It lies just beyond the River Double Hockeystyx

The Prague High School Red Devils

File this under "noteworthy": apparently, KFOR in Oklahoma City is not an affiliate of The Onion. And this means that when Kaitlin Nootbaar, valedictorian at Prague High School— home of the Red Devils— employed the word "hell" in a quote during her valedictory speech, David Smith the principal of Prague High School— home of the Red Devils— decided to hold her diploma hostage until she had composed and submitted a letter of apology.

The actual logo of the Prague School District, employer of said principal….

This crisis is apparently still underway. Superintendent Rick Martin is reportedly holding his tongue, lest he inadvertently mutter imprecations seldom heard in mixed company.

Please tell me this is a hoax.

(Via BoingBoing.)

So Then Why Is The Expression "On the Lam"?

The African War on Goats continues with a new arrest:

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.

We know that evidence of flight from the authorities is generally admissible to prove consciousness of guilt, given a sufficient nexus between the crime and the flight. Therefore I submit that evidence of turning into a goat to elude capture would also be admissible, and would be quite powerful evidence. I would want to voir dire the jurors quite carefully, though, to see if any had any particularly strong feelings for or against goats.

An Elegant Weapon for a Less Litigious Age

Patrick, in guest-blogging at Overlawyered, alerts us that aWoolworth's in the UK will only sell toy lightsabers to adults, as they might be mistaken for guns and thus lead to some sort of unpleasantness. But it's not entirely clear what sort of unpleasantness the shopwarn clarks over in those green and pleasant lands have in mind. Are they worried that someone might rob their local with a lightsaber? If so, couldn't that fear apply to nearly any piece of plastic? Perhaps they are worried that a constable might mistake the saber in little Trevor's hand for a weapon, leading to a tragic police shooting. But if that's the case, they will have to start restricting the sales of all sorts of seemingly innocuous objects, from wallets to hairbrushes to cans of soda, wouldn't they?

There are no answers to some questions

TJIC points us to the list of questions to Slate's "Explainer" that, tragically, were never answered.

They range from the scientific:

If someone with DNA from the Stone Age were born today, would they be normal?

…to the cultural….

Can men eat the Activia yogurt that is advertised exclusively to the modern woman in khakis? Will it have the same internal regulatory effects on the male system that are promised for the female bowels? If not, why not?

…to the legal….

I have been accused of assault in Ohio. The woman fell over a box in the hall backward, and my brother opened the door, saw her lying there, and started hitting me. I got him down and held him down. It was all over a fight concerning my niece. What do you think will happen?

…to the psycho-social:

Why does some music make you want to shake your butt?

Remember — these people walk among us.

Apparently Planck's Constant is "I Like Strippers"

The Max Planck Institute — a prestigious research group in Germany, named after the famous physicist — wanted the latest issue of its journal to focus on China. So its graphic designers picked some attractive Chinese characters for the cover.

This is how those characters translated:

With high salaries, we have cordially invited for an extended series of matinées
KK and Jiamei as directors, who will personally lead jade-like girls in the spring of youth,
Beauties from the north who have a distinguished air of elegance and allure,
Young housewives having figures that will turn you on;
Their enchanting and coquettish performance will begin within the next few days.

Yep, that's pretty much what you think it is.

Clearly this is an advertisement for some kind of burlesque business. I did find quite a few references on the Web to a "KK Juggy" from a group called "Machine Gun Fellatio," and apparently the KK in her name stands for "Knickers" and "Knockers."

The resulting "apology" is delicious:

In its apology, the institute – which is named after the German physicist credited as the founder of quantum theory – said the Chinese text "had been chosen by our editorial office in order to symbolically illustrate the magazine's focus on China".

"Unfortunately, it has now transpired that this text contains inappropriate content of a suggestive nature," the apology states.

"To our sincere regret, however, it has now emerged that the text contains deeper levels of meaning, which are not immediately accessible to a non-native speaker."

Meaning "our graphics department copied the sign at that hootchie bar totally not knowing that it was suggestive."

Methinks someone is going to be looking very closely at this month's expense reports from that editorial department.

Via and via.

My Broker Is A 70th Level Tauren Shaman. And He Says . . .

It's getting increasingly difficult during busy weeks like this one to resist the temptation to abandon original content altogether and just copy and paste stuff from my co-blogger Patrick's increasingly great new blog Social Services for Feral Children. Case in point — Patrick takes the story of the rise and fall of the CEO of a company that sold imaginary gold and items from online role-playing games, and unerringly plucks the most fascinating and appalling element from it: not the fact that a child star developed a company that sold imaginary gold that could be used only in games in which buying such imaginary gold was against the rules, but the fact that Goldman freaking Sachs invested a large amount of money in the business.

I'm thinking that Goldman didn't quite comprehend the gold-farming business, or for that matter online games. I'm at least hoping that they didn't understand that they were investing tens of millions in a product made by Company A (IGE) that could only be used on the premises of Company B (Blizzard), despite the fact that Company B forbade the use of the product on its premises and had the will to use its substantial war chest to fight against use of that product through both programming and litigation.

In their defense, they might have run out of the kindling necessary to simply set that much money on fire. Plus, smoke is bad. Global warming. You know.

Gun Safety Is Just a Way For the Man To Keep The Working Folk Down

This country has a strong gun culture.  Fortunately in the case of most people serious about guns, it is accompanied by an equally strong gun safety culture, characterized by the level of caution and professionalism and respect you should use towards any deadly tool.  Unfortunately, America is also choked with slobs, Travis-Bickle-wannabees, and nimrods who think that hold-the-pistol-sideways-like-a-ganga thing looks cool.  Many such people are careless about gun safety.

Now, carelessness is not a uniquely American trait.  But I am beginning to suspect that proud, defiant carelessness — and sympathy for the same — are. 

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