My name is Jason Parks, and I write for Adoption By Gentle Care, an adoption agency in Columbus, Ohio. I reached out to Popehat recently, but I haven't heard back, so I wanted to follow up with you.
I’m writing because I wanted to talk to you about contributing to your site. I’m sure you’re aware that your readers really like it when you talk about adoption. I’m pretty sure your readers will appreciate what I have to say, and my audience will flock to your site as well.
If that doesn’t work for you, no worries. I’m also working on other articles related to adoption and the adoption process.
Do any/all of those sound appealing to you? Let me know what you think works best, and then we can hammer out the other details. I look forward to hearing from you.
MajestyDiamonds.com [emphasis added]
Thank you very much for your inquiry. We at Popehat are, indeed, interested in adoption issues, and recently our interests have become more, shall we say, focused.
Would we be able to request an article on a specific facet of adoption — a horse of a different color than the standard article, shall we say? Our needs are specific.
Very truly yours,
That would be fine with us. What type of article would you be looking for?
AdoptionByGentleCare.com [emphasis added]
I am thrilled to hear it!
We at Popehat would like to see an article with muscular advocacy for a federal law banning adoption of ponies.
Americans think they have legitimate reasons to adopt ponies, Jason. Allow me to enumerate them: home defense; elimination of skunks, badgers, raccoon, gerbils, and other small pests; establishing swift dominance of local holiday parades; deterring neighborhood children from sneaking into the back yard and fondling Greek statuary suggestively; companionship for disfavored relatives; and tax purposes.
This is foolishness. Ponies sow turmoil and confusion, Jason. They are sent forth to take peace from the earth so that we should kill one another, and failing that, so that the ponies will kill us, possibly but not necessarily using our own high-end kitchen appliances. Americans who invite ponies into their homes will see their children's blood rain upon their Berber den carpets and cast-aside issues of New Yorker, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs when she is shaken by a mighty wind or a strong fat kid.
I am normally a libertarian, Jason, and believe in market solutions to national problems. But here the market has failed. I'm not just talking about the local market on the corner near the gas station that refuses to carry Diet Rite and has frankly totalitarian viewpoints regarding pants. I'm talking about the national market, the great unconscious 99-Cent-Store of the American soul, Jason. That market has not defied ponies. That market has put ponies on special, and has displayed them prominently on the checkout rack next to the gum of our besieged humanity and our weighty consciences in the form of magazine stories about Brad Pitt killing a Girl Scout with his bare hands.
Ponies make us forget, Jason. They make us forget our children. They make us forget our responsibilities. They make us forget our national honor. They make us forget whether our scam is using a diamond store or an adoption agency as a front. They make us forget ourselves.
Will you help us remember, Jason? Will you pen the savage, inexorable cry for the heart of America? Will you stand against the Pony Menace before they take away everything we have?
I remain very truly yours,