How Ken Bought the City of Middleborough a New Police Car

MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA – The residents of Middleborough have had enough of uncouth language such as the "f-word", "s-h-word", and "c-word".  On Monday night, they took ACTION.

"I'm sick of all these fucking teenagers fucking swearing all the god damn fucking time," shouted Mitchell "Mitchie" Winthrop,  spilling Bud Light all over his faded Patriots Jersey, "These fucking asshole kids need to learn some fucking RESPECT for their betters!"

And now they will, $20 at a time.

"I'm fucking telling you," shouted James "Jimmy Putnam, spilling Budweiser all over his Boston Red Sox Jersey, "Too many of these fucking little douche-fucks have mouths on them like fuckin' Jimmy fucking Rock or whoever that fucking black dude was.  You know who I'm talking about.  All eff-this and eff-that.  WELL FUCK HIM RIGHT IN HIS BLACK ASS.  Fucking idiot.  You know what'll happen if he shows up here in Middleborough…"

At this point Mr. Putnam waved his beer in the reporter's face, "HE'S GOING TO FUCKING PAY TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS, THAT'S WHAT."

Mr Putnam, still drinking his beer, then went into his 1996 faded blue Toyota Corolla and peeled out of the Stop n' Shop parking lot, nearly hitting a Hispanic family and cutting off several cars.

"Why the fuck are you talking to me, asshole?" queried Rebecca "Becky" Coolidge, as she was coming out of a Package Store, "Can't I fucking buy some god damn fucking Tequila at 1 in the afternoon from the Packie in some fucking peace?  Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, you fucking media types.  THIS IS A NICE TOWN GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.  You want to quote me? FUCK THE YANKEES."

Most citizens were supportive.

"When I was in middle school, our school counselor wanted to fucking stop all the fucking swearing," said Robert "Bobby" Cabot, spilling beer all over his Drew Bledsoe Patriots Jersey, "He replaced 'fuck' with… get this… fucking 'FUDGE'.  That year, everyone said Fudge.  Fudge This.  Fudge You.  Shove it up your Fudging Ass.  How about we go behind those dumpsters and Fudge like we hate each other?  MotherFudger.  Get a load of those Fudging MILKERS on that Fudging hottie.  I'd like to go back to that innocent time.  It's certainly better than the fucking bullshit we have fucking going on now."

William "Billy" Kennedy was less supportive.  "This used to be a great fucking town," he slurred, spilling Colt .45 all over his bare chest and the Bruins Tattoo covering it, "Used to be, you could fucking walk down the street and not worry about being fucking… ACCOSTED… by all the fucking swearing and that shitty fucking music blaring out of the fucking speakers. What is that shit anyway?  It's all fucking bass and some idiot with no pants is talking about shoes?  But I don't know if a fucking law is going to fucking fix it anyway.   The Mayor probably needs to find a new fucking way to cover his fucking mistress's clothing bills or else she'll reveal his weird fetish or some shit.  Which is bullshit of course, we all know Mickey likes feet.  It's no big fucking deal, that's a totally fucking vanilla fetish at this fucking point.  That fucking fat fuck Rex Ryan loves him some god damn feet. Fucking Ryan.  FUCK THE JETS."

On a point of clarification, the "gangsta" use of the "n-word" was disallowed under this ordinance.  The racial slur however, was still okay to use.

South Carolina

Wow.  This will merit some further analysis, so I'll try and tear my self away from The Old Republic long enough to write something more substantial.  But the short narrative:  MidClassMitt had every advantage but attacked the expansion with the wrong unit mix (especially since AggiesFanWWJD unexpectedly dropped.  He gave TheGrinch the sad remnants of his stuff, but who gives a shit).   TheGrinch, already in full on "eff you" mode, countered him perfectly.

It's all econ, and MidClassMitt is still hands down the guy to beat, especially now we're out of the Early Game and into the Mid.  You can't win on early rush cheese anymore.  Now you actually need to play.  And MidClassMitt has by far the most cohesive strategy.  TheGrinch (the closest challenger at this point) has clearly been slapping his shit together with spit and wishes.  We'll see if he can pull it together; you can't just select all your units and attack-move them to some random expansion anymore.  But this game has suddenly become very interesting.

New Hampshire

MidClassMitt took the New Hampshire expansion easily.  It's looking like it's all down to the South Carolina expansion.

It's the last gasp for many players,  so expect a lot of aggression and a LOT of cheese.  I anticipate that only AtlasFan (resources), ZhouYu (possible map advantage), and TheGrinch (sheer spite) will remain as serious players after this. 

Iowa

Some people argue that Iowa would be a proper expansion.  Not really.  Iowa is closer to a Xel ' Naga Watchtower on a map.  So while it's important, it's not a silver bullet.  All it really does is give clarity to the map.  And sometimes it reveals jack.  Now New Hampshire, that's a proper expansion.  Whoever captures THAT is going to have a pretty big resource boost going into the other fights.  (Nerd Note: Every side has a "natural expansion"; one that is close by, easy to set up another base collecting resources.  I'm not really counting that when I talk "Expansions" -D )

Bravo to [GOP]Santorum, who threw everything into a super early ALL-IN strategy to secure the Watchtower, even including some workers in his push.  What did we learn people?  What happens when you pursue a early RUSH strategy; what is sacrificed?  Answer:  Your Economy, stupid.  The question now, for him, is whether he can get his econ up in time to really compete.   And guess what, MidClassMitt, who's economy is better than ANYONE else in the game (and who just got the tacit forum support of [GOP]Mc41n, who knows the map better than anyone) got 2nd place (or tied for first, who gives a shit), when everyone was ready to give him the booby prize.  That's the bloody story, not about Santorum's sad attempt to undo the Greatest Google Bomb of All-Time.

