higher motivator than the game's original motivation to simply kill Diablo, and "damaged item rewards" in the game.

31282046

 

"I think we would turn it off if we could," Wilson said during his talk.

no shit sherlock 2

Blizzard, Wilson said, doesn't want to remove a feature that lots of players will be unhappy to see go. But he did say that the team is working on a viable solution, without giving any other details about what that would be like.

Buy Torchlight 2.

Ask Popehat!

We often get a lot of mail asking us rather… personal questions.  Rather than get do what Ken normally does with them (sign the emails up for naughty pictures), we've decided to do something more productive. Derrick, the handsomest Popehat contributor (granted, not a great accomplishment, but one takes what one can get), has volunteered to answer these questions as he feels appropriate.  And as a little bonus, he will use his awesome internet powers to procure a "guest columnist" to help him out. 

Welcome to the first edition of ASK POPEHAT!

Our special guest columnist today is Oregon Representative Dennis Richardson (R)

Dennis Richardson

 

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Popehat Official Post-Election Day Reaction Guide

If you voted Obama

WOO PARTAY.  Let's all get baked at gay weddings!  Seriously dudes, that was awesome.  Have a frosty mug of [GOP] tears on the house.  Did you see Karl Rove on Fox?  Or Donald Trump on Twitter?   Holy CRAP, someone needs a hug.

Now calm the fuck down.  Remember how shitty you all felt when Bush won in 2004?  Be classy, don't be an asshole.

 

If you voted Romney

I told you to just play Halo 4!  It's a great game.  You would have had a better time then buying that stupid banner and all those American flags.  Now what you do have, besides hurt feelings and a box of bitchin' July 4th Party Stuff?  But look at it this way, at least you didn't have a total meltdown on national TV like Karl Rove.  Or Donald Trump on Twitter.  Wow.  Dude, I've seen North Koreans react more rationally.

Now calm the fuck down, remember how shitty you feel now?  That's how the other side felt in 2004.  Be classy, don't be an asshole. 

 

If you voted for Gary Johnson

You should already be drunk, and I salute you.

 

 If you played Halo 4

It ain't bad right?  It made a lot of interesting improvements.  Plus it's already great to just mow down the Covenent and n00bs again.

 

If you're Nate Silver

You are a God.

Happy Halo 4 Release Day!

Or "Election Day" if you're a square.

In any case, sounds like as good a day as any to drink, right?  I mean, it's been a long long LONG few years, but now it's finally over.  We can finally don the green armor and shoot some aliens.  threaten to move to Canada.   whine and moan about the direction the country is heading.  But regardless of who wins, let's just all be glad of one thing:  At least John Edwards never got into the White House.  Holy SHIT that was a close one.

In any case, drinking.  <Political Theme> Drinking Games are passe now unfortunately.  After the infamous VP Debate of 2007, when Sarah Palin drove 1/3 of the country into alcoholic comas, it's been mutually agreed that we can never ever do one ever again.  So instead, here are some guidelines on how/what to drink on this great day.

 

If you voted for Romney

Your drink is Bud Light.  You actually hate Bud Light.  In fact, you (rightfully) think it tastes like lukewarm monkey piss.  But you gotta choke that awful shit down at some fuckin' shitty ass dive bar, while some bearded asshole next to you spills HIS Bud Light over your $500 Italian wingtips while he yells some bullshit about the Bill of Rights or something.  And someone has to talk to you about NASCAR or some sort of sport-ball team or whatever the fuck.  Look, just make it through the day.  You got a November 7th reservation at that bomb-ass steakhouse (just don't order the kobe); they'll serve a proper IPA.  MMMM, nice and hoppy, perfect for a shitty November evening.

Cocktail Suggestion:

The R-Money

  • Water
  • 2 Alka Seltzer
  • Comfortable Pillow
  • Prescription Painkillers

Take Alka-Seltzer, mix with water.  Throw it away.  SLAM the Painkillers, pass out.

 

If you voted for Obama

Your drink is Stella Atrois.  You don't HATE Stella, but you really prefer other beers.  You actually don't drink that much at all, but your Data Analyst's study indicates that Stella is about the most hoity-toity beer you can drink without seeming like an elitist.  Then you have to slop down some hot wings (that are going give you a "Ring of Fire" in the morning).  You'll be doing this with a bunch of overweight construction workers, and you'll be resisting the urge to lecture them on their dietary choices the whole time.   And in the meantime, some asshole with a stupid fucking mustache, drinking a PBR for fuck's sake, is busy being all ironic in your god damn ear when all you really want to do is just watch the fucking Bulls game.  Look, just make it through the day.   You got a November 7th reservation at that seafood place; they'll serve a proper IPA.  MMMMMMM, nice and hoppy, perfect for a shitty November evening.

Cocktail Suggestion:

The NObama

  • Bottle of Vodka
  • Straw

You know what to do.  And use the straw, you aren't a barbarian.

If you're playing Halo 4

You're drinking Smirnoff Ice.  Oh shit brah!  It's going to be so killer when you ice your bros after you tap them in the head with the BR. SLAYER FOR LIFE BRO.  Note, you'll probably be having a way better time than the above, especially since there will be less of that sexist crap on XBL.

 

Side note: Let's not be assholes, ladies and gentlemen.

The Candidates We Deser…. I mean… EN TARO ADUN.

[Note from Ken: this post is the latest in a series of Derricks' efforts to explain American politics using Starcraft, which is as legitimate a method as any you see on cable.]

Oh man.  Let's do a quick recap of the situation:

So MidClassMitt comes out with the most uninspiring victory out of the Primary FFA that I've seen in recent memory.  I mean, compared to Dubya's staggeringly cynical moves against Mc41n in 2000 and then Mc41n's horrifically awful choice of a playing partner at the end, this year's [GOP] narrative is pretty boring.  Blah blah blah lots of econ blah blah blah Santorum spammed with tons of Banelings blah blah blah Banelings self-destruct so it's only a good strategy if you're smart enough to follow up with actual troops blah blah blah Santorum is not smart.  I'm no expert, but if the narrative surrounding your campaign generally goes along the lines of, "WTF… THIS guy?"… there may be some issues.  In any case, as a war criminal once said, "You go to war with the army you have."  That was my logic when I got married, and I've been stuck in that quagmire for about as long. ANYWAY.

 

KERRIGAN IS DISPLEASED WITH YOUR BUILD ORDER

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