FROM: City of Parma Police Department Public Information Officer, Detective Lieutenant Kevin Riley
TO: Citizens of the City of Parma, "Media"
REGARDING: Correction of False Statements Disseminated Through Harassment and Terrorism
As our Vision Statement explains, the City of Parma Police Department is committed to providing the citizens of Parma with lawful environment where all persons can perform their daily routine at any time free from the fear of any type of harassment, injury, or victimization from the criminal activities of any person or entity. Police officers are citizens of Parma too. They, too, have a right to be free of any sort of harassment or victimization or injury, physical or emotional. That is why this Department has taken lawful actions in the course and scope of its law enforcement power to uphold laws prohibiting disruption of public services. Despite inaccurate and irresponsible media coverage, the Department's initiation of criminal charges against the perpetrator of a destructive and misleading "satire" were appropriate and in the best traditions of American law enforcement practices. The media should leave legal issues, like criminal exceptions to the First Amendment, to the law enforcement experts.
Swift and effective action has ended this particular campaign of lawbreaking. Regrettably, it is now necessary that the Department correct harmful and derogatory misinformation spread by online criminals:
- Police Chief Robert Miller is popularly known in the Department as "Sir" or "Chief" or "the Boss," not as "Bossy Bottom Bob." Please accord the Chief the respect to which he is entitled as the leader of a modern professional force.
- Although the Department is recruiting and does have a firm nondiscrimination policy we are not specifically seeking "every functional illiterate in Cuyahoga County." Potential recruits who respond before May 1st will be accorded application priority, not "three free tazings."
- Our tip line does not pay any sort of bounty for any body parts of "messicans" or any other persons.
- The Detective Bureau Commander's Motto For the Month in February 2016 was "integrity and service," not "RaHoWa Motherfuckers."
- We do not wear chaps while on duty. The Department has no information or policy regarding clothing worn off duty, except for misuse of official uniforms.
- Motorcycle officers will not give you a coupon if you slap their helmets in traffic. Officers should not be touched in traffic at all.
- I do not have a sealed juvenile record. I do not have any juvenile record. I am a law-abiding person. I have not killed anyone, and specifically have not killed "an indeterminate number of hobos."
- Our union representatives help protect our rights and interests in any Departmental investigations and are not actually empowered to execute witnesses.
- "Lick it or ticket" is not a genuine or authorized City of Parma Police Department public information campaign.
These misrepresentations have caused confusion and disruption in the Department and the City. Certain agitators assert that the unlawful "parodies" of the Department were clearly jokes and not meant to be taken seriously. However, there have been several regrettable incidents in which Department officers and staff have acted upon these "parodies," leading to consumption of officer time, waste of taxpayer money, and potential litigation. To avoid criminal prosecution, any future "parodies" must be labeled prominently and expressed in language reasonably calculated to be understood easily by a City of Parma Police Department officer. You should feel free to send me a draft to determine if I can understand it.