The latest in the conversations with kids series:
Elaina [8 years old]: Jesus! Give me a monkey!
Me: . . . . what?
Elaina: Oh. Jesus. Please give me a monkey.
Me: What are you talking about?
Elaina [with poorly concealed impatience]: I'm ASKING JESUS for a MONKEY, Daddy.
Me: Jesus is not a monkey-god. Why are you asking Jesus for a monkey?
Elaina [pointing]: That sign says to.
Me: Mercy. That sign says ask Jesus for mercy.
Elaina: What's mercy?
Me: Being merciful is like being kind and forgiving.
Elaina: It would be kind to give me a monkey.
Me: But it wouldn't be merciful to the monkey.
Elaina: YOU'RE A MONKEY
Me: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
Elaina [loudly and very atonally singing]: JEEEEEESUSSS, GIVE ME A MONNNNNNNKEY
Me: STOP YELLING AT JESUS