For those interested in [GOP]'s intra-forum jihad, this isn't entirely unexpected.  While we need final numbers to bear out, I would SUSPECT that the WWJD sub-faction came out for Santorum, which is odd considering his disgusting tag.  I find it more interesting that AggiesFanWWJD didn't get any love; moreso because he put the WWJD tag in his name.  In any case, I think he needs to drop.

The forum slapfights are likely to be all about "winnability/electability".  Which reminds me of a similar argument a few years back.

YEARGH, never gets old

In other news, [GOP]TheGrinch is a whiny bitch.

[GOP] FFA: Time for Fightin'!

[Ed. note: This post represents Derrick's latest attempt to explain American politics through Starcraft. It is not to be confused with his attempts to explain American politics through Dawn of War, or Patrick's attempt to explain it through World of Warcraft.)

It doesn't take a genius to know what the hell is going on with the [GOP] clain. One faction is (reluctantly) pleased enough with its prohibitive frontrunner, MidClassMitt. They feel that while he may be somewhat flawed as a person and as a player, he has the skills and drive to represent them and beat Obama. And god damn it, that's good enough. Another faction though, somewhat led by a small but loud group of disruptive assholes (who don't even post on [GOP]'s forums, choosing instead to congregate on the #GOP IRC channel and just bitch bitch bitch all day long), has been going fishing for anybody, anybody, who can provide a challenge (credible or not). But why? Who gives a shit? Clan Tag is Clan Tag right? INCORRECT.  

PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

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Logic capacitor. Offline.

Okay, I have to make a confession.  I am an AWFUL prognosticator.  Anyone who has played me in Fantasy Football can tell you that.  I'm pretty good at analysis after the fact, but when it comes to predicting future events, I'm bloody-effing-terrible.  Of course, there was one shining moment where I correctly predicted the result of the 2004 NBA finals game-by-game, but to be honest I was just trying to be funny since everyone and their mom was predicting the Lakers to win.

ANYWAY, that's my horrible excuse as to why I never followed up and wrote something about the Tea Party.  Because frankly, I became terrified that I would be wrong.  Or worse, not funny.  Plus, I forgot my password and was too embarrassed to ask for it.   In any case, I'm sure you're all confused.  To the casual observer, the Tea Party is a loose conglomerate of similarly minded and mildly racist individuals who have HIT THE POLITICAL SCENE LIKE A TIDAL WAVE OF PATRIOTIC DOUCHEBAGGERY.  But you're wrong!  It's really… okay, you might be right there.  But it's clear at this point that they are a very big factor, for obvious reasons.  So the big question is… how does one counter them?  We're not talking [DEM] people, that's for another article.  For me, the more intriguing question is, "How does one get out of the Republican Primaries without coming off as a little unhinged?"  IT'S AN ELEPHANT PARTY UP IN THIS.

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[DEM] v. [GOP]: Clash of the Idjuts

This is part II in a series.  For the introduction to the politics of Starcraft 2, see: The Return of Kekeke.

I’ve harped on this before, but I’ll do it again.  Real time strategy (RTS) games consist of two separate but equally important parts: Macromanagement (Dicking around in your base) and Micromanagement (Killing stuff).  You can have the greatest micro skills on earth, but if you can’t successfully manage the economy to make a decent army (or more importantly, to reinforce that army) you will never win. And of course, vice-versa.  This is very important to remember: they are two separate but equally important parts.  It’s all about maximizing economic efficiency and army savvy.  The best players are able to think quickly on their feet; the key isn’t the initial strategy or build order, but rather the adjustments on the fly.

This is exactly what makes the current Democratic regime so hilariously incompetent.

Oh no guys, watch out… he's put on the ANGRY EYES. QUICK! SOMEONE FORM A TASK FORCE BEFORE HE WRITES A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER.

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The Return of Kekeke

Hey guys! Remember two years ago?  Man that was such a crazy time.  A lot has happened since then.  Obama crushed McCain in the general election, the GOP decided to react like themselves, and angels descended upon us and we entered into the Fourth Age.  And then more STUFF began to happen.  And I know what the big question is: Derrick, why didn't you write anything about all this garbage?  Well, it didn't help that Games Workshop decided to be a big dick to their customers… again.  It just didn't feel right using Dawn of War 2 for anything, my game of choice.  But that all became irrelevant once a… better option appeared.  Let's do this.

StarCraft 2 Box Art

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Which Nobel? Peace or Economics?

Man invents $7,000 sex robot.

The picture really makes the article.  Tell me you aren't surprised a dude like that would've either A) killed his parents because they wouldn't let him raid in WoW anymore or B) use his advanced AI program to design a robot that you can hump.

I think we found the man to pull us through these tough economic times.